Over the Moon Read online

I guess you’d know. A guy as romantic as you must have a girlfriend.

  LUNA

  Oh, um. . .well. . .

  PRINCE JACK

  What’s she like?

  LUNA

  Well, uh, she’s. . .

  (looks at Jack)

  About this tall.

  (measures Jack’s height. As she talks, her light starts glowing)

  She’s got dark hair. . .and brown eyes you could drown in. . .and big strong arms that can bench-press an ox. . .

  PRINCE JACK

  Bench-press an ox?

  LUNA

  (flustered, light fading)

  Um. . .she’s the women’s wrestling champ in my village.

  PRINCE JACK

  She sounds great.

  (beat)

  Want me to carry your bag for a while? We’ve been walking for a long time.

  LUNA

  Oh! No, thanks, I’ve got it.

  PRINCE JACK

  What’s in there, anyway?

  LUNA

  Just a few essentials. Toothpaste. Tylenol. Whoopie cushion.

  PRINCE JACK

  You’re hiding something. Let me see.

  He reaches for the sack but Luna wrenches it away as it glows for a moment. Jack reels backward, bumping into THREE BLIND MICE wearing sunglasses who’ve stumbled onto the stage.

  MICKEY

  Hey! Watch where you’re going.

  PRINCE JACK

  I beg your pardon!

  (beat)

  Can you help me? I’m looking for a beautiful lady, who may have been attacked by a giant in these woods.

  MINNIE

  Have you seen her lately?

  PRINCE JACK

  No.

  ALGERNON

  Neither have we!!

  They all laugh.

  LUNA

  You must be the three blind mice.

  ALGERNON

  Hickory Dickory Dock, the mouse ran up the clock. . .the clock struck one, but the rest of us got away with minor eye injuries.

  MICKEY

  We’re the three visually challenged mice, if you don’t mind.

  ALGERNON

  I prefer “optically darker.”

  MINNIE

  Or “photonically non-receptive.”

  PRINCE JACK

  Frankly, I think this political correctness has gotten out of hand.

  SONG 17: THE PC SONG

  MICKEY, MINNIE & ALGERNON:

  INTRO:

  The world has changed -- these days

  you might find yourself in trouble

  to call a spade a spade,

  when it would rather be a shovel.

  I don’t know how it happened, but frankly I suspect

  we’ve gone too far to make ourselves politically correct.

  Red Riding Hood’s the one to blame for her incessant whining.

  The Big Bad Wolf was simply fond of inter-species dining.

  “What big teeth you have,” Red said, according to the fable.

  Should have said the wolf was orthodontically able.

  Come across three little pigs that you would like to greet.

  Refer to them instead as the Other White Meat.

  Mother Hubbard now is chronologically gifted.

  Seven dwarfs insist they’re only vertically unlifted.

  A hurricane’s a himmacane.

  A heroine’s a hero.

  A name can be a judgment call,

  so make sure that you’re clear, oh.

  It’s always hard to find a word

  on which we all agree.

  Don’t offend ’cause that’s the trend,

  Or else we’re not PC.

  Now we know that Cinderella just misunderstood.

  The evil stepmother has potential to be good.

  She’s not the only villain who’s been unfairly cursed.

  Those ugly stepsisters were cosmetically diverse.

  Jack Sprat’s wife was never fat, just differently weighted.

  Sleeping Beauty’s certain she was medically sedated.

  Amphibian American’s the new term for Frog Prince.

  And Goldilocks, she’s not a blonde, her hair just sometimes glints.

  A hurricane’s a himmacane.

  A heroine’s a hero.

  A name can be a judgment call,

  so make sure that you’re clear, oh.

  It’s always hard to find a word

  on which we all agree.

  Don’t offend ’cause that’s the trend,

  or else we’re not PC.

  (SLOW):

  No one ever argues, instead we all can share.

  No one’s ever bald, they’re follically impaired. . .

  If you want to tell yourself we live in harmony,

  don’t offend, ’cause that’s the trend.

  Make yourself PC.

  Make yourself PC.

  MICKEY

  We haven’t seen that girl of yours, but we’ll keep an eye out.

  ALGERNON

  Metaphorically speaking, of course.

  MINNIE

  Hey, kid, what’s in the bag?

  Luna’s light glows, and fades.

  LUNA

  Come on, Jack. We better keep going.

  They exit -- and the mice whip off their sunglasses and take out walkie-talkies.

  MINNIE

  This is Special Agent Cheddar. Do you read me, Pussycat?

  Pinocchio and Ferocia appear on the side of the stage.

  PINOCCHIO

  Your majesty, it’s the secure line.

  His nose grows, and he takes out a second phone from his pocket and listens in.

  FEROCIA

  Pussycat here. What have you got for me, Agent Cheddar?

  MINNIE

  The prince is on the move. I repeat, on the move. The Mousetrap has failed.

  They exit.

  FEROCIA

  (hanging up)

  Pinocchio, this calls for a disguise.

  I need to look like an old hag.

  (holds up her palm)

  DON’T say it.

  Pinocchio helps her dress as an old hag.

  FEROCIA (CONT’D)

  All I have to do is offer him something completely irresistible. . .a magical parking pass.

  (She brandishes it)

  One which just also happens to be poisoned.

  Luna and Jack reappear. On the side of the stage, Hairy Godmother enters and starts doing her nails.

  TREE 1

  I don’t feel good about this.

  TREE 2

  Me neither. I’m petrified.

  LUNA

  Maybe we should go back. . .

  PRINCE JACK

  We can’t. Felicity is still out there.

  An old woman appears (Ferocia), carrying a huge bag.

  FEROCIA

  Oh, my. I’m an old woman who’s weary and needs a moment of rest and who looks nothing at all like your auntie.

  PRINCE JACK

  Why, let me help you.

  He takes her arm. Luna pulls him away.

  LUNA

  Your highness, I don’t trust her.

  PRINCE JACK

  Leo, don’t be paranoid! This nice lady probably lost her way!

  FEROCIA

  Oh, that’s right. I know I have a bus schedule somewhere.

  (rummages through bag and pulls out pass)

  Why, look at what I found. A parking pass for a magical spot that appears anytime you need it on Main Street!

  Prince Jack’s head snaps forward. He is bewitched.

  PRINCE JACK

  Me likeeeeee. . .

  LUNA

  Don’t fall for it, Jack!

  FEROCIA

  Even at noontime!

  As Jack snatches it out of Ferocia’s hand, Luna cries out. Ferocia runs off as Jack begins to contort and groan.

  PRINCE JACK

  It’s. . .EXPIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!

  He dies.

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