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  I hadn’t had a customer in so long, I didn’t want him to get away. I was desperate. The man relented and pulled several thousand-yen bills out of his wallet. Then he hung his head.

  “I’m sorry. This is all I’ve got on me. But I won’t ask any more of you. I’ll leave now.”

  “Hey, I’m a professional in a major firm. Don’t you want to know why I turn to prostitution at night?”

  I turned over on my side on the bed and tried to look alluring. The man snapped his wallet closed and pulled on his coat. I hurried to collect my things as well. I didn’t want to get stuck with the room bill. The man left the room and marched up to the registration desk to haggle over the fee. He had clearly lost his earlier buzz.

  “We didn’t mess the room up or anything, so why don’t you just charge me half price. We weren’t even there for ten minutes.”

  The receptionist glanced quickly at me. He was a middle-aged man very obviously wearing a toupee.

  “All right, I’ll let you off for fifteen hundred yen.”

  The man handed over two thousand-yen bills with obvious relief. When the attendant handed him a five-hundred yen coin in return, the man told him to keep it for his troubles.

  “It’s not much. But I appreciate your understanding.”

  When I heard the man say this, I immediately stuck out my hand. “Hey, wait a minute. I think that belongs to me. After all, I was the one who had to endure your kisses for a lousy three thousand yen!”

  Both the man and the receptionist stared at me in amazement. But I didn’t bat an eye, and in the end the receptionist gave me the coin.

  It was nearing time for the last train of the evening. I bought another can of beer and drained it. I walked down the stone stairs again and headed back to Shinsen Station. My earnings for the night amounted to ¥3,000–¥3,500 if you add the tip I wormed out of the hotel receptionist. But with the cost of the beer and squid, I was in the red. As I walked down the street to the station, I could see the apartment building where Zhang lived. I turned to look up at the fourth-floor windows. A light was on in his unit.

  “Well, we meet again. You’re looking well.”

  I heard a voice behind me. It was Zhang. I tossed the empty beer can to the side of the street, where it bounced with a clatter. Zhang was wearing his leather jacket and jeans, just as he had the other night. The expression on his face was serious. I glanced at my watch.

  “I still have a little time. Do you think the fellows in your apartment would want to fool around again?”

  “I’m really sorry,” Zhang said, somewhat apologetically, “but you didn’t make a big hit with them. Both Dragon and Chen-yi thought you were too skinny. They like a woman with a bit more meat.”

  “Well, what about you?”

  Zhang rolled his big eyes. His brows were thick and his lips full and other than the fact that he was balding, he was really my type. For some reason I wanted to be with him.

  “I don’t care. Any woman will do for me.” Zhang laughed. “Any woman other than my sister.”

  “If that’s the case, will you hold me?”

  I threw myself against Zhang’s body. The Shibuya-bound train on the Inokashira Line had just pulled into the station and passengers were crowding the platform. They stared at us, but I didn’t care. Zhang did. With an embarrassed look, he wrapped his arms around me, trying to keep me at bay, but I continued to squirm, trying to force my way deeper into his embrace. I felt suddenly beset with sorrow.

  “Will you be good to me?” I asked Zhang, in a cloying tone.

  “Do you want me to be good to you? Or do you want me to have sex with you?”

  “Both.”

  Zhang pushed me aside roughly so he could look into my face. Then he said coolly, “Unn-uh, you have to choose. Which one?”

  “Be good to me.”

  As soon as I murmured my response, I knew I meant it. I hadn’t been after the money. So why the hell had I been standing there on the corner night after night? Did I just want someone to be nice to me? Surely not. I was confused. Maybe I was drunk. I pushed my hand against my forehead.

  “If you want me to be good to you, will you pay me?” he asked.

  I looked up at Zhang in surprise. Leering in the darkness, he looked sinister.

  “Why do I have to pay? Shouldn’t it be the other way around?”

  “But what you’re asking for is skewed. You don’t like anyone, do you? Not another person, not even yourself. You’ve been duped.”

  “Duped?” I cocked my head to the side, clueless as to what he meant. I didn’t try to pull my cute-girl pose; I didn’t have the energy for it.

  Zhang continued cheerfully. “That’s right, duped. I just learned this expression. Technically speaking, it means someone who gets screwed or conned. You’ve let yourself be duped by everyone you meet—in your office, on the street. In the past you were duped by your father and your school.”

  The last train would be leaving Shibuya Station by now. As I listened to Zhang prattle on, I looked toward the tracks. I had no choice but to go home. Just like I had no choice but to go to work the next morning. I couldn’t help it. So was I being duped by society? I remembered what the Bible lady had said to me: “It pains me to see how foolish you are.”

  • 8 •

  JUNE 5

  During the rainy season, business all but dried up. And with the constant rainfall I didn’t feel like standing outside all night getting drenched. To top it off, the low-pressure fronts made my eyes puffy, and I felt sleepy all day long. It was harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning. All I wanted was to take the day off, and the internal battle I had to wage to get myself out the door became exhausting. Why is it that even though the spirit may be willing, the body falters? Today I got up even later than usual and sat at the table listening to the rain. My mother had already fixed my sister’s breakfast and seen her off to work. She’d retreated to her own bedroom and the house was perfectly still. I poured some water from the electric kettle and made myself a cup of instant coffee. Then, instead of eating breakfast, I crunched on a gymnema tablet. The waist-band of my navy-blue skirt was now so loose, the skirt spun around on my hips. I was trimmer now than ever. The lighter I grew, the happier I felt. At this rate I was just going to melt away into thin air. I was ecstatic. The weather might be oppressive, but I was in a jubilant mood.

  The rain had begun to come down in torrents. The flowers in the garden that Mother was so proud of had been flattened: hydrangea, azaleas, roses, little flowering grasses. They were all bent down. I turned to the garden and cursed the stupid plants. As soon as the rains let up they’d bounce right back, perkier than ever from all the moisture. The little bastards! I despised my mother’s precious garden.

  I looked out at the sky. No doubt business would be hopeless tonight as well. I’d only been able to work one week during the whole month of June and barely managed to pull in ¥48,000. I’d had four customers, including Yoshizaki and some drunk. I squeezed ¥30,000 out of Yoshi-zaki and the drunk gave me ¥10,000. Then I had two homeless guys. The first was the man I’d done before in the empty lot, but the other was a newcomer. I did them both outside under a rain-laced sky. It had gotten to the point where men would pay me to watch me pee out in the lot. Nothing fazed me anymore. But as a consequence I was finding it harder and harder to concentrate at work; I was always so tired. I just sat at my desk and clipped newspaper articles, and I didn’t even care which articles I clipped. Sometimes I amused myself by clipping out sections of the television listings. My boss would glare at me out of the side of his eyes, but he never said a word. The other people in the office looked at me and huddled together in whispers, but I didn’t care. Let them talk. I was strong.

  I opened the morning edition of the newspaper, and after I scanned the weather report I thumbed through the society page. My eyes were caught by the crumbs of toast my sister had left behind in the paper—she’d gotten to it before me. She must have stopped to read this