Lily Alone Read online

  ‘Who’s going to pull the wishbone with me?’ she said, hooking it out. ‘Come on then, Lily – pull.’

  I pulled and the little bone snapped.

  ‘Oh, you’ve got the biggest piece. You get the wish,’ said Mum.

  I clasped the greasy little bone in my hand, closed my eyes, and wished hard.

  Please don’t let Mum go on holiday without us!

  But after dinner she went to her room and started packing her case. Bliss and I lay on her bed, watching her. Baxter drove his fork-lift truck under her bed, crawling around in the dust. Pixie staggered about in Mum’s high heels, getting in the way.

  ‘I wish I had a decent bikini,’ said Mum. ‘Look, Lil, do you think my posh red bra and pants look a bit like a bikini?’

  ‘No, they look like a bra and pants.’

  ‘Oh well, I’ll just have to buy myself a bikini when I’m there. What should I wear for the flight? Should I dress up in the grey dress to look my best – or dress down in jeans and a T-shirt, making out it’s no big deal?’

  ‘I don’t know. Why don’t you wear your red bra and pants?’ I said.

  ‘Ooh! You’ve still got the hump, then. Little Miss Camel, that’s you,’ said Mum. Then she blinked at me earnestly. ‘Please don’t spoil everything, Lily. Just wait till you get a boyfriend. Then you’ll understand.’

  ‘I’m not ever ever ever getting a boyfriend,’ I said.

  ‘Well, you can be an old maid then and not have any fun at all,’ said Mum.

  ‘It’s not fun to go off and leave your kids,’ I mumbled.

  ‘I’m not leaving you, you nutcase. It’s just for a few days, I keep saying. And Mikey will be looking after you. Shall I ring him now? No, maybe I’ll leave it to the last second, just as I’m going – then he’ll have to come, no arguing.’

  ‘But, Mum—’

  ‘And no arguing from you either. I’ve just about had a bellyful. You shut up.’

  So that’s what I did. I was so stupid. I should have argued like crazy. I should have begged and pleaded and cried. I should have frightened Bliss and made her cry too. I should have thrown my arms round Mum. I could have done so many different things to stop her all that Sunday, but I let her carry on packing and have another cup of tea and then do her make-up. She was ready to go, her denim jacket on, her newly washed hair brushed out, bobbing on her shoulders.

  ‘OK, now I’ll tackle Mikey,’ she said, dialling.

  She listened, then frowned. ‘Oh dammit, it’s his voicemail. Mikey? Listen, Mikey, it’s me, Kate. Hey, you know you were saying you want to see the kids? Well, I’ve fixed it all up for you. You need to come over to my place as soon as you get this message. I’m going abroad for a few days with my new boyfriend – yeah, truly – so it’s your turn to play Daddy for a while. The kids are so excited you’ll be coming – aren’t you, Baxter, mate?’

  Baxter gave a whoop.

  ‘Hear that? OK, Mikey, don’t let me down, will you? Them kids mean all the world to me. Cheers.’

  She clicked her phone off and looked at us, nibbling her lip.

  ‘I want to talk to Dad,’ said Baxter.

  ‘No, love, I was just leaving him a message,’ said Mum. She looked at me. ‘So, can you be in charge of the kids just till Mikey gets here, Lil? Why does he have to have his phone switched off ? Typical! Anyway, you’ll be all right, won’t you, Lily? He’ll come round the minute he gets the message.’

  ‘Mum—’

  ‘You’ll be fine, I know you will. And I’ll phone you every day, I promise, just to check you’re OK. And I’ll bring you all a present when I come back. What would you like, Lily? I know, one of them Spanish dancer costumes. A red one, all over ruffles.’

  ‘I don’t want any present,’ I said – though I’d always loved spanish dancer costumes. I could see the red one with ruffles and I ached to own it.

  ‘I want a dancer costume – a pink one!’ said Pixie.

  ‘Can I have blue?’ said Bliss.

  ‘I don’t want a soppy costume,’ said Baxter, disgusted.

  ‘No, my little man, I’m going to get you a toy bull, a great big black bull, and you can be the bullfighter,’ said Mum.

  ‘Oh yes! A really fierce bull with horns, but I won’t be afraid of it, will I?’

  ‘You’re not afraid of anything, my Baxie. Now you be a good boy for Mikey, and don’t tease your sisters, you hear me? Bliss, you speak up for yourself if you want anything, and Mikey will do his best. Pixie, don’t be a little pickle, you be a very, very good girl.’ She kissed each of them and then threw her arms round me. ‘I’ll be back soon, Lily, I swear I will.’

  Then she picked up her case and ran for it, out of the door. She didn’t even give me a proper kiss. She was just suddenly gone. We heard her heels tap-tapping along the balcony.

  Baxter and Bliss and Pixie all looked at me. It was as if they’d only just realized what was happening.

  ‘Mum come back in a minute?’ said Pixie.

  ‘No, she’s gone for a week now, nearly,’ I said.

  Pixie’s bottom lip quivered. ‘No, in a minute,’ she said.

  ‘Where’s Dad then?’ said Baxter, looking around as if he was hiding in a cupboard somewhere.

  ‘He’ll come when he gets Mum’s message,’ I said, my stomach churning.

  ‘He won’t bring his dog, will he?’ said Bliss.

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Mum in a minute!’ Pixie shouted at the top of her voice, over and over, as if she could make it come true if she said it enough times.

  ‘Shut up, Pixie,’ I said, picking her up, but she went on bellowing right in my face.

  ‘Why isn’t Dad coming yet?’ Baxter asked, kicking the table leg.

  ‘Why did Mum go without us?’ Bliss said.

  ‘I don’t know!’ I shouted, startling them all. Even Pixie was shocked into silence.

  They all looked near tears, even Baxter. For a moment I hated all three of them. I wanted to shout and question and cry. I felt like sinking to my knees and howling like a baby. But I couldn’t. I was the eldest. I had to look after them.

  ‘Come on, you sillies. Let’s – let’s all do drawing. I’ll give you each a page of my lovely new drawing pad, OK? Baxter, you can draw a big scary bull. Bliss, you can draw yourself dancing in a blue frilly dress with those clapper things in your hands – castanets. And Pixie, I’ll help you draw – you can use my best crayons, OK? And while we’re drawing we’ll all have a bit of chocolate, Mum’s got some in the cupboard.’

  I got them all sitting up at the kitchen table drawing, great lumps of chocolate stoppering their mouths. Pixie drooled all down her chin as she scribbled.

  I’d done it. I’d got them all happy and distracted for the third evening in a row. I tried to join in, drawing a whole troupe of Spanish dancers, but their legs wouldn’t go right, kicking out at odd angles, while the chocolate covered my teeth and tongue in brown slime.

  I kept picturing Mum in my head, meeting up with this Gordon, going off with him on the train to the airport, waiting for her flight. If I was thinking of her, why wasn’t she thinking of me? Why didn’t she suddenly think, Oh my God, I can’t leave Lily and Baxter and Bliss and Pixie – I especially can’t leave them with Mikey. Then surely she’d say to Gordon, No, I’m sorry, I love you very much (though she’s only known him three days) but I love my kids more, I have to go back.

  I made chicken sandwiches for our tea, then found the little piece of wishbone and held it in my fist, wishing all over again. I imagined Mum suddenly rushing to get the train back. I went through every stage of the journey with her. It was so real inside my head that I almost heard her heels tap-tapping back along the balcony.

  But she didn’t come. And Mikey didn’t come either. Baxter got more and more restless. He pretended to be a bull himself, his hands curved at the top of his head as horns, and then he ran round after the little girls, butting them. He wasn’t really hurting them, but Bliss started cryin