Emerald Star (Hetty Feather) Read online

  ‘Oh, any fool can play around with a bit of food and make a picture,’ I said quickly, serving the meal, my hands shaking. It was rabbit with onions, parsnips, potatoes and carrots, sprinkled with a handful of Mrs Maple’s herbs. I’m sure it really was tasty, but I felt as if I were munching rat and toadstools. I could only get one mouthful down and even then I had to force myself to swallow.

  ‘No appetite, Hetty?’ said Jem, ever watchful of me.

  ‘I ate at Janet’s house,’ I lied.

  ‘It’s good that you two have become such firm friends,’ said Jem.

  ‘Janet is the sweetest girl in the world,’ I said.

  ‘No, she isn’t!’ said Jem, laughing. ‘That title’s already taken – by you, Miss Hetty Feather. And as a reward for winning the aforesaid title on a daily basis, would you like me to take you to your wretched circus just one more time? I hear they’re leaving tomorrow.’

  ‘I – I don’t think so. Not tonight,’ I said.

  I was very conscious of Gideon’s one eye staring at me. Mother was peering at me intently too. It was hard to tell what she was thinking, because her face was always strangely immobile now, but I didn’t care for the look in her eyes.

  I couldn’t blurt it out in front of them – for Jem’s sake, if not for mine.

  ‘Shall we go for a little walk after supper?’ I said to him. ‘It’s a lovely evening.’

  ‘Why, Hetty, yes!’ he said.

  He sounded so eager that I felt worse than ever. He even went to smarten himself up, coming back downstairs wearing his Sunday best and his red worsted waistcoat.

  ‘Oh, Jem,’ I said, nearly in tears.

  ‘I’ve got to look my best when I go out walking with my girl,’ he said. He took my hand and we left the cottage. ‘Which way, Hetty?’

  ‘Let’s go to our squirrel tree,’ I mumbled.

  We walked silently to the woods. I knew Jem was looking at my face, trying to gauge my mood. I couldn’t make myself look up at him. We threaded our way through the trees, still hand in hand.

  ‘We’re like those children in the fairy tale. Was it Hansel and Gretel? Shall we lie down and cover ourselves with leaves?’ said Jem, making an effort to be fanciful because he thought it would please me.

  ‘It would be a bit muddy, I think,’ I said, walking with care along the track, my boots slipping.

  ‘Here, let me carry you over this bit,’ said Jem, picking me up before I could protest.

  ‘No, no, Jem, I’m fine,’ I said.

  ‘I can’t have my girl getting her shoes and stockings all messed up. Oh my goodness, you’re as light as a feather. My Hetty Feather. Hetty Feather, Hetty Feather, Hetty Feather.’

  ‘Oh, Jem, do stop it. I’ve grown to detest my silly name,’ I said.

  ‘One day you might have a different name,’ said Jem, galloping on through the wood until we got to the squirrel tree.

  ‘I have different names already. I am Sapphire Battersea and Emerald Star,’ I said.

  ‘I mean a different real name,’ said Jem, lifting me into the tree and climbing up beside me. ‘I hope that one day you will be Hetty Cotton.’

  ‘Oh, Jem,’ I whispered, ducking my head. ‘Please don’t say any more.’

  ‘It’s all right, Hetty. Don’t be worried. I’m not going to press you any further just now. You’re far too young. But we both know we’ve had an understanding for the last ten years—’

  ‘We played at being married when I was five, Jem. It was only a child’s game.’

  ‘I think we both meant those vows even then,’ he said.

  ‘Yes, but I didn’t understand. I loved you so much – I still love you dearly – but, Jem, you are my brother.’

  ‘I’m not a blood brother. We are not related in any way, Hetty. We were simply brought up together for a few years. It is perfectly right and respectable for us to marry one day.’ Jem blushed a little. ‘I asked the parson privately and he reassured me on that point.’

  ‘I know you’re not my blood brother, Jem, but I love you as if you were my brother. I can’t love you as a sweetheart.’ It felt so terrible saying it. I hardly dared look at his face.

  ‘It’s because you’re still too young, Hetty,’ he said.

  ‘No, it’s not. It’s the way I feel, and I don’t think I can ever change.’

  Jem took hold of me, pulling me closer by the elbows. ‘I shall make you change,’ he said.

  ‘You can’t make me, Jem.’

  He let me go then. ‘That’s true. No one can make you do anything, Hetty,’ he said wretchedly. He swallowed. ‘Is there some other sweetheart you’ve not told me about?’

  ‘No, no, no one,’ I said, though I thought guiltily of Bertie. But we had only been friends, not proper sweethearts, and anyway, that seemed so long ago. I would probably never see Bertie ever again.

  ‘You’ve not fallen in love with anyone at the circus?’ said Jem.

  ‘No! But – oh, Jem, please don’t be angry, don’t mind too much, but I am going away with them tomorrow,’ I blurted out.

  ‘What? Are you mad, Hetty?’

  ‘I think perhaps I am. I know I’m doing a truly crazy thing, but I can’t help it. I have to go with them.’

  ‘But they’re dreadful folk, vulgar and rough.’

  ‘They’re not all like that. Madame Adeline’s a true lady,’ I said fiercely.

  ‘Hetty, have you looked at her? She’s a sad old woman with a painted face, still brazen enough to show her legs to everyone who wants to pay their sixpence.’

  ‘Don’t you dare talk about her like that! She’s like a mother to me,’ I said, hitting him hard in the chest.

  ‘You’re thinking of leaving your own poor afflicted mother for that painted charlatan?’ said Jem.

  ‘Mother will be happy with Gideon, Jem, you know that.’

  ‘And what about me?’ he said bitterly.

  ‘Oh, Jem, I don’t want to leave you, of course I don’t. I shall miss you terribly. Maybe you can come and see me perform . . . I am going to be a young ringmaster in a red coat. In many ways it is the star part of the circus show! Please can’t you be just a little bit happy for me? You know how much the circus means to me. It was you who took me there when I was five.’

  ‘And I wish to God I hadn’t,’ said Jem. ‘You’re completely crazy, Hetty. You’re besotted with this dreadful woman and yet you don’t even know her! You saw her once when you were five years old!’

  ‘I met her again when I was ten and I begged her to let me travel with her then. I have to go, Jem. I feel it is my destiny.’

  ‘I thought I was your destiny,’ he said. ‘Didn’t we always plan to live together? It’s all I’ve ever wanted. I thought it was what you wanted as well.’

  ‘I thought so too, but it’s not meant to be, Jem. If I go away, you’ll realize who your true love really is. Everyone else knows but you! You’ll be so happy once you forget all about me.’

  ‘I shall never forget you, Hetty. You are my whole life,’ said Jem, and then he turned away from me, and started sobbing.

  ‘Don’t, Jem, please don’t!’ I begged. ‘I can’t bear it when you cry. All right, I won’t go, not if it hurts you so terribly.’

  I put my arms right round him and held him close. I stroked his thick hair and his sunburned neck and murmured little words of comfort. I tried to wipe the tears from his eyes with my fingers. I kissed his forehead and his wet cheeks – and then I was kissing his mouth. He kissed me back, clinging to me. I couldn’t help pulling away instinctively. We both broke apart.

  ‘It’s all right, Hetty. You can’t make yourself care for me the way I want,’ said Jem. ‘I’m not going to try to keep you here. You’ll only grow to hate me.’

  ‘I’ll never hate you, Jem. I love you more than anyone else anywhere, even my own father – but do you mean it? You’ll let me go?’

  He nodded and I hugged him close again.

  ‘You promise you will write regularly this time?’