Lola Rose Read online

  He held his arm out like it was part of his head, opened his mouth as wide as it would go, and circled round us.

  ‘Shut your mouth, Kendall, we can see your tonsils,’ I said. ‘Hey, Harpreet, you should see my Auntie Barbara do her whale imitation.’

  ‘I like your auntie. So where is she today?’

  ‘She’s with my mum,’ I said. My voice went wobbly.

  Kendall looked at me. He stopped being a shark. He put his hand in mine and hung on tightly all the way home.

  I knew it was bad news the moment we got in the door. Mum was hunched up on the sofa, chin on her knees, all her make-up cried away. Auntie Barbara tried to smile at us but her eyes were red too.

  ‘Oh Mum!’ I cried.

  She held out her arms and we went rushing to her. She cuddled us close, while Auntie Barbara hovered.

  ‘It’s awful news,’ said Mum. ‘The lump was cancer, and now it’s advanced. And it was in all the lymph nodes under my arm too. So I’ve got to have chemotherapy so I shall puke all the time and I’ll probably lose all my hair.’ She started weeping again.

  ‘You’ll look funny without hair,’ said Kendall.

  ‘Shut up. Mum will still look pretty no matter what,’ I said fiercely. ‘Just so long as she gets better.’

  ‘But will I get better?’ said Mum.

  ‘Of course you will,’ said Auntie Barbara.

  ‘And I could just as easily say of course I won’t,’ said Mum. ‘Do you know what the odds are, Lola Rose?’

  ‘Nikki, stop it. You shouldn’t tell her all this.’

  ‘Look, she’s my daughter. I’ll tell her what I want. I don’t have secrets from my kids. I’ve got a fifty-fifty chance, Lola Rose, even if I let them do all this chemo and radiation treatment. Fine sort of Lady Luck I am.’

  I felt as if the Voice of Doom had burst out of my head and was booming the bad news from a loudspeaker. It was so loud I couldn’t think of anything else.

  Kendall didn’t seem to understand properly and whined to watch television. He wouldn’t eat his tea and got very boisterous at bedtime, leaping about all over the place, refusing to put his pyjamas on. Mum yelled at him. Kendall burst into tears and wouldn’t stop. He screamed for hours until we were exhausted.

  When he finally settled, still snuffling in his sleep, Mum got Auntie Barbara to go down to the off licence for a couple of bottles of wine. She drank steadily, swallowing the wine as if it was medicine, until her head lolled and her eyes closed.

  ‘Time you were asleep too, Lola Rose,’ said Auntie Barbara.

  ‘I don’t think I can,’ I said.

  ‘Come here.’ Auntie Barbara held me tight. I couldn’t feel safe even with her arms round me.

  ‘It’s so unfair,’ I mumbled into her shoulder.

  ‘I know, I know.’

  ‘I hate feeling scared all the time.’

  ‘It’s awful, isn’t it.’

  ‘I just want Mum to be better and Dad to stay away and for us to be happy, just like anyone else. And – and it’s so bad of me, but I feel so cross with Mum.’ I burst out crying. ‘I know it’s not her fault, she can’t help having cancer, but it’s like she’s spoiling everything. Oh God, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t say that. It’s wicked. I’m wicked.’

  ‘No, you’re just worn out with worrying, darling. You’re not wicked at all, you’re the best girl ever. I’m so proud of my special niece. This is the one great thing for me, you know. I’ve met up with you and Kendall again.’

  ‘Will you really stay with us?’

  ‘I’ll have to nip back home soon to sort out the running of the pub and get some more clothes and go to my bank but I’ll come straight back, I promise. I’ll be here for you, Lola Rose, no matter what.’

  I put my hands either side of her big, sweet face. Her blue eyes stared straight back at me. I knew she really meant it. I leant against her and knew I loved her.

  Mum’s treatment frightened me. She had to go to the hospital to have the chemicals dripped into her. Auntie Barbara stayed with her and drove her home. Then the sickness started. She had to have a bucket in bed because she couldn’t always get to the toilet in time. They gave her more drugs to stop the sickness but she still felt sick, yawning all the time, all white and sweaty and sad.

  ‘I’m being bloody poisoned,’ she groaned. ‘I’m sick of puking all over the place. I’m not going back to that hospital. I’m not going through with all this.’

  ‘Yes, you are,’ said Auntie Barbara. ‘You’re going to have all the treatment and get better, do you hear me?’

  ‘I’d sooner take my chances,’ said Mum. ‘Poor as they are.’

  ‘Yes, but you can’t just think of yourself. There’s the kids.’

  ‘They’ll be better off without me,’ said Mum.

  ‘No we wouldn’t!’ I cried. ‘We need you, Mum.’

  ‘And I need you, darling,’ said Mum. ‘I love you, sweetheart, and little Kendall. I haven’t always been a good mum to you. Do you think getting ill like this is a punishment?’

  ‘No! You’ve been the best mum ever,’ I said.

  ‘I haven’t always been the best sister,’ said Mum, as Auntie Barbara held a cold flannel to her head.

  ‘True,’ said Auntie Barbara briskly. ‘But cancer cells don’t start multiplying just because you’ve been a bad girl in the past. Now stop whining and cuddle down and try and get some sleep.’

  ‘Bossyboots,’ said Mum. Then she reached out and grabbed Auntie Barbara’s hand. ‘I’m sorry, Barbs. For everything.’

  ‘I know. It’s OK. It was all over ages ago. You actually did me a favour.’

  ‘What favour? What did you do, Mum?’ I asked.

  ‘Never mind. Forget it,’ said Auntie Barbara.

  ‘I can’t forget it. What if I’m going to die? I don’t want to go to hell!’ Mum wept.

  ‘You’re not going to die. Not yet. Not for years and years and years,’ said Auntie Barbara firmly. ‘And what’s all this hell nonsense?’

  ‘Dad said I’d go to hell.’

  ‘Oh well, Dad was a warped old beggar.’

  ‘I thought you and Dad were always so thick. You were always the favourite,’ said Mum.

  ‘Why did Grandad say you’d go to hell, Mum?’ I persisted. ‘Because you ran off with Dad?’

  ‘I ran off with Barb’s boyfriend first,’ said Mum.

  I stared at Auntie Barbara.

  ‘He was her fiancé. Michael. They had the wedding all planned, honeymoon booked, everything finalized. And I was going to be the bridesmaid,’ Mum howled.

  ‘In a lilac dress with freesias in your hair,’ said Auntie Barbara. ‘And I was going the whole hog, marrying in ivory lace, with a bouquet of purple freesias and white roses. I was much too big for white lace even in those days but I was on a strict diet, scheduled to lose three stone in three months. Yep, it was all planned, every detail.’

  ‘You didn’t plan for me to ruin it all,’ said Mum. ‘I didn’t even like him much. I thought he was a bit boring really.’

  ‘He was boring,’ said Auntie Barbara. ‘I always knew exactly what he was going to say.’

  ‘But you didn’t know what he was going to do.’

  ‘Well, certainly, he didn’t seem the type to go after my little sister.’

  ‘Did you love him, Auntie Barbara?’ I asked.

  ‘Maybe I thought I did. At the time,’ she said, sighing.

  ‘I didn’t mean things to get out of hand,’ said Mum. ‘I was just having a little flirt with him. Only things kind of escalated.’

  ‘You were only sixteen. You were just messing about. I blamed Michael more than you.’

  ‘Why wouldn’t you take him back? He begged you. He never really stopped loving you, couldn’t you see that?’

  ‘I’m not so sure. Anyway, it was beside the point. I stopped loving him. I didn’t want him any more.

  ‘Maybe you’ll meet someone else, Auntie Barbara,’ I said.

  ‘I don�€