A Very Dirty Christmas Read online

  "Well, at least your sarcasm is still intact," Caulter says, shrugging out of his tuxedo jacket and putting it over my shoulders.

  "I'll grab you a bag," Libby says. "I'll get all of your stuff. Do you know where the hospital is?"

  A fresh wave of panic washes over me. Where is the closest hospital?

  We're on our way toward the sleighs, when my father, Rose, and Bailey rush up behind us, stopping us in our tracks.

  "What's going on?" my father asks. "Are you okay?"

  "She's having the baby," Libby blurts.

  "You're not due yet," Rose says.

  "I know!" I yell. "I'm not sure I'm having it. I might be…uh…peeing on myself."

  "You are not peeing on yourself," Libby says, "Unless you're a camel holding gallons of pee."

  "I texted our doctor," Caulter says. "He's going to call back. We'll fly him up here to deliver the baby."

  "Doctors do that?" Bailey asks.

  "Our obstetrician is not going to just fly out here," I say, my voice rising. "And the airports are probably closed."

  "Are any of the guests obstetricians?" Libby asks. "I'm sure there's a doctor here."

  "There's no doctor here with drugs," I screech. "I want all of the drugs."

  "And the baby is premature," Rose says. "It's important she get to the hospital. There's one a few miles away. It's probably only ten minutes by sleigh."

  "Calm down," my father interrupts, and I almost lose it right there.

  "Calm down?" I squeal. "A monkey ate our wedding rings and then scared an old woman practically to death while he tried to pick nits out of her hat; some crazy girl Caulter hooked up with years ago had to be physically removed from the wedding; and my water broke in the middle of the whole thing. And we're here in the middle of a blizzard. I think I'm actually pretty calm, all things considering."

  Caulter takes my face in his hands. "Look," he says. "We need to get in a sleigh and get to the hospital."

  "I should go change or something," I say. "I can't show up in a wedding dress." Then my back starts to hurt, tightening as pain rushes through me.

  "That's back labor, honey," Rose says, as I inhale sharply. "And the baby is premature. Go with Caulter in a sleigh."

  "And me," my father says. "I'm going too."

  "So am I," Ella says.

  "Are you hungry?" Rose asks, then waves her hand. "You will be. I'll smuggle food in for you. Hospital food is just…ugh. Bailey and Libby and I will meet you there."

  Before I can protest the entourage of people accompanying me to the hospital, I'm being whisked to the sleigh, my back cramping so badly that I dig my fingers into Caulter's arm. "This is going to be really embarrassing when we show up to the emergency room and they tell you I've just been peeing on myself!"

  "Princess," Caulter says. "If they tell you it's pee, this is going to be a hilarious story."

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Caulter

  "Everything's okay?" I ask. Adrenaline pumps through my body, my hands in fists at my side. I've never been so fucking nervous about anything in my life. If anything happened to Kate or the baby…I can't even think about it. "Kate is okay? The baby is okay?"

  "Everything looks fine." The obstetrician looks at the monitor beside the bed. "She's in the right position, and –"

  "She?" Kate and I ask, at the same time.

  "It's a girl," the doctor says. "Did I reveal the secret? Well, you'd have known in the next thirty minutes, anyway."

  "It's a girl!" Kate says, smiling at me, her eyes teary.

  "A girl!" I feel a lump forming in my throat.

  "Are you ready to push?" the doctor asks.

  "Now?" Kate squeals. "Like, now now?"

  "Why do you think I'm here?" the doctor asks. "She's not going to stay inside. Since you've had an epidural, you're not going to feel much, so I need you to concentrate on pushing when I tell you to push."

  Kate grabs my hand and motions me close to her. “Caulter, I –“

  I squeeze her hand. “I know,” I say. “I love you too.”

  “No, I mean—yeah, sure, I love you too,” she says. “But I was going to say something else.”

  “What?” I ask. I’m waiting for her to say something poignant. Instead, she gives me a stern look, and as serious as I’ve ever heard her, says:

  “Do not look below my waist.”

  “Shit, Kate,” I say, laughing.

  “I mean it, Caulter," she says. "There's no going back, once you've seen it down there. Promise me."

  "Fine," I say, sighing. "I won't be squatting down south of your waist."

  I'm nervous and excited all at once. Shit, I've never been so nervous. I hold Kate's hand through the delivery, silently praying nothing goes wrong.

  When the doctor speaks – "Congratulations! It's a girl!" -- I breathe a sigh of relief.

  Then I see her. Our baby. And everything is a blur -- cutting the umbilical cord, Kate sobbing as she holds our child -- and hell, I'm not ashamed to admit there are tears in my eyes.

  Our baby.

  "I want to call her Anne. After my mom," Kate says, and I choke up again.

  "That's good, Kate. Really, really good."

  The doctor says Kate and Anne look healthy. Even though Anne was born five weeks early, technically premature, she's over six pounds and breathing just fine. Everything is good.

  Scratch that.

  Everything is fucking great. When I hold Anne in my arms, my heart feels full to the point of bursting. She's so little and the cutest thing I've ever seen.

  I love Kate, but this is a whole different kind of love. It's instantaneous and powerful.

  And I'm responsible for her. We're responsible for her.

  Holy shit.

  Thirty minutes later, Anne is asleep on Kate's chest, content and warm, when our hospital room becomes total chaos as the Senator, Ella, Rose, Bailey, and Libby arrive, a giant collection of "oohs" and "ahhs" and hushed warnings to each other "be quiet or you're going to wake up the baby, damn it!"

  I look around, back and forth from Kate and Anne to everyone gathered around the hospital bed, laughing and talking. Kate is radiant as she holds our child. Outside the window, snow continues to fall heavily, and I think there’s no place on earth that’s filled with so much love as this place right now.

  “Caulter,” Kate says, through the commotion. “I still want to get married.”

  “Oh honey, the minister went home,” Rose tells her.

  “We can still do it,” I say.

  “You don’t want to just redo the ceremony?” Ella asks. “We could do it again.”

  Kate laughs. “I’m happy right here,” she says. “It was a lovely wedding, though, Ella.”

  “It was,” the Senator says, and Ella smiles as Libby and Bailey burst into giggles.

  “It wasn’t,” Ella admits, laughing. “It was ridiculous. It was a total catastrophe.”

  Then everyone is laughing and Kate is shaking as she giggles, trying not to wake the baby. “It was exactly what should have happened,” Kate says.

  “We’ll have a great story to tell Anne about her birthday,” I say.

  “This is her birthday story,” Kate says. “And it’s perfect.”

  “Hang on,” I tell her. “I’ll be back.”

  “Where are you going?” Kate yells.

  “To find a minister!” I call.

  And, as luck would have it, I find one almost immediately. In fact, I run into him in the hallway.

  Literally.

  I run right into Santa Claus.

  He was stranded overnight because of the storm after visiting kids on the pediatric ward.

  “Sorry!” I say, the words rushing from my mouth. “I’m trying to find a minister. We just had a baby. We're getting married. I mean, we tried to get married today but it got all messed up. And we had a baby. Shit, did I say that already?"

  “Ah, well, hell,” he says. “You found the right guy.”

  "Huh?"