Grotesque Read online

  “When your father married me,” she’d say, “he didn’t even know what cheese was. When I made breakfast he thought I’d let the cheese spoil because it smelled sharp, and he asked me what it was. I was shocked at his ignorance.”

  Mother laughed when she told this story, but her laugh disclosed a sense of disgust. My mother had grown up in Tokyo, where her father, grandfather, and great-grandfather had all been either upper-level bureaucrats or lawyers. My father, on the other hand, was from some hick town in Wakayama Prefecture, where he had to struggle just to make it into Tokyo University. He had no choice after that but to enter a company and work as an accountant. My father was proud of using his wits to succeed. My mother was proud of her pedigree.

  And what about me? After I graduated from Q University, I entered a top-notch firm. I was fashionably thin and men paid attention to me. I had it all, which in and of itself was extremely cool, I thought. By day I was respected for my brains; by night I was desired for my body. I felt like Superwoman! It made me grin as I thought about it.

  “Kazue! Watch what you’re doing! You’re spilling your coffee!” I heard Mother scream angrily. I realized I’d dribbled here and there. A brown stain was spreading on my polyester skirt. Mother picked up the dishcloth and threw it at me. I tried to wipe the coffee off but only succeeded in making the stain worse. Once it had set, it was not going to come out. Resigned, I picked the newspaper off the table and began to spread it out.

  “Aren’t you going to change?” my mother asked, without looking in my direction. She began clearing away my younger sister’s breakfast things. She always made my sister’s breakfast: toast, fried egg, coffee. My sister worked for a manufacturer and had to leave at the crack of dawn. I only had to be at work by nine-thirty, so I usually didn’t have to leave home until eight-thirty.

  “No. The skirt is navy so it’s not that noticeable.”

  I heard my mother release an especially loud sigh, so I looked up.

  “What?”

  “I just think you could pay more attention to your appearance. You’ve worn the same outfit how many days in a row now?”

  This made me angry. “Look, I’m old enough to dress myself, so just mind your own business, will you?”

  Mother was quiet for a minute after that. But then she started in again.

  “I don’t want to bring this up now, but there is something I simply must speak to you about. Lately you’ve been coming home very late. What have you been doing? Plus your makeup has gotten so heavy, you’re thinner than ever, and I just wonder if you’re eating properly.”

  “I’m eating.”

  I chewed up a gymnema pill and washed it down with a swig of coffee. Gymnema was a popular weight-loss product. It was distilled from natural sources and helped break down fat cells in the body. I bought a bottle in the convenience store and ate the pills instead of breakfast.

  “That’s not food, it’s medicine. You’ll get sick if you don’t eat well.”

  “If I get sick, there will be no one around to keep earning money, will there?”

  Mother had gradually begun to look like a nasty old woman. Her hair had thinned and her face—with her eyes spaced so far apart—had begun to look more and more like that of a flounder. When she heard my taunt, Mother let out a big sigh and then she said, “You’ve really become a monster. It’s frightening.”

  She pointed to the bruises I had on my wrists. “Are you into something weird?”

  “Oh-oh! I’ve gotta run!”

  I looked at my watch and jumped up. I slapped the newspaper down on the table. Mother covered her ears with her hands and glared at me angrily.

  “Was that loud enough?” I shouted. “You ought to be able to grant me that much. I mean, you’re living off my wages, aren’t you? Why do you think you can tell me what to do?”

  “Why shouldn’t I?”

  “Because I’ll do whatever I damn well please and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

  I felt better once I got that off my chest. Back when I first entered the same company where my father had worked, I was so proud of the fact that I was able to provide for my mother and sister. But now it had become a big weight around my neck. My father had collapsed in his bath. If we’d discovered him right away, we might have been able to save him. I couldn’t help secretly blaming my mother. She was at home, but she’d already gone to bed. I just couldn’t get it out of my mind that she was somehow to blame.

  After my father’s death, my income was the sole support for the family, and I began to feel the pressure. I took on as many tutoring jobs as I could and spent all day running from one to the next. And what did she do, my mother? She just sat at home fussing over the plants in her garden. What a big fat zero. A worthless woman. I looked at my mother in total disgust.

  “If you don’t hurry, you’re going to be late,” my mother said, without glancing over at me. What she meant was, Hurry up and disappear. I threw on my trench coat and grabbed my shoulder bag. Mother did not go with me to the front door to see me off. Here I was, setting off to earn the money that enabled her to live in this house, and she couldn’t even say good-bye. She’d always managed to send my father off.

  I slipped into my dust-covered black high heels and left the house. I was tired, and my legs felt heavy. I hadn’t had enough sleep. As I walked to the station, I looked down at the bruises on my wrists. The customer I had last night was into S&M play. He’d tied my wrists tightly. I encounter that kind of customer from time to time, and each time I add an extra charge to the usual fee. “If you want to get kinky, give me another ten thousand yen and I’ll play along,” I tell them.

  At work I was so sleepy I couldn’t take it, so I went into the conference room and stretched out on the table to nap. It was as close as I could get to crawling into bed. I lay there on my back and slept. Someone came into the room, but seeing that I was on the table, he closed the door in a hurry and left. I was sure someone would call me on it before long, but at that point I didn’t care.

  I slept for about an hour before I returned to my desk. As I walked past Kamei’s desk I saw her hurriedly cover up one of her papers. I knew what it was: an invitation to one of the social gatherings that the others in the company organized. I never attend, so nobody bothers to invite me anymore. At that moment I was seized with the desire to have a little fun with Kamei. “What’s that you have?” I asked. Kamei took a deep breath, preparing her answer.

  “Ms. Sat, can you come? They’ll be having a party next week.”

  “When?”

  “On Friday.”

  I could feel the air in the office go still. Everyone held their breath, awaiting my response. I glanced over at the office manager. He was sitting at his computer pretending to type something.

  “I’m afraid I can’t.”

  The air began to stir again. Kamei nodded nervously.

  “Oh, well, that’s too bad.”

  Kamei’s outfit was garish. Today she was wearing a pantsuit made of some kind of glossy material. Her blouse was bright white and open at the throat, revealing a gold necklace underneath. She really stood out in a conservative work environment like ours. And when she left at night, I suspect she exuded the aura of a “career woman.” I felt a flash of superiority as I compared her double life to my own.

  “Ms. Sat, you haven’t ever joined us on one of our nights out, have you?”

  Kamei seemed to be launching some kind of offensive strike. I ducked down behind the piles of papers on my desk and did not answer. Just as I stuck the earplugs in my ears, I heard Kamei apologize for overstepping her bounds.

  “Sorry.”

  Actually, I had gone to one of the events, shortly after I’d entered the firm. There were about forty people there, as I recall. They held the event at a bistro next to our office building. I figured it would be like an extension of work and I probably should go. Other than the old-timers, there were about ten other new employees. Only two of us, another woman and I, had