The Space Between Us Read online

  “No. I’m fine.” I didn’t feel like smiling, but did anyway.

  And though I wanted to kiss him again before he left, I didn’t.

  Chapter 31

  Instead of going home, I went to Vic and Elaine’s. I intended to just do a drive-by, but when I saw only her car in the drive, I pulled in. I’d take my chances if he came home.

  I knocked instead of letting myself in, though I still had a key. A nervous-looking Elaine opened the door a crack to peer out, then flung it wide when she saw it was me. She called to the kids as she reached for me.

  “What are you doing, knocking?” she cried, enfolding me into her embrace as best she could with the bulk of her belly between us. “Crazy girl. Kids! Look who’s here!”

  I was attacked from the knees down by one small, frantic warrior who clung to me and demanded to be lifted. “Max. Hey. What are you guys doing up so late?”

  “They sleep in longer if they stay up later,” Elaine said. “I know, call me Mother of the Year, but I just can’t face getting up at six in the morning when it’s dark out.”

  Simone hung back, arms crossed, mouth turned down, eyes suspicious. I’d have to work a little harder on that one. I respected the kid for it, though. I guess I couldn’t blame her for being mad.

  “Simmy. C’mere and give me a squeeze.”

  She shook her head. Elaine sighed and closed the door to tug at my sleeve. Max had already begun babbling, a long stream of stuff I didn’t understand but nodded over anyway.

  “I was having some hot chocolate and popcorn. You want some?” Elaine was already leading me into the kitchen, children trailing behind us. “Kids, give her some space.”

  Simone had no trouble giving me my space. She took her usual seat at the table and sat with the same frown on her face, not even drinking her cocoa. Elaine rolled her eyes but said nothing.

  I understood.

  I’d made a promise and broken it. I was anything but proud of that. So when we’d finished our snacks and Elaine had taken Max off to bed, I followed Simone into the bathroom to supervise her brushing her teeth. She did it a lot more vigorously than she used to, scrubbing and scrubbing until I finally sighed.

  “C’mon, kiddo, it’s bedtime.”

  She leaned and spat into the sink, then gave me the evil eye in the mirror. “I have to get rid of the plague.”

  “Uh-huh. That’s plaque, and I’m pretty sure you got rid of it. C’mon, I’ll read to you if you want. Anne of Green Gables?”

  She rinsed her mouth and put her toothbrush back. “We finished that already. Daddy read it to me.”

  “Well, what are you reading now? I could—”

  “Daddy won’t like it,” Simone said, “if we read ahead. Then he won’t know what happens.”

  There was no arguing with her, so I just nodded. “Okay, fine. But let’s go get into bed, anyway.”

  Reluctantly, she let me follow into her bedroom, which had been rearranged and freshly painted. “You got a new bedspread!”

  “And pillows!” she cried, running and bouncing on the bed before she remembered she was mad at me. She burrowed under the blankets and turned her face to the wall.

  I sat on the edge of the bed. “Simmy. Talk to me.”

  Her lip trembled, and she drew a heaving sigh I knew wasn’t faked. I stroked her hair until she turned to bury her face against my legs. Her small shoulders shook. Tears stung my eyes as I smoothed my hand over her hair, again and again.

  “I’m sorry, punkin.” I twirled her hair around one finger. “I know you’re upset with me, and I don’t blame you.”

  “You said!”

  “I know. But sometimes…”

  “I know, I know,” Simone wept. “Shit happens.”

  I bit my lip so I wouldn’t laugh, even as the stinging tears escaped to slide down my cheeks. I swiped at them hastily, not wanting her to see. “Don’t say that.”

  “That’s what Daddy says.” She sat up, eyes and nose red, cheeks wet. “That’s what he told Mama.”

  “He wouldn’t want you to say it, though.” I handed her a tissue, but ended up wiping her face for her.

  “Daddy said it wasn’t because of me and Max. Or the new baby.”

  “It wasn’t, sweetheart. I’m sorry you ever thought that.” I cuddled her close to me and sighed at how I’d done such damage to someone who loved me so much. “I suck. I’m sorry.”

  Simone breathed a sigh. “Daddy and Mama were fighting a lot.”

  Shit. “About me leaving?”

  She nodded against me. “And about his new job.”

  “Does Daddy have a new job?” I stroked her hair, then tugged so she’d sit up again. “Not at the garage?”

  She shrugged. I shouldn’t have expected her to know. I’d have to ask Elaine.

  “Why’d you move away?” Simone snuffled again.

  “Well…I thought it was time. With the new baby coming, you and Mama and Daddy and Max need more room in the house. And I always knew someday I’d have to move out. I couldn’t live in your basement forever.”

  “That’s what Cappy said.” She looked up at me with swollen eyes. “He said you had to move out because you wanted to be with other people. More than me and Max and Mama and Daddy?”

  “Just different, honey.”

  “Grown-up stuff.” She sounded disgusted.

  “Yeah. Grown-up stuff.”

  Simone fixed me with a stern look. “I know how babies are made, you know. Mama showed me a movie.”

  Again, I bit back laughter. “Oh, yeah?”

  “Are you having a baby, Tesla?”

  “Um. No. Not now, anyway.” I shook my head and cuddled her again. “But when your new baby arrives, I’ll come over and help your mom take care of it the way I did with you and Max.”

  Simone was silent for a few seconds. “It won’t be the same.”

  Not at all. “Things don’t always stay the same, punkin.”

  “I wish they did,” she said.

  At that moment, I did, too.

  I tucked her tight into bed and read her an old favorite, The Velveteen Rabbit, which put her to sleep within the first few pages. I kissed her forehead and listened for a few minutes to the even rise and fall of her breathing. I remembered Simone as an infant, just an hour after she was born. The weight of her. The heat. The way she’d opened her eyes to look into mine when I’d stroked the blond fuzz of her hair.

  This was love. I loved this little girl, and I loved her brother. I would love their new sibling, too, I knew. But she was right. It wouldn’t be the same. Nothing ever would.

  I found Elaine in her bedroom, propped against the headboard with a journal and a pen. She looked up when I knocked on the door frame, and gestured for me to come in. She put the pen and book aside.

  “Trying to get caught up,” she explained. “They grow so fast. Simone has so much stuff in her baby book, I don’t want Max to feel cheated. And as for number three, I guess I’ll be lucky if I remember to write down how much he weighs when he’s born. Or she.”

  “Can I see?”

  “Sure.” She handed me the hardbound book.

  I flipped through the pages. She’d written notes on first teeth, first steps. Taped in wisps of hair from first cuts. There were pictures, too, all of us looking so crazy young, though none of them were more than five years old. I studied one of me holding Simone, with Elaine and Vic on either side of me on the couch.

  I was crying again. This time it was Elaine who petted my hair as I cuddled next to her on the bed. She didn’t say anything, didn’t even shush me. She did hand me a tissue, but she didn’t wipe my face. I took care of that.

  “What’s going on?” she asked.

  “I miss you guys, that’s all.” I sat up and blew my nose.

  “Nothing’s stopping you from coming around, you know.”

  I choked out a laugh. “Uh, yeah, there is.”

  “Vic would get over it, Tesla.”

  “Simone said he h