Wishful Thinking Read online

  “I want to talk about going back to school,” Phil said quietly. “Remember the plan, Christian? I put you through law school and then you were supposed to put me through.”

  He sighed and sank down in his chair. “Yeah, I remember. But look, babe.” His tone became softer. “I’ve been giving that some thought. I mean, why should you have to go back to school now that I can support us?”

  Phil couldn’t believe her ears. “Excuse me? Why should I have to go back to school? Did it ever occur to you that I want to go back?”

  Christian sighed. “Yeah, but do you really think it’s necessary? I mean, I know you want to quit your crappy job and that’s fine with me. Just let me get another raise or two under my belt and you can leave BB&D and never look back. But law school is expensive. And why should you go back when it would be so much easier for you to stay home and start a family? I mean, we both want kids and it would be nice for me to come home every day to a home cooked meal. You could kick back and relax—just take it easy—take care of the house, maybe take those tennis lessons you always wanted…” He trailed off. “Babe?”

  Phil took a deep breath. “So this is your answer, Christian? Instead of holding up your end of the bargain, you want me to give up everything I’ve been waiting for ever since we met? I’ve put my dreams on hold for the last four years for you and this is what I get?”

  “Hey, hey, hey…” He put up both hands. “Come on now, let’s get real here, babe. You always talk about wanting to be a civil rights attorney but let’s lay the facts on the table. I know you, Phil, and you wouldn’t be any good in a court room situation. You’d let the other side bully you and you couldn’t stand up to the judge. Hell—you’d lose just about every case you tried. Why should I waste money on getting you a degree in something you wouldn’t be any damn good at? It’s a bad idea all the way around.”

  Phil felt like he’d taken her heart in his hand and twisted it. “Is…is that really what you think of me?” she asked, hoping her voice wouldn’t break. “Is that really how you see me, Christian?”

  Her fiancé looked taken aback. “Hell, I’m just stating the facts, Phil. I don’t want to hurt your feelings but you’d make a lousy lawyer and you and I both know it.”

  “I don’t know any such thing. How could I know unless I try? This is my dream, Christian. My heart that you’re trampling on. Can’t you see that?”

  “Shit! Phil, could you stop it with the melodrama?” Christian rolled his eyes. “I don’t understand you sometimes. Here I am, offering you the chance to kick back and take it easy for the rest of your life while I take care of everything and you’re acting like I stomped your pet puppy dog.”

  Suddenly her pain turned to anger—a red rage so blinding that Phil wanted to hurt him the way he had hurt her. “May I remind you,” she asked, through gritted teeth. “That I turned down an acceptance from Stanford to put you through school? May I further remind you that you went to State because you couldn’t get into any place else?”

  Her fiancé’s face darkened. “That was a low blow, Phil.”

  “Oh, and telling me my dream is a ridiculous fantasy because I’d be no good at it isn’t?” she shouted. She was trembling with rage and yet she felt cold inside. The wish had her completely in its grip and she couldn’t stop talking. But the words were true, every last one of them.

  “And you know what, Christian?” she continued. “That isn’t even what bothers me the most. It’s what a selfish bastard you’ve become. We had a deal. But you’re living your dream. So why should you care if I ever get mine, right?”

  He shook his head in disgust. “I can’t talk to you about this right now. If you’re not willing to face facts I can’t help you.” He got up from the table and tossed his half-empty mug in the sink. Coffee splattered up over the wall behind the sink and there was a sharp cracking sound as the mug shattered.

  “I don’t know why I should be surprised,” Phil yelled. “It’s not like this is the only part of our life you’re selfish in. I haven’t had an orgasm with you in the past three years!” Then she clapped a hand over her mouth. The fact that their sex life wasn’t that great was something she hadn’t even allowed herself to think about. Was her subconscious getting into the act now, too?

  Christian took a deep breath and turned back to face her. For a moment she thought he was going to hit her. He had never struck her the entire time they had been together but a part of her almost welcomed it. Come on, do it! Show your true colors, you bastard. Cass was right about you all along. All of them were right! I’m just sorry I wasted so much time defending you. She opened her mouth to say it, but Christian stopped her by taking both her shoulders in his hands.

  “Phil,” he said softly, holding her gaze with his. “I’m sorry if what I told you hurt you but I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t care.” He was breathing hard but the anger was gone from his eyes. They were calm and blue and utterly serious. “And deep down in your heart, you know I’m right. Phil…” He shook her gently for emphasis. “Wedding, yes. Kids and a family—absolutely. But law school…” He furrowed his brow. “I’m sorry, Philly-babe, but you have to trust me on this. I’ve been there and done that and I know better. I care about you—I care enough to tell you that you just don’t have what it takes. Do you understand?”

  “No.” Phil felt numb and all the hot rage inside her suddenly turned to ice. “No, I don’t understand, Christian. I don’t think I understand anything anymore.”

  “That’s why you have to trust me,” he said. “To take care of you. To look out for your best interests. I’m only telling you this because I want to spare you the pain of finding it out on your own the hard way.” He gave her a swift kiss on the cheek. “Look, I know you want to talk about this but I really have to go or I’m going to miss this early meeting. Okay?”

  “Okay,” Phil said numbly. She literally had nothing else to say.

  “Good.” Christian smiled at her. “I’m glad we understand each other. See ya later, babe.” He headed for the shower, leaving Phil to sink down at the table, clutching her throbbing temples with both hands.

  Chapter Eleven

  She would have been happy to call in sick, but Phil had a performance review with Dickson Junior that afternoon and ditching it would have meant automatic termination.

  Christian had run out of the house after the fastest shower in history, leaving her to get dressed in dismal silence. Phil dragged through her morning routine, knowing she was running late and unable to make herself care. She had never had a fight like that with her fiancé before. Had never let him know what she really thought and felt, as pathetic as it sounded. But worse than hearing her own feelings voiced out loud had been hearing his. Did he really think so little of her? Did he really expect her just to roll over and forget her dreams because he said so? Phil supposed he probably did. After all, she’d been pretty much going along with everything Christian said for years. It must have been an ugly shock for him to find out she had a mind of her own.

  The worst thing though, was the little voice in the back of her head that told her he might be right. Christian had voiced every doubt she had ever had about herself and somehow made it a reality. What if I would make a lousy lawyer? What if everything I’ve ever wanted is just a stupid pipedream?

  A part of her knew she could succeed at whatever she turned her hand to as long as she tried hard enough. But the other part… I’m just trying to spare you pain, he’d said. But the most painful thing was knowing what he thought if her.

  Phil was cold all over. She felt like she ought to be crying, but she hadn’t shed a tear. It was as though she had cut herself deeply with a knife and was stuck in that split second between the initial slice and the instant the wound starts to bleed.

  She was also beginning to rethink her wish. Maybe it would be wise to call the fairy godmother and ask her to reverse what she had done. Good luck on that one, Phil snorted to herself. She remembered the FG’s nasty tone when sh