Over the Moon Read online

  MINNIE

  It’s the politically correct term for “dead.”

  FEROCIA

  Excellent. And the girl?

  MICKEY

  Not quite as dead. The giant has her at the bears’ cave.

  FEROCIA

  You three know what must be done. . .?

  The mice salute and exit.

  EUNICE

  (gasps)

  Mama, Jack’s dead?

  GERTRUDE

  But that’s AWFUL!

  FEROCIA

  Of course it is, darlings. We’re heartbroken, aren’t we, Pinocchio?

  PINOCCHIO

  Oh yes.

  His nose grows.

  FEROCIA

  It’s perfectly normal to grieve.

  (beat, then briskly)

  All right, time to move on with our lives. . .come along, Pinocchio.

  They exit, leave the girls alone.

  EUNICE

  Why would Mama want Jack dead?

  GERTRUDE

  I don’t get it.

  EUNICE

  There’s lots about Mama I don’t understand.

  SONG 19: IF MAMA WERE NORMAL

  GERTRUDE & EUNICE:

  Some kids never travel by broom.

  They have a station wagon.

  Some kids get a puppy to love,

  not a fiery dragon.

  They’ve got a playroom to hold all their toys

  instead of a dungeon that’s cold.

  Wouldn’t that be quite a sight to behold

  if only

  Mama were normal.

  GERTRUDE:

  I bring a boy home and constantly fear

  he’ll get turned into a toad.

  EUNICE:

  Sometimes it seems that my whole life

  is a Buffy episode.

  BOTH:

  When baking cookies, you don’t have to add

  poison right into the mix.

  What will come next from her bag of tricks?

  If only

  Mama were normal.

  BRIDGE

  To get an allowance, we have to tuck

  each flying monkey in bed.

  June Cleaver, please,

  We’re down on our knees,

  could you adopt us instead!?

  Some kids vacation to beaches with sun,

  Not Guantanamo Bay.

  Some kids never learn magical spells.

  Instead they take ballet.

  Some parents don’t set the school roof on fire

  during the class show-and-tell.

  I really think it would be pretty swell

  if only

  Mama were normal.

  If only

  FEROCIA

  Girls, have you finished cleaning the torture chamber?

  GIRLS

  Yes, Mama.

  Mama were normal.

  EUNICE (CONT’D)

  We might be too late to save Jack -- but we’re not too late to save Felicity.

  GERTRUDE

  We don’t know where the giant lives.

  Pinocchio walks in.

  EUNICE

  But he does.

  GERTRUDE

  Pinocchio, you know where Felicity is. We heard you.

  PINOCCHIO

  Gee, look at the time. . .

  EUNICE

  If you don’t spill, Pinocchio, you won’t just NEED crutches. . .you’ll BE crutches.

  PINOCCHIO

  You sure are your mother’s daughters.

  (beat)

  This way. . .

  SCENE 8: A meadow with cottage

  DURING SCENE CHANGE:

  NEWSBOY

  Country home vandalized! Blonde arrested for breaking and entering!

  Goldilocks rushes across stage, laughing maniacally and brandishing stolen loot.

  The Hairy Godmother and Luna drag Prince Jack’s body in front of Cinderella’s cottage.

  HAIRY GODMOTHER

  Good luck, sister!

  Luna knocks on the door.

  LUNA

  Hello! Hello? Can someone help me?

  Sleeping Beauty opens the door.

  SLEEPING BEAUTY

  Is it naptime already?!

  She curls up next to Jack’s body. Cinderella comes outside holding a pumpkin. Snow White and Grumpy and Sneezy hover at the doorway.

  CINDERELLA

  He’s not asleep. He’s dead.

  GRUMPY & SNEEZY

  DEAD!?!

  SNOW WHITE

  (with Grumpy and Sneezy)

  Hello, there are CHILDREN present!

  (MORE)

  SNOW WHITE (CONT’D)

  They don’t even know what happened to Bambi’s mother. We fast-forward.

  LUNA

  There must be something you can do!

  CINDERELLA

  Maybe Sleeping Beauty is right.

  LUNA

  What do you mean?

  SNOW WHITE

  Well, dead in a fairy tale isn’t 100% dead.

  SLEEPING BEAUTY

  (yawning)

  Yeah, it’s not like AIG dead.

  SNOW WHITE

  Or Bush Administration dead.

  CINDERELLA

  Or Britney-Spears’s-career dead.

  (beat)

  Sometimes you get a second chance.

  SNOW WHITE

  True love’s kiss worked for each of us. Why wouldn’t it work for him?

  LUNA

  His true love was stolen by the giant. How am I supposed to find her?

  CINDERELLA

  Prince Charming plays poker with the giant’s butler, Jean-Claude. I can get you there.

  (MORE)

  CINDERELLA (CONT’D)

  (beat)

  Not that I want to endorse the archetypical I-need-to-be-saved-in-order-to-get-a-happy-ending idea.

  SLEEPING BEAUTY

  But this time around, it’s the prince who needs saving!

  SNOW WHITE

  And besides -- this is always the best part of the story. Are you sure you want him resurrected, though?

  SLEEPING BEAUTY

  He might snore.

  CINDERELLA

  Or be a total pig.

  LUNA

  But you don’t love someone because they’re perfect. You love them even if they’re not.

  SLEEPING BEAUTY

  Oh my gosh. You’re right.

  (calls offstage)

  Honey? Wanna go rent a Disney movie?

  SNOW WHITE

  (calls offstage)

  Sweetie? Wanna change Bashful’s diaper?

  CINDERELLA

  Baby? Wanna take a ride. . .

  (she lifts the top off the pumpkin she is holding)

  . . .In the convertible?

  They all start to rush offstage till Luna calls.

  LUNA

  Could you take me to the giant’s cave before you go out on your dates?

  SNOW WHITE

  Oh, right.

  SLEEPING BEAUTY

  Let’s make it fast, girls.

  CINDERELLA

  Totally. I need to be back before the stroke of midnight.

  They exit with Jack’s body.

  SCENE 9: On the apron of the stage

  FEROCIA

  Pinocchio? Pinocchio. PINOCCHIO!

  Spies a note and reads it aloud.

  FEROCIA (CONT’D)

  Dear Your Majesty, sorry I’m not here. I had tickets to a Jonas Brothers concert. Love, Pinocchio. PS Don’t kill me.

  (beat)

  Must I do everything myself?

  Grabs sword and stalks off.

  SCENE 10: The bear cave

  Eunice, Gertrude, and Pinocchio are in the lair.

  JEAN-CLAUDE

  Why should we trust anyone who works for or is related to Ferocia?

  GERTRUDE

  Because we’re pretty?

  PINOCCHIO

  What have you got to lose?

  BABY BEAR