Let It Be Me Read online

“I’m Ann Marie, I went from my father abusing me, and my uncle sexually abusing me, to my husband who sexually and physically abuses me. I’m planning on leaving this Friday. I’m going to go to a shelter first and then once I can save up some more money, I’ll fly out to Germany where my mom is. I’m just scared. He loves his daughter but he is so mean and hateful to me that I can’t bear something happening to my sweet angel.”

  “My name is Tammy and my boyfriend continues to beat the crap out of me on a daily basis, but I continue to stay. I don’t know why, but it’s nice to meet you.”

  “I’m Rachel. My husband beats my children and me daily. I dealt with it for a long time until he raped me in front of my three year old. I left two years ago and I’m finally dating and I’m happy. It’s hard and I was scared for a long time, but no more. I won’t be anything but happy.”

  “This is our group and I’m Marci, the group counselor. I have been doing this line of counseling for over three years after spending years in a physically, emotionally and sexually abusive relationship with my husband. I decided to help people who were in the same position I was in since my husband told me I’d never get out. I welcome you and I’m glad you came. So please, introduce yourself to us.”

  You know, it was simple to admit that I was abused in the privacy of my office but now, sitting in a circle of eight women, I don’t feel as brave. I look at each of the women that sit in the circle with me. We’re all of different races, different sizes and different ages. I thought I’d be the youngest but the girl across from me, Ellen I think was her name, looks like she’s only eighteen. Rena looks like she’s a businesswoman, her clothes are all designer, the purse that sits in her lap is a Coach. Ann Marie has her newborn baby on her lap. Tammy is covered in tattoos and has a shiny black eye that she had tried to cover but I can tell it is there. The others look just like me, just normal women, trying to get by.

  I think I’ve made a mistake. Standing up, I look around and say, “I’m sorry, I can’t do this.”

  Marci, the leader of the group, smiles before she slowly nods. “We’ll be here when you can. Every Tuesday and Thursday.”

  “I’m sorry,” I mutter again as I start for the door.

  “It’s okay. Hope to see you back,” she calls towards my back as I slam the door shut.

  Closing my eyes, I take in a deep breath before letting it out in a whoosh. I should have never come here. This was a waste of my time and theirs. I’m not ready for this and I’m not sure I’ll ever be. Opening my eyes, I start to walk to where Tucker is sitting in his car, reading patient files.

  God, what am I going to tell him?

  I open the door and hop in just as he looks over at me. “That was fast?”

  I nod as I look down at my hands. “I couldn’t do it.”

  He doesn’t say anything and I wait for what seems like forever for him to say something. Instead, I hear the car start and then it is moving. When I sneak a glance at him, he is looking forward, his face calm.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper.

  “What for?”

  “For wasting your time.”

  He reaches over and squeezes my hand. “Helping you is never a waste of my time, Violet. So you walked out? We can try again next week. It’s okay.”

  I look back down. “What if I don’t want to go back?”

  He lets out a breath before he squeezes my hand again. “As much as I want you too, I won’t make you. This is your battle and as much as I want to fight it for you, I know I can’t, but what I can do is be the guy that encourages you and gives you the tools you need to win. I think with the help of these women, you can win but if you don’t want to go back, then we’ll find another way to win.”

  I don’t say anything else as we ride back to the office where my car is. He is so sweet, so helpful and I honestly don’t know how I’ll ever repay him for what he has done for me. I glace over at him and admire his profile. He could be with anyone right now. Someone amazing and beautiful, who has her shit together but instead, he is with me, helping me find the strength I thought was lost.

  When Tucker enters the parking lot to the office, I look away, watching as my car comes into view. When he pulls into the spot beside my car, I don’t want to move. I don’t want to go home, I know Rob is there and that is the last person I want to see right now but I know I have to go. I gather my things, reluctantly, and then slowly reach for the door handle before turning to look at him.

  “Thank you for taking me.”

  He smiles. “Anytime, Violet. Can you text me when you get home?”

  I nod. “Sure.”

  “Okay, see you tomorrow. Remember we have defense classes tomorrow.”

  “Yeah, I know,” I say, sending him a smile as I climb out of his car. When I go to shut the door, I stop; Tucker is giving me the tools to help me and all I have to do is use them. That’s all. Bending down, I look over at him.

  He is still smiling at me and I find myself smiling back as I say, “Can you take me next Tuesday?”

  He doesn’t even pause, or think it seems. With a wide smile, he nods. “Of course.”

  Three weeks have passed and I feel like nothing has changed.

  I’ve been to six meetings and I feel like I’m wasting everyone’s time. I still haven’t admitted my name, or even said what I’m going through. Nothing. I just sit there, listening to everyone’s stories and as soon as Marci asks me if I’d like to tell my story, I blanch. Each time, Tucker is supportive, telling me it’s going to take time, but surely he’s getting tired of it all. He sits in the car, working, playing on his phone and each time all I can do is tell him ‘I’m sorry, but I didn’t say anything’. It’s starting to stress me out because it makes me think I’m not ready to leave. That I’m not ready to start my life because I can’t even tell anyone else that I am abused.

  It’s scary.

  Along with the six meetings, I’ve been to three defensive courses and I’ve discovered that I love them. They are fun and I feel so powerful, smacking the shit out of the guy when he wears the padded suit. It’s fun but I’m not so sure that I will remember any of this stuff if Rob ever comes at me again. I haven’t had that problem because every time I’m home, he is gone or asleep. It’s been quiet, and he’s been calm, but that makes me nervous.

  You know the saying, the calm before the storm. That’s Rob. Usually when he is quiet for a long length of time, I have to be extra careful because he can blow up at any moment. He’s a ticking time bomb and I have been staying out of his way, watching what I’m doing at all times, but I know it’s coming. I hate when he is quiet, it makes me feel like he is plotting against me and even with my training, I’m still nervous.

  Will I remember it all?

  Will I defend myself?

  Or will I do exactly what I’ve always done and just try to get away.

  I hope I don’t have to do anything. I hope he stays away from me. I only need a couple more weeks. I know, I know, I said that three weeks ago but the thing is, my mom isn’t doing well. I spoke with her last week and found out that she is hurting for money. Because of this, I figured I needed a little more money so that I wouldn’t have to burden her at all. I could support myself completely and maybe even her. Only two more weeks, that’s all, and then I’m gone.

  Gone.

  Away from Rob, but also away from Tucker.

  I wish Tucker will come with me, or maybe we can figure out a way for me to stay here but those are fantasies. As much as I don’t want to go, I have to. I wish I could put Tucker in my pocket and take him everywhere. In a way I guess I can with the way technology is now but still, I can’t imagine not physically seeing him every day.

  In these three weeks my feelings for him have become stronger, more deeply rooted inside me. It’s crazy because I have honestly never felt this way about anyone. Not even Rob and I thought Rob was my all-time love at one point. I don’t know what it is, but something about Tucker has me completely entrapped in him. He is