Grotesque Read online

  “Come on. It’ll be fun. Let’s party.”

  The students were young. They looked at me in disgust, turned away, and ran. I recalled how people at work tried to avoid eye contact with me, as if they’d seen something disgusting. Even my mother, my younger sister, all they had to do was look at me and they’d cringe. It seemed that whoever looked at me could not help but recoil.

  Was I completely out of bounds? I had no idea how I looked to others. I headed off in the direction the two boys had taken.

  “Let’s party our brains out. Come on. I’ll do you both. We can go to a hotel and I’ll do you both for fifteen thousand yen. What do you say?”

  The two were speechless. They practically started running when they saw me behind them. But I can’t let my prey get away! And then, at that instant, I heard someone call out, “Try me. I’ll do you each, one by one.”

  I couldn’t believe it. The woman on the street ahead of me, with her arms stretched out wide, was done up exactly like me. She tried to block the boys from going past her. The boys, completely taken aback, came to a halt.

  “I’ll give you a better deal—five thousand yen each.”

  Her black wig fell to her waist. She had a Burberry trench coat like mine, black high heels, and a brown shoulder bag. She’d painted her lids with thick blue eye shadow, and her lips were bright red. It was Yuriko. The boys, now completely panicked, ran past her. She looked back after them and then turned around and shrugged.

  “They got away.”

  “Well, of course, you terrified them.”

  I was angry, but Yuriko didn’t seem to care. “Don’t sweat it. The night is young. What do you think, Kazue? Do I look like you?”

  Yuriko opened her trench coat. Underneath she was wearing a cheap blue suit. It resembled the one I wore. I stared at the thick layer of white foundation Yuriko wore. She looked like a clown. It was hideous. Is that what I look like? I was furious.

  “Do you think I look like that?”

  “You do, Kazue. You look like a monster.”

  “Well, whatever happened to the beautiful half you used to be? You’re fat and ugly now.”

  Yuriko smiled scornfully, her lips curling up the way foreigners’ mouths do.

  “Laugh all you want but you’re no better.”

  “What do you mean, I’m no better?” I asked. “Don’t I look like a businesswoman?”

  Yuriko turned an unfocused gaze on me and snorted. “No. I don’t see it. You don’t look like a businesswoman or even a young woman. In fact, you don’t even look like a middle-aged woman. All you look like is a monster. M-o-n-s-t-e-r.”

  I stared at Yuriko, my mirror image. Both of us were monsters.

  “Well, if I’m a monster, you’re one too, Yuriko.”

  “Yeah, I suppose so. A pair of whores standing around in the same outfits must be terrifying. But you know, there are men in this world who like monsters. It’s weird when you think about it. On the other hand, I suppose you could say it’s men who made us into monsters. Kazue, when is it okay for me to stand here? If it’s going to be a problem I’ll go over and stand in front of Shinsen Station.”

  “Absolutely not,” I said, in no uncertain terms. “Shinsen Station’s included in my turf. I inherited the area from the Marlboro Hag, and if you don’t follow my instructions I won’t share any of it with you.”

  “The Marlboro Hag?” Yuriko asked, looking up at the Jiz statue, clearly with little interest in the question.

  “That’s the old woman who used to work this area. She died right after she retired.”

  Yuriko smirked. Her teeth were stained yellow from cigarettes.

  “What a shitty way to go. I suspect I’ll be killed by a john. Probably you too, Kazue. That’s the way it goes when you’re on the prowl. The minute a man turns up who likes monsters, you can be sure he’ll be the one who’ll do us in, you and me.”

  “Why the hell do you think that? You’ve got to have a more positive attitude!”

  “I don’t think my attitude is negative.” Yuriko shook her head in denial. “After whoring for twenty years, I’ve come to know men for what they really are. Or wait. Perhaps I should say I know who we really are. At heart, a man truly hates a woman who sells her body. And any woman who sells her body hates the men who pay her for it. You get two people together with all that hate, somebody’s going to kill someone before too long. I’m just waiting for my day to come. When it does, I don’t plan to fight. I’m just going to let myself be killed.”

  I wondered if Yoshizaki and Arai hated me. What about the sadist Eguchi? I couldn’t understand Yuriko’s perspective. Had she seen into the future? Had she looked at the hell that lay ahead of her? It was different for me, wasn’t it? I frequently enjoyed selling my body, though it was true that there were times when it was little more than a miserable moneymaking scheme.

  The neon lights over the love hotel were flickering. At that instant Yuriko’s profile floated in the dark like some kind of heavenly visage. I was reminded again of the ethereal beauty she possessed in high school. It was as if I’d slipped back in time.

  “Yuriko, do you really hate men? I always thought you liked men so much you could never get enough of them.”

  Yuriko turned back to look at me. When I saw her face straight on, she looked like a dumpy middle-aged woman again.

  “I hate men, but I love sex. It’s the opposite for you, isn’t it, Kazue?”

  I wonder. Do I love men and hate sex? Do I walk the streets just so I can get close to men? That’s the wrong way of going about it. Yuriko’s question shocked me.

  “If you and I became one, we’d be perfect. We’d be able to live the ultimate life. But on the other hand, if it’s the perfect life you want, best not to be born a woman.”

  “So, Kazue? When are you going to let me work your corner?”

  “Come after I’ve gone home. I always take the last train to Fujimigaoka at twelve-twenty-eight. If you want to come by after I’ve left, that’s fine with me. You can stand the rest of the night if you want.”

  “You are too kind. Thank you so very much,” Yuriko said sarcastically.

  She walked off toward Shinsen Station, the hem of her coat flapping in the breeze. I looked up at the Jiz statue in irritation. I felt Yuriko had soiled me and the ground I stood on with her presence.

  “Saint Jiz, am I a monster? How was it that I became this monster? Please teach me, I pray.”

  Of course, the Jiz does not speak. I looked up into the night sky. The neon signs along Dogenzaka had dyed the sky pink. I could hear the sound of the wind rushing high above my head. It was growing colder by the minute. Seeing the tips of the treetops shivering brought an end to the bright mood I had enjoyed earlier. A bitter winter chill had crept into the night air. The minute a man turns up who likes monsters, you can be sure he’ll be the one who’ll do us in, you and me. Yuriko’s prophecy echoed over and over in my head, but I wasn’t frightened. I wasn’t afraid of men; I was afraid of the monster I had become. I wondered if I could ever go back to my old self.

  I heard a voice behind me. “Is that statue a god?” Embarrassed to be caught unaware, I quickly adjusted my wig and turned to look around. A man wearing jeans and a black leather jacket stood there. He wasn’t particularly tall, but he was muscular. He looked to be in his mid-thirties. I felt a rush of excitement. Recently most of my customers had been either old men or homeless bums.

  “You’ve been here to pray before, haven’t you? So I’m assuming this is a god.”

  He was a foreigner. I stepped out of the shadows and peered at the man’s face. His hair was thinning but he was not unattractive. He looked like he’d make a good customer.

  “A god, yes. It’s my god.”

  “Really? Well, it certainly does have a nice face. I walk past here fairly often and always wonder what kind of statue this is.”

  The man had a very polite and calm way of speaking. Very calm. But I had a difficult time understanding what