Grotesque Read online

  “Look at me! It’ll turn you on!” Zhang shouted gleefully.

  I opened my eyes reluctantly and saw Zhang’s white socks and Chen-yi’s bare feet.

  The one named Dragon had not taken a bath in weeks. He reeked. It was all I could do not to throw up, just guiding him into place. Instinctively, I covered my nose with my hand. Dragon didn’t seem to notice or else he didn’t care. He was too busy flailing about on top of me. I squeezed my eyes shut, held my nose, and lay there as cold as a stone Jiz. That’s the way it always was. I never felt a thing. I would lie there while a man stuck his thing in me and all I had to do was be patient. It wouldn’t take long. And that was it. Sometimes I would put on a little act of my own. But there was no need for that here.

  I knew Zhang and Chen-yi were right there watching, but by then I didn’t really care. If I hadn’t gotten excited, like Zhang said, then I would not be embarrassed or even angry about doing it in front of them. But to do two men for two thousand yen? I did the math in my head. There was clearly no profit in it, only loss. Then why did I agree? That’s when I remembered that I had come to Zhang’s apartment because I wanted to use his toilet. How could I have forgotten something like that? Had I become completely numb even to my own feelings? Or perhaps even more aware? I couldn’t decide and my thoughts became a jumble. I had enjoyed my time with Zhang up on the roof. That was the first time I had felt such pleasure, and I wondered if it would happen again. Each time sex seemed the same, even though it was with different men. Sex certainly was strange. Ever since I ran into Yuriko, I’d felt uncertain, as if I were drifting around in a dream, and it felt good.

  Dragon grabbed my shoulders roughly and let out a sharp groan. Then he came. Without really thinking anything much at all, I gazed up at the ceiling, which was covered here and there with brown stains. On the roof, right above where we were now, was where I’d had sex earlier with Zhang. I recalled throwing the condom and watching the semen leaking out over the roof. Perhaps it had seeped down into the ceiling here. Perhaps it was what had made those stains.

  From time to time I find myself amused by the paucity of semen a customer will spew out after all that panting and moaning. And it’s for a puny product like that that a man will buy a prostitute like me? My nighttime self always excels my daytime self. If it weren’t for my nighttime self, what would become of my customers and their lame products? Tonight, for the first time I experienced joy that I was not born a man. Why? Because I thought men’s desires trivial. And because I had become the entity that acknowledged those desires.

  I felt I could finally understand Yuriko’s freaky calm. Ever since Yuriko had been a little girl, she brought the world to her feet by using her sexuality. In her treatment of male desires of all kinds, she had built a world entirely out of men—even if only for the briefest of moments. It made me bitter. She didn’t have to study; she didn’t even have to work. She was able to bring the world to her feet by one method and one alone—because she was able to make men ejaculate. Now I would do the same. For a brief second I was drunk with the feeling of mastery.

  I heard an exchange in Chinese and opened my eyes. Zhang and Chen-yi were sitting down by Dragon and me. They were staring right at me. Chen-yi, who didn’t look like he was older than his mid-twenties, was blushing and pressing his hands between his legs. Did you feel it? I wanted to ask. How’d you like it? I gazed over at Chen-yi from where I was on the floor. Chen-yi averted his eyes from my face as if he were angry and turned away.

  “Chen-yi’s next.” Zhang gave Chen-yi a nudge.

  Chen-yi looked reluctant to have sex in front of an audience and glared sulkily at Zhang as if in protest. But Zhang would have none of it. For a mere two thousand yen he had taken me and Dragon and Chen-yi and had us bending to his will. I could see I had not yet come to terms with Zhang’s world. I was going to have to conquer Zhang. I raised my arms and wrapped them around Zhang’s knees.

  “You next.”

  But he just brushed me aside and pushed Chen-yi over to me.

  “Go on. Hurry up.”

  Chen-yi reluctantly began removing his track suit. When Dragon saw Chen-yi’s erect penis, Dragon said something. I pulled a condom out of my bag and handed it to Chen-yi. Unaccustomed to them, Chen-yi was awkward, but he managed to put it on; then he took off his glasses and set them beside him on the tatami. What a jerk. Dragon snatched up the glasses and put them on, like a fool. The condescension and bitterness had faded from Dragon’s expression and I noticed that he looked relaxed and gentler. I expect my expression was similar.

  Chen-yi embraced me, and then he started planting sloppy kisses on my face, which completely took me by surprise. Zhang had done the same thing. I opened my eyes and looked up to see Zhang staring down at me. My customers never kissed me. We just fucked. That was true even of my regulars like Yoshizaki and Arai. None of them kissed me, and none of them wanted to. Zhang urged me on with his eyes. I remembered having my first orgasm with him on the roof. If I could have more, I could master my own world. I wrapped my arms around Chen-yi’s back and began to kiss him back, writhing together with him as if our bodies were one. I felt Zhang’s hand on my left thigh, rubbing. His hand was warm. Dragon followed suit, touching my right thigh. I was being teased and touched and fondled by three men. I couldn’t have asked for more. I was a queen! God it was great. At that moment Chen-yi and I both came; for me, it was the second orgasm of my life.

  Zhang put his hand on my head, brought his lips down to my ear, and whispered, his voice rough with excitement, “Did it feel good?”

  I sat up and retrieved my wig, which had found its way to the other side of the room. Chen-yi looked back at me shyly, then quickly got dressed. Dragon sat there staring at my body while he smoked a cigarette. I put my wig back on and anchored it with a pin, then I started getting dressed.

  “Let me use the bathroom.”

  Zhang pointed to a set of veneer doors by the entryway. I was dizzy when I stood up. I guess that’s to be expected. I mean, that was the first time that I’d serviced three men one after the other like that. So many firsts in one day had worn me out, and I staggered to the bathroom door. It was filthy. The floor was wet with urine. Why do men have to be such pigs? It made me retch. The toilet, the trash on the stairs, the gunk in the seam of the tatami—they were all the same. I guess that’s why I began to feel a new sensation welling up inside me, a feeling of wretchedness I couldn’t shake. Fighting back the tears, I finished my business as quickly as I could.

  “Want to do me again?” Zhang asked, as I came out of the bathroom.

  I shook my head. “No. Your toilet is so filthy I feel like I’m going to throw up.”

  “Well, welcome to reality.”

  Was this reality, a place like this? Then what were the orgasms I’dhad? And that momentary taste of control? The feelings I had earlier welled up again. But why? Welcome to reality. That’s precisely why I wanted to live forever in the dream where I get to rule the world.

  “I’m going.”

  I put myself back together and glanced back into the room as I slipped into my high heels. Not one of the men looked at me as I left.

  It was eleven-thirty when I got back to the Jiz statue. Yuriko would be coming around soon. I looked at my watch and I scanned the street for signs of her, but she didn’t turn up. Cold, tired, and irritated, I started to head for the station. And then I heard Yuriko calling to me from behind.

  “Kazue, how’d it go tonight?”

  She made her way slowly down the hill, dressed exactly like me: long jet-black hair, white face powder, blue eye shadow, and bright red lipstick. I felt I was beholding my own ghost, and a cold shiver went up my spine. Rock-bottom whore. A woman who exists only for the benefit of a few lousy cc’s of sperm. Monster. I deflected the question.

  “What about you?”

  Yuriko held up one finger. “One. A sixty-eight-year-old man. He said he saw a sex flick at the Bunkamura and got a hard-on. It made him want t