Over the Moon Read online

  What was I SUPPOSED to do? He always thought he was soooo big and important. Larger than life. I just. . .accentuated that.

  (beat)

  Besides, the citizens don’t know what I did to my brother. They trust me to keep them safe!

  PINOCCHIO

  They said the same thing about Bernie Madoff.

  FEROCIA

  We’ve got something else to worry about. For years I’ve selflessly given my nephew a home, but now that he’s eighteen, he can take this kingdom from me once he’s married. This kingdom I’ve built with terror and fear. . .Oh, Pinocchio.

  (sighs)

  It’s not easy being mean.

  SONG 5: QUEEN OF MEAN

  FEROCIA:

  When I was a girl not so long ago,

  my brother and I had a spat.

  My mother advised,

  I apologized,

  and then I set fire to his favorite cat.

  They thought I would outgrow my nasty tricks,

  But I went from evil to worse.

  I cheat, and I lie. I make people cry.

  Honey, it’s true: bad girls finish first.

  I’m a downpour at a wedding.

  I’m the flu without the vaccine.

  Attila the Hun

  seems awfully fun

  compared to the Queen of Mean.

  If you’re thirsty in the desert,

  You can bet that I’m a saltine.

  Cruella De Vil

  was run-of-the-mill

  compared to the Queen of Mean.

  Some say I took my brother’s kingdom.

  I rather prefer the word “STOLE.”

  That crash that he had?

  Well, golly, my bad!

  But world domination’s a lofty goal.

  The citizens may never love me,

  But I can still rule them with fear.

  They’ll do as I say,

  or maybe one day,

  It’s possible that they might disappear.

  I’m a rip along your nylons.

  I’m a one-woman mujahideen.

  Mussolini

  was a weenie

  compared to the Queen of Mean.

  I’m the sip of milk that’s sour.

  I’m a platter of lima beans.

  George Bush is a saint

  who showed great restraint

  compared to the Queen of Mean,

  The Queen of (makes sassy face) Mean!

  REPRISE:

  My costume always sells out

  each and every Halloween.

  I bite and I bark.

  I’ve mastered my snark

  because I’m the Queen of Mean,

  The Queen of (kicks Pinocchio) MEAN!!!!

  Jack and Eunice and Gertrude enter, still bickering.

  FEROCIA (CONT’D)

  Hello, my beautiful darlings.

  PRINCE JACK

  Pinocchio, do I have any messages?

  PINOCCHIO

  Yes: you could lose 30 pounds with the Oprah Diet Berry Shake. And the widow of a Nigerian tycoon needs you to get the millions of dollars that rightfully belong to her.

  PRINCE JACK

  Nothing from Felicity?

  GERTRUDE

  As IF, Jack.

  EUNICE

  You LOOK at a girl and break out in hives. . .

  PRINCE JACK

  That was an allergic reaction to pollen. . .

  GERTRUDE

  In DECEMBER?

  FEROCIA

  Honestly, Jack, dear, if you’re lonely, I can fix you up. . .

  PRINCE JACK

  No offense, Aunt Ferocia, but that didn’t work out so well last time.

  FEROCIA

  You shouldn’t have taken her target shooting!

  PRINCE JACK

  You should have told me my blind date was actually BLIND!

  EUNICE

  Jack’s in love with Felicity.

  PINOCCHIO

  HOO-ah!!! She’s the kind of girl who makes me glad I’m a real boy.

  GERTRUDE

  But every time he’s near her, he blubbers.

  PINOCCHIO

  (panicked)

  BLUBBERS? Is there a WHALE around?

  PRINCE JACK

  I don’t actually blubber.

  (beat)

  I don’t say ANYTHING.

  (to Ferocia)

  I wish my dad was still here, so I could talk to him.

  FEROCIA

  Don’t we all.

  PRINCE JACK

  I bet we’d do father-son stuff.

  Like fishing. Tossing a ball around.

  PINOCCHIO

  (dreamily)

  Rubbing my back with a belt sander. . .

  (beat)

  Oh. Maybe that was just MY dad. . .

  FEROCIA

  Jack, your father would say to let Felicity see the real you!

  PRINCE JACK

  You. . .you really think so? (hugs her)

  Thanks, Aunt Ferocia. What would I do without you?

  He runs off.

  FEROCIA

  I’m hoping you’ll never find out. MUAAAHHAHAHAHA!

  SCENE 7: A meadow with cottage

  DURING SCENE CHANGE, Newsboy crosses stage:

  NEWSBOY

  Extra! Extra! Search for the gingerbread man’s missing body continues. . .He was last seen running fast as he could. . .

  Felicity sits on a rock, reading PRINCESS BEHAVIOR FOR DUMMIES and drinking a Coke. A cottage is in the background.

  FELICITY

  How hard could this possibly be? I taught myself multivariable calculus, and when the carburetor on my Mustang died, I fixed it myself.

  (beat)

  Chapter 1: How to Act Like a Princess.

  (reads)

  A princess never troubles her brain with something as complex as multivariable calculus, or soils her hands with auto repair works.

  (to audience)

  Uh-oh.

  (reads)

  To the contrary, a princess is admired by everyone around her. She is kind and well-groomed.

  (She sniffs her armpit)

  So far so good!

  (reads)

  A princess must never stoop to chat with dragons.

  (to audience, heartened)

  I don’t even SPEAK dragon!

  (reads)

  A princess must have a dainty walk.

  (trips and falls)

  Above all else, a princess must have impeccable. . .

  (LOUD BURP)

  Manners.

  (sighs)

  Who am I kidding? Sure, I look like princess material. But it’s only a matter of time before everyone realizes I’d rather go out hunting for ogres and four-wheeling than doing needlepoint in an ivory tower. The last thing I need is a guy who wants the kind of girl who only exists in fairy tales.

  SONG 6: A GIRL LIKE ME

  FELICITY:

  Act like a lady.

  Never use your mind.

  Don’t interrupt.

  Always be kind.

  Live your life as long as it’s confined.

  Beauty is a virtue,

  but I must confess

  underneath this pretty face,

  I am still a mess.

  Where’s the guy who wants a girl like me?

  I prefer a hiking boot

  to any dancing shoe.

  I can climb the Matterhorn

  Or dabble in kung fu.

  I can hawk a loogie

  And use a power tool,

  But I’ll never graduate from finishing school.

  Why does growing up mean I can’t have fun?

  I will tell myself there’s got to be someone

  whose happy endings match mine perfectly,

  the kind of guy who wants a girl like me.

  I may look the part,

  But I’m no perfect lass.

  I can belch the loudest.

  Sometimes I have gas.

  If I had the cho