Heartbreaker Read online

  They were the words of a lover, but she was shaking with cold. Roger was already crazy. How many times had he whispered love words to her only moments after a burst of rage, when she was stiff with terror, her body already aching from a blow? But then he’d be sorry that he’d hurt her, and he’d tell her over and over how much he loved her and couldn’t live without her.

  Her lips were so stiff that she could barely form the words. “Please leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you.”

  “You don’t mean that. You know I love you. No one has ever loved you as much as I do.”

  “I’m sorry,” she managed.

  “Why are you sorry?”

  “I’m not going to talk to you, Roger. I’m going to hang up.”

  “Why can’t you talk? Is someone there with you?”

  Her hand froze, unable to remove the receiver from her ear and drop it onto its cradle. Like a rabbit numbed by a snake’s hypnotic stare, she waited without breathing for what she knew was coming.

  “Michelle! Is someone there with you?”

  “No,” she whispered. “I’m alone.”

  “You’re lying! That’s why you won’t talk to me. Your lover is there with you, listening to every word you’re saying.”

  Helplessly she listened to the rage building in his voice, knowing nothing she said would stop it, but unable to keep herself from trying. “I promise you, I’m alone.”

  To her surprise he fell silent, though she could hear his quickened breath over the wire as clearly as if he were standing next to her. “All right, I’ll believe you. If you’ll come back to me, I’ll believe you.”

  “I can’t—”

  “There’s someone else, isn’t there? I always knew there was. I couldn’t catch you, but I always knew!”

  “No. There’s no one. I’m here all alone, working in Dad’s study.” She spoke quickly, closing her eyes at the lie. It was the literal truth, that she was alone, but it was still a lie. There had always been someone else deep in her heart, buried at the back of her mind.

  Suddenly his voice was shaking. “I couldn’t stand it if you loved someone else, darling. I just couldn’t. Swear to me that you’re alone.”

  “I swear it.” Desperation cut at her. “I’m completely alone, I swear!”

  “I love you,” Roger whispered, and hung up.

  Wildly she ran for the bathroom, where she retched until she was empty and her stomach muscles ached from heaving. She couldn’t take this again; she would have the phone number changed, keep it unlisted. Leaning against the basin, she wiped her face with a wet cloth and stared at her bloodless reflection in the mirror. She didn’t have the money to pay for having her number changed and taken off the listing.

  A shaky bubble of laughter escaped her trembling lips. The way things were going, the phone service would be disconnected soon because she couldn’t pay her bill. That would certainly take care of the problem; Roger couldn’t call if she didn’t have a telephone. Maybe being broke had some advantages, after all.

  She didn’t know what she’d do if Roger came down here personally to take her back to Philadelphia where she “belonged.” If she’d ever “belonged” any one place, it was here, because John was here. Maybe she couldn’t go to the symphony, or go skiing in Switzerland, or shopping in Paris. It didn’t matter now and hadn’t mattered then. All those things were nice, but unimportant. Paying bills was important. Taking care of the cattle was important.

  Roger was capable of anything. Part of him was so civilized that it was truly difficult to believe he could be violent. People who’d known him all his life thought he was one of the nicest men walking the face of the earth. And he could be, but there was another part of him that flew into insanely jealous rages.

  If he came down here, if she had to see him again…if he touched her in even the smallest way…she knew she couldn’t handle it.

  The last time had been the worst.

  His parents had been in Europe. Roger had accepted an invitation for them to attend a dinner party with a few of his business associates and clients. Michelle had been extremely careful all during the evening not to say or do anything that could be considered flirtatious, but it hadn’t been enough. On the way home, Roger had started the familiar catechism: She’d smiled a lot at Mr. So-and-So; had he propositioned her? He had, hadn’t he? Why didn’t she just admit it? He’d seen the looks passing between them.

  By the time they’d arrived home, Michelle had been braced to run, if necessary, but Roger had settled down in the den to brood. She’d gone to bed, so worn out from mingled tension and relief that she’d drifted to sleep almost immediately.

  Then, suddenly, the light had gone on and he’d been there, his face twisted with rage as he yelled at her. Terrified, screaming, stunned by being jerked from a sound sleep, she’d fought him when he jerked her half off the bed and began tearing at her nightgown, but she’d been helpless against him. He’d stripped the gown away and begun lashing at her with his belt, the buckle biting into her flesh again and again.

  By the time he’d quit, she had been covered with raw welts and a multitude of small, bleeding cuts from the buckle, and she’d screamed so much she could no longer make a sound. Her eyes had been almost swollen shut from crying. She could still remember the silence as he’d stood there by the bed, breathing hard as he looked down at her. Then he’d fallen on his knees, burying his face in her tangled hair. “I love you so much,” he’d said.

  That night, while he’d slept, she had crept out and taken a cab to a hospital emergency room. Two years had passed, but the small white scars were still visible on her back, buttocks and upper thighs. They would fade with time, becoming impossible to see, but the scar left on her mind by the sheer terror of that night hadn’t faded at all. The demons she feared all wore Roger’s face.

  But now she couldn’t run from him; she had no other place to go, no other place where she wanted to be. She was legally free of him now, and there was nothing he could do to make her return. Legally she could stop him from calling her. He was harassing her; she could get a court order prohibiting him from contacting her in any way.

  But she wouldn’t, unless he forced her to it. She opened her eyes and stared at herself again. Oh, it was classic. A counselor at the hospital had even talked with her about it. She didn’t want anyone to know her husband had abused her; it would be humiliating, as if it were somehow her fault. She didn’t want people to pity her, she didn’t want them to talk about her, and she especially didn’t want John to know. It was too ugly, and she felt ashamed.

  Suddenly she felt the walls closing in on her, stifling her. She had to get out and do something, or she might begin crying, and she didn’t want that to happen. If she started crying now, she wouldn’t be able to stop.

  She got in the old truck and drove around the pastures, looking at the new sections of fence John’s men had put up. They had finished and returned to their regular chores. Tomorrow they’d ride over on horseback and move the herd to this pasture with its high, thick growth of grass. The cattle could get their fill without walking so much, and they’d gain weight.

  As she neared the house again she noticed how high the grass and weeds had gotten in the yard. It was so bad she might need to move the herd to the yard to graze instead of to the pasture. Yard work had come in a poor second to all the other things that had needed doing, but now, thanks to John, she had both the time and energy to do something about it.

  She got out the lawn mower and pushed it up and down the yard, struggling to force it through the high grass. Little green mounds piled up in neat rows behind her. When that was finished, she took a knife from the kitchen and hacked down the weeds that had grown up next to the house. The physical activity acted like a sedative, blunting the edge of fear and finally abolishing it altogether. She didn’t have any reason to be afraid; Roger wasn’t going to do