Over the Moon Read online

  CINDERELLA

  (to Felicity)

  Girl, if you know what’s good for you,

  (MORE)

  CINDERELLA (CONT’D)

  you’ll make sure you’re never close enough for Prince Jack to even THINK the word “MARRIAGE.”

  FELICITY

  Oh, the last thing he’d ever want is --

  CINDERELLA

  A free maid?

  SNOW WHITE

  A free nanny?

  SLEEPING BEAUTY

  A free. . .

  Sleeping Beauty sways on her feet, eyes closed, and snores. As she topples sideways Felicity catches her, and she wakes.

  SONG 7: HAPPILY NEVER AFTER

  CINDERELLA:

  When traveling by pumpkin,

  your dress smells like a squash.

  And no one likes a twelve o’clock curfew.

  Who needs glass slippers, give me Jimmy Choo.

  Prince Charming leaves his stockings on the ground,

  and never puts the toilet seat back down.

  That wavy head of hair? Guess what, it’s a toupee!

  I’ll take happily never after any day.

  SNOW WHITE:

  They’re whiny. They’re cranky.

  They’re always underfoot.

  They leave a trail of carnage through the house.

  I’m not talkin’ seven dwarfs, just one grown spouse.

  I said “I do” but didn’t know the terms meant diaper rash and rhinovirus germs.

  I wanted true love’s kiss; I wound up with child’s play.

  I’ll take happily never after any day.

  SLEEPING BEAUTY:

  I needed some coffee,

  a clock with an alarm.

  I got a guy to wake me up instead,

  a guy who snores all night when we’re in bed.

  He doesn’t see I need a good night’s rest.

  Some NyQuil or some Ambien works best.

  Give me beauty sleep, not fancy lingerie.

  I’ll take happily never after any day!

  ALL:

  Thought a prince would save me,

  set me on a throne.

  No one ever told me

  that I could do it alone!

  The fairy tale’s over.

  It’s never what you’d think.

  I spend a lot of time wondering why

  a girl needs to be rescued by some guy.

  I wish I knew back then what I know now.

  Each princess ought to take a solemn vow.

  Before some royal pain becomes your fiancé,

  take happily never after any day.

  Happily never after any day!

  SCENE 8: The Enchanted Forest

  DURING SCENE CHANGE:

  NEWSBOY

  Breaking news! Two water carriers hospitalized in critical condition after a fall at local well!

  Two TREES are standing there.

  TREE 1

  You wanna go swimming?

  TREE 2

  Nah. I’ve only got one pair of trunks.

  (beat)

  How about a game of checkers instead?

  TREE 1

  No thanks. I’m a chestnut.

  TREE 2

  Shhhh. I think I hear someone coming.

  Luna enters in her boy’s costume. She pulls off her cap and shakes her long hair free. Then she peeks into her bag, and the light of the moon starts to glow.

  LUNA

  I don’t know how long I can keep up this disguise.

  TREE 1

  Might help to put your hat back on.

  LUNA

  (gasps)

  Did you. . .did you just talk?

  TREE 2

  (gasps)

  Holy cow!! A talking tree!

  LUNA

  Trees don’t talk.

  TREE 1

  And moons don’t run around pretending to be human.

  TREE 2

  Relax. Your secret’s safe with us. Our bite is much worse than our bark.

  TREE 1

  Hey, if you tell a joke in a forest and no one laughs, is it still a joke?

  LUNA

  I think I hear footsteps.

  She hides behind one of the trees as Prince Jack enters.

  PRINCE JACK

  Felicity must think I’m an idiot.

  TREE 1

  Can you blame her?

  LUNA

  SHHH! He’ll hear you!

  Jack listens, frowning. The trees fall silent and stop moving.

  PRINCE JACK

  Great. Now I’m not just losing the girl -- I’m losing my mind. At this rate, I’ll never get married.

  LUNA

  That’s not true!

  Shocked, she covers her mouth with her hand.

  PRINCE JACK

  Is someone there?

  The trees try to push Luna forward. She resists, but they’re stronger and she tumbles backward -- into the prince’s arms.

  PRINCE JACK (CONT’D)

  You!? Why, hello.

  LUNA

  (smitten)

  Hi. . .

  PRINCE JACK

  We must stop bumping into each other.

  LUNA

  I’m. . .sorry.

  PRINCE JACK

  Not your fault. It’s not like the trees pushed you, right?

  Behind them, the trees high-five.

  PRINCE JACK (CONT’D)

  Here, let me take your sack. It looks awfully heavy.

  LUNA

  No!! I mean, no, thank you. I’m stronger than I look.

  PRINCE JACK

  I remember being a boy your age, and saying that very same thing. What’s your name?

  LUNA

  Lu. . .Leo.

  PRINCE JACK

  Leo! It’s a pleasure to meet you.

  LUNA

  I couldn’t help but hear you saying that you were. . .unlucky in love.

  PRINCE JACK

  Yeah, well, that’s true.

  LUNA

  I could help you.

  PRINCE JACK

  You? You’re just a kid!

  LUNA

  But. . .I’m a very good listener.

  SONG 8: PERFECT COUPLE

  JACK:

  When you think of history,

  there are certain names you link,

  loves that last forever,

  couples who stayed in sync.

  JFK and Jackie,

  Superman and Lois Lane,

  Lancelot and Guinevere,

  and Tarzan and Jane.

  CHORUS:

  A couple of kisses,

  a couple of dates,

  a couple of whispers, a couple soul mates.

  If only I knew how to make her agree

  how perfect a couple we’d be.

  George Burns and his Gracie,

  Romeo and Juliet,

  Hepburn and her Tracy,

  Scarlett, she fell for Rhett.

  Lady and the Tramp,

  Humphrey Bogart and Bacall.

  Where would Ricky Ricardo be

  without Lucille Ball?

  CHORUS:

  A couple of kisses,

  a couple of dates,

  a couple of whispers,

  a couple soul mates.

  If only I knew how to make her agree

  how perfect a couple we’d be.

  PRINCE JACK

  If I could get her to listen to me, I’d say this one thing: We could be Mark Antony and Cleopatra, but without the part at the end where everyone dies. Or Barbie and Ken, but with a healthier body image. Or Donald and Daisy, except I’d be wearing pants.

  (frustrated)

  Oh, well, you know what I mean, right? I love you!

  Mickey without Minnie

  is just wrong, to say the least.

  What’s Bert without Ernie,

  Beauty without the Beast?

  Siegfried needs his Roy.

  Who is Bonnie without Clyde?

  Where would Homer