Seeking Eden Read online

  He sat up suddenly, as though someone had slapped him. “What?”

  She looked down to her chest. A thin white stream had dribbled from the breast he’d been lavishing his attentions on. She wiped it away, and no more came to take its place.

  “It’s milk,” she said. “I only stopped nursing my last baby three months ago. Sometimes…sometimes I still leak a little.”

  He touched her breast, wonder clear on his face, and then touched her cheek. “I just didn’t expect it, that’s all.”

  He traced the silvery white lines on her abdomen, turning her toward the light to see them better. “Scars?”

  “Stretch marks,” she said. The light touch was beginning to drive her crazy.

  He bent to kiss each line. “They’re beautiful.”

  She had never thought of them that way before. They were just a part of her. Now, with Tobin, she saw them as he did. Marks of motherhood. They were beautiful.

  His breath was heavy. “Is this all right?”

  “Why wouldn’t it be?”

  He rested his hand on her stomach again, tracing the silver lines. “Because of the baby.”

  She hadn’t thought of that. A pregnant hopemother was excused from keeping appointments. A brief flash of unease filled her, but she shook it off.

  “I’ve made love while pregnant before. Once a hopemother learns she’s pregnant she doesn’t have to keep appointments any more, but it can take a couple weeks, even months to know you’ve caught.”

  With a sigh he pulled away from her. “Maybe we shouldn’t, then.”

  No! That wasn’t what she wanted! She needed him, needed to be in his arms and not as just friends. Not traveling companions. Lovers.

  She put her hands on his shoulders, bringing him close to her body. “It’s all right, Tobin.”

  “Are you sure?”

  She could tell he wanted her to be right. He wanted to make love to her as much as she needed him to. And yet, he was willing to push away the obvious desire of his body because he was concerned for her, and for the baby swimming inside her. She’d never known a man to care for her in that way. She didn’t know joy could hurt almost as much as grief.

  “I’m not sure, no,” she said, because she couldn’t lie to him. “Hopemothers were excused, yes, but not for any definite health reasons. It was just a precaution, Tobin. We weren’t forbidden from keeping appointments, just excused. Most of us looked forward to that excuse.”

  He nodded, resting his chin on her head. His hands toyed in her hair some more, then down her shoulders and back in a soothing rhythm that could have put her to sleep. She snuggled closer to him, her arms around his back and her thigh pressed between his. She was starting to get cold.

  “I just don’t want to risk hurting you, or the child,” he said roughly. He reached down to touch the long, still healing cut on her leg. “This was bad enough. Elanna, I’d hate myself if anything happened to you because of something I did.”

  “We’ll be doing it together,” she said.

  “I don’t know if I can.”

  She reached between them to touch him. “This says you can.”

  “Maybe we’d better just go to sleep.”

  Now tears threatened. Her hormones were raging, she knew that. But she also felt terribly, horribly disappointed.

  “If you don’t want to make love to me,” she said with as much dignity as she could, “then just say so.”

  He clutched at her, kissing her forehead. “Please don’t say that.”

  “What should I think?” She asked him angrily. “We’re in bed together, we’re naked, and you won’t make love to me!”

  She knew she was being unreasonable. His reasons were strong, and noble. That didn’t change the fact that she wanted him, and it didn’t make her happy about his refusal.

  “Is it a risk you’re willing to take?” He asked her gently, pulling her chin up so she could look at his face.

  She thought about the months ahead, never knowing for sure if the life she carried would survive. Pregnancy was always filled with anxiety. Would she lose the baby this month? Or perhaps the next? Would the child be safely delivered, and if it lived through that, was it healthy? Would it live? Would it die? Would it nurse and would it grow?

  “No,” she said finally. Hot and bitter tears stung her nose and throat. “No, I guess not.”

  Tobin pushed her gently until she turned, then spooned against her. He tugged the covers over them. His hand found hers, and clasped it tightly.

  “Sleep well,” he whispered in her ear.

  She wouldn’t have thought she could, but she did.

  −

  25-

  Sleeping naked next to Elanna was a sweet torture he couldn’t believe he’d put himself through. His entire body ached everywhere it touched hers, but he didn’t want to move away. Her breathing was slow and regular, and he knew she slept. He couldn’t.

  She had a child growing in her, a miracle he’d never seen. True, he’d always dreamed of fathering a child of his own, but as she’d so wisely pointed out to him, did it matter? It was a baby.

  But who would care for Elanna during her pregnancy? Who would help her when the time came for the baby to be born? They had to find other people, women, and soon.

  How long could they travel? The thought sobered him. How much physical activity could she handle? How long could she walk the grueling miles they’d have to go?

  She needed proper food, water. Rest. She needed good shoes. She needed too many things.

  Feeling helpless, he buried his face in her hair, breathing in the scent of her. He wasn’t ready for this responsibility. He didn’t know what he was doing, and she relied on him.

  It took a long time for the sun to rise. His eyes grew heavy, but even when he closed them, sleep eluded him. Thoughts ran like rats through his mind, over and over. Nothing he’d ever read had prepared him for this challenge. All he knew about labor was that it made the women scream and needed lots of boiling water.

  Oh, God. Sometimes the women died. Could he bear it? Anxiety gripped him, shortening his breath until he had to force himself to relax, to breathe. In. Out. In. Out. Calming himself.

  She stirred beside him, stretching. She rolled to face him, her hair a glorious tangle. Her eyes were puffy. Had she been crying, even in her sleep? How could he not have heard?

  “Good morning,” Elanna said quietly. Did she look a little pale?

  “Morning. Did you sleep well?”

  She nodded, brushing her tangled curls away from her face. “I guess so. You?”

  He nodded a lie. “Hungry?”

  Her mouth pursed, and she swallowed heavily. “Ack.”

  He hadn’t heard her right. “What?”

  She swallowed again, twice. Her face grew paler. Slowly, slowly, she pushed herself up from the bed and swung her legs over the side.

  “Are you all right?” He asked, alarmed.

  Her back to him, she held up one hand but didn’t speak. Her shoulders shook momentarily. Again, slowly, she stood and with measured footsteps left the room.

  A minute later he heard the awful sound of her heaving. Tobin leapt from the bed faster than he thought he could have. He flung open the door so hard it hit the wall and made a hole.

  “Elanna!”

  She came out of the bathroom. He was relieved to see some color back in her cheeks. He went to her and held her, taking her by the hand back to the bedroom.

  “What’s wrong?” He asked, close to panic. “Are you sick? Are you all right?”

  He didn’t understand why she was looking at him with such amusement. She let him sit her down on the bed. When he knelt in front of her, she stroked his cheek.

  “Toby. I’m fine. It’s called morning sickness.”

  He sat back, not knowing what to say. “Oh.”

  She giggled a little. “It’s not pretty, but it doesn’t last. I usually don’t get it at all. I’m sorry if I scared you.”

  He let