A Very Dirty Christmas Read online

  "Libby is a lucky girl!" Janet calls out.

  We play three more rounds before Linda The Sex Toy Goddess thinks we're sufficiently warmed up to move on to talking about the sex toys. For the next two hours, we pass around samples of every sex toy imaginable, including some I didn't even realize existed.

  "Is this what I think it is?" I ask, holding a cylindrical object with what looks like a mouth in an "O" position on the end.

  "That's in case you get sick of giving Caulter blow jobs," Bailey says loudly.

  I furrow my brow, passing it to Andrea, sitting beside me.

  "Yeah, that's not a problem," I say, picturing him standing in front of me, the head of his cock against my tongue, my hand wrapped around the base of his huge dick.

  Get sick of having Caulter's cock in my mouth? I don’t think so.

  Several of the girls whoop. "Caulter must have a big one," Janet says.

  "I don't like them big," April muses, and one of my other bridesmaids elbows her.

  "What's wrong with you?" Andrea asks.

  "I don't! It's like that saying, it's not the size that counts? Right?"

  "That's just what you say to guys with small dicks," Hailey chimes in.

  "No, I swear, I'm perfectly happy with a small one," April says.

  "You should hook up with my ex-boyfriend Greg, then," Hailey says. "He's definitely about the right size. I'll give you his number."

  "Ladies," Linda The Sex Toy Goddess interrupts. "The next set of toys I'll pass around are for anal play."

  "Anal play," April says, her face turning bright red. "Nothing's going up my butt, thanks."

  "I love it in the ass," Andrea says. "Seriously, if you haven't done it, you don't know what you're missing."

  "She's right," Janet says as she scrutinizes a pink butt plug like it’s a diamond. "It makes everything more intense."

  “I like it,” I say softly.

  “Then you need to buy these,” Andrea says, tossing a vibrating butt plug at me with one hand, while she waves a cocktail glass in the other.

  “But you’re pregnant!” April says, her face ashen.

  “So?” Janet says. “I did it all the time during the third trimester during my last pregnancy. Jason said it was better for the baby."

  "Better for the baby?" Bailey says, snorting loudly. "Yeah, I think Jason just wanted to stick his dick in your ass."

  "No, I swear it is!" Janet insists. "Because you're not poking around the cervix."

  "Pfft," Bailey spits out her drink. "I'm pretty sure regular sex is fine during pregnancy too."

  “She’s right about the cervix thing, though. At least, that’s what Caulter claims, too,” I say, laughing.

  “I’ll take one of those butt plugs,” Libby says, winking at Bailey.

  "I'm so getting lucky tonight," Bailey says, laughing. Then she looks at me. "What’s Caulter doing for his bachelor party?"

  I shrug. "No idea. He’s probably motor boating a stripper right now. He texted me earlier that he luffs me," I say, holding up my phone to a cacophony of "awes."

  "Who knew that Caulter Sterling would be such a doting finance?" Sara asks.

  I laugh. Sara was my roommate at Brighton. She remembers Caulter the way he arrived at Brighton Academy -- a rebel against everything, angry at the world, and eager to get between the legs of any hot girl who threw herself at him. Which happened a lot. "He's doting in his own way," I say.

  A way that involves hiding my panties even now, and calling me Princess when he comes on me, and breaking my bed in my father's house because he's fucking me so hard.

  I guess that can be considered doting. Right?

  "I'm sure he'll come home tomorrow covered in stripper glitter, sporting a tattoo he regrets,” I say.

  "Speaking of glitter," Linda The Sex Toy Goddess says, "here's your very own edible glitter body dust."

  "Glitter!" Libby says. "I'm sold."

  One glow-in-the-dark butt plug that vibrates, three kinds of flavored lube, a dildo, a new vibrator, and a pair of handcuffs later, I'm ready for my honeymoon.

  But, not before we play a relay race, which involves passing a giant dildo down the line of girls standing beside me, using no hands.

  Somehow I even manage to stay awake past ten p.m., before crawling sleepily into one of the hotel suite beds, listening to the laughter of my friends in the suite.

  And I sleep until ten in the morning, which about now is a freaking holiday miracle. I don’t even get up a hundred times during the night to pee!

  It’s not until I've tiptoed to the bathroom, past the snoring bodies of my hung-over bridesmaids, and brushed my teeth that I come back to bed and open my phone.

  I don’t recognize the phone number attached to the text message. It's just a link to a gossip website and a message that repeats the headline on the website:

  Oh my. Is that former bad boy, soon-to-be-married Caulter Sterling with a very hot, very not-his-fiancé girl draped all over his arm? Looks like they were cozy at the Celtics game last night. Does a leopard change his spots? Or is it once a bad boy, always a bad boy? Comment below, readers.

  I read the comments, my heart sinking, even though I know I shouldn’t. Readers are overwhelmingly certain that Caulter Sterling is definitely still a bad boy.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Caulter

  My head is pounding as the limo returns me to the lake house, even though I was by no means wasted last night. I'm too old to drink malt liquor, I think, shaking my head. Hell, I never even drank that shit when I was a teenager.

  I text Kate for the third time this morning. She hasn't responded to any of my messages, which is unusual for her.

  Out too late last night? Hope you got a private lap dance.

  If you didn't, I'd be happy to give you one...in five minutes.

  In case I wasn’t clear…I want to put my dick in your face.

  I'm walking toward the house when I get pinged on my phone, a message from Bryan.

  Dude. Don’t freak out, but you’re on the internet with that chick from the game.

  Fuck. I swipe the screen on my phone, pouring over the gossip websites. The photo of me and Debra the Psycho and her friend, what’s-her-name, is plastered everywhere. Psycho chick is leaning close to me, laughing with her hand on my leg.

  That doesn’t look good.

  Shit.

  This is exactly what I need right before my wedding. Just when my pregnant fiancé is having doubts about my readiness to settle down.

  "Is Kate home from her bachelorette party?" I ask Ella, who's standing inside talking to the wedding planner about the rehearsal dinner.

  "She's napping in the guest house, I think," Ella says. When she goes back to talking to the wedding planner, I breathe a sigh of release. At least the photo isn’t widespread public knowledge yet.

  Then Ella turns around. "Oh, and Caulter?"

  "What?"

  She walks toward me, her expression concerned, and takes my arm, talking to me softly. "It's all over the internet," she says.

  "What is?" I ask, even though I know exactly what she’s talking about.

  "You and those two girls last night." Ella gives me a look like she's disappointed in me.

  "Are you kidding me?" I ask, my voice tense. It’s the look of disappointment that gets me, like deep down she expected this from me. "Do you think I cheated on Kate last night with two chicks at a basketball game?"

  "I know that men freak out before getting married," Ella says, looking at me sternly.

  "I'm surprised you can even furrow your brow like that, mother," I say, sarcastically. "With your forehead pumped full of collagen."

  "That’s not what freezes your face,” she says. “And besides, I haven’t done any of that lately. I’m aging gracefully now. Don't try to change the subject. What are you going to do about Kate?"

  "What do you mean?" I ask. "Nothing happened. Do you really think I'm that much of an idiot? You think I'd hook up with two bleached bl