Whiskey Rebellion - Toni Aleo Read online

  But Ma cuts me off. “I’m dying, Lena.”

  The air rushes out of me as my da and Declan look away. “The tumor is pressing on the nerves in my head, and they aren’t sure they can get it out. I could die today, and you are the only woman who can hold up this family’s name and my obligations until I am better or I die—”

  “Noreen, please.”

  “It’s the feckin’ truth, Ivor, and you know it. She needs to know. What did Declan tell ya? I’m sick, come home?”

  Tears are gathering in my eyes. “Yeah.”

  “Well, it’s more than that. It’s time to stop acting like a carefree teenager and be the woman you were raised to be.”

  But I don’t want to be that woman.

  “Ma, I can—”

  “There is no can’t,” Declan says. “We all have a job to do, Lena. I have to run this family’s business, Da is to worry for Ma, and yer to be the face.”

  “A beautiful face when it’s clean,” Ma adds, but I shake my head.

  “But yer fine!” I yell, holding my hand out to her. “I mean—”

  “I’m not fine.”

  “But—”

  Da steps closer to me. “She’ll have surgery as soon as they can stabilize her blood pressure, but until then, she can’t leave these grounds. She doesn’t want to have tea with anyone because—”

  His words drop off, and Ma rolls her eyes. “’Cause I look like feckin’ Quasimodo, and I refuse to let anyone see me like this.”

  I want to help my ma, I do. I want to be everything she thinks I am, but I can’t shake the fear in my heart. “But can’t we just put everything on hold? I mean, she’ll be fine. Everyone can wait.”

  My family looks away then, and my heart drops once more. We shouldn’t be doing this. Ma is so young. “We don’t know. The surgery is risky.”

  My stomach drops. “But, Declan, she’ll be fine, right?”

  He shrugs. “Ah, Lena, don’t make me answer that.”

  I shake my head. “I need an answer.”

  He can’t answer me. It is my da who says, “They gave us a sixty percent chance of survival if the surgery is successful.”

  My gaze meets my ma’s, and she shrugs. “So that leaves you,” she says, her eyes holding mine. “You’s the only one that can do this Lena. It’s time. We’ve let ya have yer fun. Now, it’s time.”

  It’s time?

  I’m not ready.

  “But—”

  “No buts, Lena. It’s done. You will do what yer supposed to.”

  I close my eyes as the tears leak out the sides. I don’t want my ma to die. I don’t want to be here either. There is only one of her, but dammit, I had finally gotten out from underneath the feckin’ pressure she put on me. Now, I am back, and I don’t know what to do.

  I really have no choice.

  Looking to Declan, I plead with him. “Trade me? I’ll run the business, you be the face?”

  He scoffs as he shakes his head. “Lena, we both know I wasn’t groomed to do this. Ya were.”

  He’s right, I was.

  Doesn’t mean I want to, though.

  I’m back in my room, and I hate it.

  Leaning against the door, I look around and see that absolutely nothing has changed. It should make me happy, but it doesn’t. Wiping my tears since I can’t seem to stop crying, I glance at the window Casey used to crawl through to come see me when my parents wouldn’t let me out. I had to pay three hundred bobs to one of the security guys to allow that to happen. It was good for a bit, but then Casey got too handsy, and at the time, I wanted to wait till marriage to have sex.

  Well, that ship sailed….

  Blew up…

  And burned…

  Eh. That girl was an angel and actually the perfect replacement for my ma. Now, though, I’m not even sure I’m good enough for myself. God, I had such motivation to be everything my ma was. Was she overbearing? Oh, yes, but she was immaculate and beautiful. She’d walk into a room, and people would hush at her beauty and grace. She was harsh, but usually, what she said needed to be said. I wanted so much to be just like her. I don’t know how I lost my way so drastically.

  Well, I actually do know…

  That night still haunts me. I wanted so badly for Casey to love me. I begged him, told him how much he meant to me, even knowing I’d never be able to marry him. Maybe he knew that too, and it was why he never told me how he really felt about me. I don’t know and probably never will. I wanted to be loved by him, which was why I took that drink he offered me. As an heir to a whiskey distillery, it wasn’t my first drink by far, but when I drank my da’s whiskey, it was with him and in sips.

  It wasn’t like that with Casey.

  I was downing the drinks. Throwing back shots and getting a wee bit wild. That night must have been a preview of the six-month bender I’ve just been on, because thinking back, I can’t help but laugh. Exactly as I had wanted then, I want the same now—to feel safe and secure. To be loved and not to feel. Now, though, I wish I hadn’t done it. I wish I had told him I wasn’t in the mood to drink. Maybe then I wouldn’t have woken up on the front lawn with my knickers at my ankles and bite marks up my thighs.

  Maybe then I wouldn’t feel like I’m worthless.

  That isn’t the case, unfortunately.

  Fuck, I need a drink.

  I turn to leave without even unpacking, but before I can, a knock comes to my door. Making a face, I pull the door open to see Declan standing on the other side. He looks at me, and I look at him.

  “Ya gonna let me in?”

  I don’t want to since I feel he brought me back here with no warning whatsoever, but I end up letting him in. He walks past me, but I don’t move. Leaning into the door, I watch as he looks around. “Ma made sure the room wasn’t ever touched, nothing moved out of the way, or anything else like that. She only had it cleaned while you’ve been gone. She’d always say ‘Ah, Lena will be home soon.’” My throat clogs with emotion as he turns on his heel, looking back to me. “Here ya are.”

  “Not by choice,” I say, and he nods slowly.

  “Not by choice,” he repeats, moving his hands into his pockets. “What in the world happened, Lena. It’s just you and me. Tell me. Do ya need help?”

  I shake my head. “No, I stopped as soon as I got the call. It was a problem ’cause I wanted it to be a problem.”

  “Why in the world would you want that?”

  “’Cause,” I answer with a shrug, not able to find the words. “Ya just wouldn’t understand.”

  “Can ya try?”

  Looking down at the floor, I shake my head. “No. It hurts too bad.”

  I can feel him watching me, but I can’t look at him. He’d see the look, he’d know it has to do with the gobshite, Casey. Someone who shouldn’t have any power over me whatsoever. Even my therapist said that after it all went down. She was a snotty bitch. Though, some of the coping stuff she gave me helped a bit. But then I met him in an alley when I knew I shouldn’t have gone to see him.

  God, I can still hear his voice.

  “I need you, Lena.”

  “You don’t, and I couldn’t even if I wanted. I’m with Micah.”

  His eyes were pleading as he grabbed my hands, squeezing them tight. “Lena, please. Leave Micah, come with me.”

  I don’t know how I was lost in his eyes, but I was. They were such a dark brown, almost like bark on a tree. Declan would say it’s because he’s full of shit, that’s why they were brown. I never listened to him, though. I loved Casey. I didn’t now, but I had. “No, Casey, I can’t. I don’t feel that way for you anymore.”

  “Sure you do. Ya love me,” he insisted. “And remember my mama, she loves you. She needs you. She’s dying. We could take care of her together.”

  I swallowed hard. “Case, I do care for yer ma, but I don’t feel that way, and I can’t be with you or her when I’m with Micah. He won’t have it,” I answered, and I saw the pain in his eyes. It shattered my heart, i