Wishful Thinking Read online

  Phil had just taken a big mouthful of grape soda and she nearly sprayed it all over the interior of his car. She finally managed to swallow with a gasp. “Don’t say that kind of thing when I have my mouth full!” she scolded. “I almost redecorated the inside of your car.”

  Josh grinned. “Well, you know, now that I think about it, Chez Bowman is kinda drab. We could maybe use a fresh coat of paint in here. Or grape soda, whichever you happen to have a mouthful of.”

  Phil laughed again, thinking that she couldn’t remember having such a good time during a meal. Christian had taken her out to plenty of fancy restaurants in the past year, but all of those dinners had been dull affairs to impress new or potential clients. She couldn’t remember laughing at a single one of them. In fact, she couldn’t remember laughing with Christian at all in a very long time.

  Thinking of her fiancé made her remember the fight they’d had that morning and her good mood evaporated like water spilled in the sun.

  “Hey, Swann?”

  She looked up to see that Josh was giving her his concerned look again. “What gives? We were having fun and then all of a sudden you got this look on your face like your puppy died.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry.” Phil had finished her sandwich and she folded the paper towel nervously into fourths. “It’s just that…this…this thinking out loud thing where I can’t stop saying what’s on my mind…it’s kind of really put a crimp in my relationships.”

  “Trouble in paradise?” Josh raised one eyebrow but his deep voice remained neutral.

  Phil shrugged. She’d always felt free to talk to Josh about everything—well, almost everything—to do with Christian, he wouldn’t be her best friend otherwise. But sometimes she glossed over the worst aspects of her relationship with her fiancé because she got tired of defending him. She wanted to gloss over the fight they’d had this morning, too, but then the wish kicked in.

  “I have…I want to go back to school—to law school.” She looked up from her now tiny napkin square and saw Josh listening quietly as he finished the last of the soda. “And Christian and I had a deal that I would put him through first and then he would put me through. That way we wouldn’t have to take so many loans. So he’s been out of school for a while now—over a year—and I wanted to talk about going back. Well, first, I wanted to talk about finally getting married. I mean, we’ve been together five years now and it’s getting ridiculous.”

  Josh cleared his throat. “So did you set a date?’

  “No, that was what we were supposed to be talking about this morning. Christian has been dodging the issue forever and last night when I…when this whole speaking my mind thing started, I confronted him about it and he promised we’d talk over coffee.”

  “You don’t drink coffee,” Josh pointed out.

  Phil shrugged. “No, but I make a pot for him every morning. Anyway, we started talking and some…things sort of came to light that, well, they really hurt me.”

  “He, uh, doesn’t want to get married?” Josh was looking down at his hands so she couldn’t read his expression.

  “Well, no—actually, I don’t know. He said we should save up for a big wedding but I told him I was tired of waiting, you know? I even told him we could go to Vegas if he wanted to.”

  Josh looked up quickly. “You’re not, are you? I mean…” He cleared his throat. “Are you really considering that?”

  “I really don’t know what’s going on with the marriage issue right now. But as far as I’m concerned, it’s secondary to my going back to school.”

  “Secondary?” Josh raised both eyebrows this time. “Wow, sounds serious.”

  “It is.” Phil took a deep breath and let it out, wishing she could skip this part. It was so humiliating. But of course, the wish wouldn’t let her stop. “We, uh, I brought up the idea of me quitting BB&D and going back to school. I’ve tried to tell Christian before what a hellhole it is. I mean, if it wasn’t for you, I’d go crazy working there.”

  One corner of Josh’s full mouth quirked up. “Thanks, Swann. Honestly, I kind of feel the same way about you.”

  “Really?” She reached out to squeeze his hand. “Thanks, Josh, that means a lot to me.”

  “Likewise.” He nodded and entwined their fingers again so that they were holding hands loosely as they talked. “So go on, you told Christian you wanted to go back to school. What did he say?”

  “He…he said that I ought to forget about it. That I should stay home and take care of the house, have a few babies, take some tennis lessons. You know, that kind of thing.”

  “He wants you to do the Desperate Housewife thing? Why?”

  Phil nearly choked getting the words out. “He said…said that it would be a waste of money putting me through law school because I would be a lousy lawyer. Apparently I’d be…no good in a courtroom situation and I’d probably lose every case I tried.”

  “Hey.” Josh put his free hand on her arm. “I hope those are his words, not yours.”

  Phil nodded. Her eyes were welling up again but she just let the tears come. “I…I turned down an acceptance to Stanford to put him through school. I’ve put my life on hold for him for the last four or five years, all because I thought he believed in me the way I believed in him. And now, to find out he has such a low opinion of me…” She swiped at her tears angrily with the folded paper towel. “But the worst thing is, he wasn’t angry when he said it. I mean, we had been fighting but then he got very calm and said that he cared about me and didn’t want me to get hurt by finding out the hard way that I just didn’t have what…what it takes.”

  “Oh, Phil…” Josh squeezed her hand. “You know that’s not true, right?”

  “I…I feel like I don’t know anything.” Phil held onto his hand like a lifeline. “I mean, he says he cares about me, he kept reminding me of all the good times we’ve had together and then…then he drops this bomb. Crushes my dreams. And a part of me keeps thinking…” She choked back a sob. “Keeps thinking, what if he’s right? What if I would make a rotten lawyer? What if everything I’ve wanted and waited and worked for is all wrong for me?”

  Josh leaned closer to look into her eyes. Cupping her cheek, he brushed away a hot, salty tear with his thumb. “Come on, Phil, tell me you don’t believe that.”

  “I d-don’t know what to believe,” she stuttered, unhappiness overcoming her at last. Josh released her hand and pulled her close, wrapping his arms around her and holding her, gently but very securely. The next thing she knew, Phil was sobbing against his chest. She hated herself for being so weak. But at the same time, it felt like a knot that had been inside her chest all day was finally loosening. Josh just stroked her shoulders and back, silently.

  At last she felt her sobs taper off into sniffles. She struggled to sit up and Josh helped her, keeping an arm around her shoulders for support.

  “Here.” He handed her his paper towel and Phil shook off the sandwich crumbs and used it to blot her eyes and wipe her face. “Better now?” His melted chocolate eyes were filled with concern.

  “Uh-huh.” Phil nodded and took a deep breath. She looked down and saw that she had made a wet patch on the dark blue button down shirt he was wearing. “Wow, look at this.” She plucked at the damp material apologetically. “I didn’t mean to cry all over you. I’m really sorry, Josh, I just—”

  “Don’t be.” He squeezed her shoulders gently. “I want to be here for you. Always. You can cry all over me any time. Anyway, it’ll dry.” He disengaged for a moment and reached down to unbutton the shirt, opening it so that the wet patch could air dry. The gap in the dark blue material showed a broad expanse of muscular chest that would have made Phil’s mouth water if she wasn’t still so miserable. And still engaged, she reminded herself. Were things with Christian really over?

  “See? No harm done.” Josh’s voice broke into her mini-guilt session. He gave her a warm smile which she tried to return. “Now come here,” he said and pulled her back against him.