Naked Read online

  There was still a moment when it could have gone a different way. If Sean hadn’t shifted again to press his thigh to mine in a move more blatantly sexual than Patrick had ever made on me, or if I’d come with a date the way I’d planned…or if it hadn’t been New Year’s Eve and I hadn’t still been in love with the one man I would never have.

  “Actually, I’m going to grab something to drink.”

  “Want me to come with you?” Sean smiled an easy, quirking smile that would’ve charmed me senseless if it hadn’t been almost identical to his brother’s.

  “No. I’ll be right back.” My own hard-edged smile must’ve put him off, finally, because I escaped to the kitchen without a tagalong.

  I didn’t want a drink, really. I needed some fresh air to clear my head. I was absolutely not going to give in to the glums, not tonight, not ever. Not again. I was fine.

  I was fine until I shrugged into my coat and found the small, wrapped package in my pocket. I’d meant to give it to Patrick some time when we were alone, not in front of the group. I’d bought him a button featuring the stabbity knife from his favorite cartoon, Kawaii Not. He’d gotten me hooked on the quirky, sick-sense-of-humor artwork, and it was one thing we still shared that he didn’t with anyone else. I’d wrapped the button in nondenominational paper and scribbled his name across it. I’d wanted to make sure, so fucking sure, he knew how casual and careless a present it had been. An afterthought. Not important.

  But feeling it there, the button’s round edge through the cheap paper, I knew I was the only one who’d have ever thought it was important, or meaningful.

  By the time I got out the back door and down the porch steps, I was crying. My vision blurred. Tears froze on my cheeks. They burned, and I stumbled. I drew in a hitching, labored breath that seared my lungs. I made it all the way down the path and past the detached garage before I burst into raw, hateful sobs. I stopped, a hand on the bare wood, to swipe at my eyes.

  “Fuck!” I cried when I saw I was not alone. “Where’d you come from?”

  Alex, bundled against the weather, stood beneath the eves. He’d been leaning, but straightened now. In one hand he held a cigarette that wasn’t lit.

  “I went around the front of the house. Olivia? Are you all right?”

  “Do I look like I’m all right?” I’m sure I meant to answer him calmly, but the words shot out of me, riding the backs of more sobs. I pounded the garage wall. “No! I am not all right!”

  I covered my face and sobbed into my gloves. The noises in my throat became like those of rusted gears, grinding against each other until the whole machine broke down and stopped. I became aware of a firm hand on my shoulder and then an even firmer chest against my cheek. I hadn’t realized he was so tall until my head fit just beneath Alex’s chin. His coat smelled good. The hand not holding the cigarette stroked down my back.

  I’m all for equality of the sexes and everything, but I bet there are few women out there who’d have been able to resist the allure of the comfort Alex offered. Strong arms, manly chest. I didn’t want words or advice. I didn’t even really want to tell him what had happened, only wanted to stop feeling so bad. When I finally drew away, my sobs had stopped but I didn’t feel any better.

  “It’s the most wonderful time of the year, my ass.” Alex put the cigarette between his lips. “Holiday time is shitsville.”

  I tucked my hands into my pockets. “Yeah.”

  He nodded. That was it. No explanation. No further assurances.

  I looked him over. The streetlamp made his eyes seem darker, his skin paler. I watched him lip the end of the cigarette, then take it out of his mouth and draw in a breath of frigid air.

  “Are you smoking that? Or not?”

  “Not,” he said. “I quit.”

  “So what the hell are you d-doing out here?” I said around chattering teeth. “It’s freaking freezing.”

  “Ah…old habits. You know when you smoke you always have an excuse to duck out of a place when you want to.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind.” I scrubbed at my face, not just to wipe away tears but to get some warmth circulating. “I should’ve gone out with that guy I met at the coffee shop. He wanted to take me to some package deal at the Hotel Hershey. Dinner and big band dancing. I’m sure there would have been plenty of chocolate, and a guy to kiss at midnight. Do you know how many years it’s been since I had a date to kiss at midnight?”

  “Can’t have been that many.”

  My laugh sounded faintly of the same grinding gears my sobs had. “Too many. And not because I haven’t had offers!”

  “I wouldn’t have assumed that.”

  Surreal. All of this. The night, the conversation. The man in front of me lipped his cigarette again, then let it dangle from the corner of his mouth.

  “I didn’t have a formal dress, but that’s not why I didn’t go.”

  Alex watched me with a faint smile for my babbling.

  “Go ahead and ask me why I passed up a night at the Hotel Hershey to come here, instead.”

  “Oh, I know why,” Alex said.

  My shoulders slumped. I blinked my sore and swollen eyes. “You do?”

  “You love him.”

  If anything should’ve made me cry that night, it was those three words, said as simply and matter-of-factly as that. Maybe I was cried out by then, dehydrated. Frozen. All I could manage was a shake of my head and a sigh that blew my breath out in a long plume.

  The crack of fireworks came from down the street. A church bell tolled. Tears welled up again and clogged my throat.

  “Dammit,” I whispered. “It’s midnight.”

  “Happy New Year,” Alex said.

  Then he tossed aside the cigarette, pulled me into his arms and kissed me.

  Chapter

  06

  His mouth, warm and soft, pressed mine for about five seconds before I managed to react, and by that time he’d pulled away just enough to murmur against my lips, “I don’t have any chocolate. Sorry.”

  I stepped back and put a hand over my smiling mouth. “It’s all right. You didn’t have to do that.”

  He fixed me with a steady gaze. “What makes you think I didn’t want to do that?”

  Alex doesn’t like girls, Patrick had said.

  “Well, thank you,” I told him. “I’m sorry I cried all over you and burdened you with my blabber. Again. It’s not the best way to start the New Year.”

  He put his hand on his stomach and gave a silly little half bow. “My pleasure. Really. Knight-in-shining-armor shit always makes my New Year. It’s my fucking resolution, actually.”

  I’d been sure I wouldn’t laugh for a good long time, but now I did. Loudly. It hurt my throat, but felt good just the same. “You should go back inside. Aside from being freezing out here, you’re missing the party.”

  He looked over his shoulder, across the yard, to the house. “Right. The party. I think I’m heading home, actually.”

  I nodded. “Ah. Okay.”

  “You okay to drive?” He moved a little closer and put a hand on my shoulder.

  “I wasn’t really drinking. I’ll be fine.”

  His fingers squeezed gently. “You sure? I can drive you.”

  “No, really. I’m okay.” I shivered and clamped my teeth against further clattering. “I’m going to go. I’m an icicle.”

  He laughed and released me. “So much for global warming, huh? You wouldn’t know it by this weather. Drive carefully, Olivia.”

  “I will. And, Alex,” I said as he turned toward the sidewalk. He looked back at me. “Thanks again. And Happy New Year.”

  He tipped an imaginary hat. “I told you, it was my pleasure.”

  He’d already disappeared around the corner of the house when I got my feet moving. I was going to go inside, get my things and head home. No more sitting too close to Sean’s brother, no more mooning over what might have been and never was.

  “Where were you?” Patrick cornered me t