The Unfortunate Miss Fortunes Read online

  And the libido spell had worn off hours before they’d gotten to silk bondage. She looked down at him fondly. They were going to have a really good time in Toledo.

  They’d lost his heavy silver earring somewhere in the bed – she needed to find it when she recovered her energy. An overenthusiastic bite on his ear and she’d almost swallowed it. He’d laughed, tried to put it in her ear, and then they’d gotten distracted once more and forgotten all about it.

  She could hear her sisters moving around in the living room. Dee would probably think twice about marching in here unannounced – in his current state of happy exhaustion she doubted Elric would have the energy to shield his presence, and she really didn’t like the idea of her sisters seeing Elric at his finest. He was hers, and for the first time in her life she wasn’t going to share.

  She untied her wrist and slid off the bed, kneeling down on the floor beside him. He opened his eyes.

  ‘Not asleep,’ he murmured. ‘Dead.’

  She bent to kiss him, but a pounding on the door made her jerk back, Elric catching her in his arms.

  ‘Lizzie,’ Mare screamed, and pounded again. ‘Lizzie, please, PLEASE!’ And Lizzie grabbed the purple sheet from underneath the bed where it had landed hours earlier, wrapped it around her body, toga-style, and stumbled to the door to face her sister.

  Mare heard Jude behind her, but she ignored him to beat on Lizzie’s door with her fist. ‘Lizzie, I need you RIGHT NOW, Please, please, PLEASE-’

  Lizzie opened the door wrapped in a purple sheet looking flushed and rumpled and annoyed.

  Mare stuck the Crash frog out at her. ‘Turn him back. Please, please turn him back. I love him. Please, please, God, Lizzie, you have to.’

  ‘I have no idea what she’s talking about,’ Jude said from behind her.

  Lizzie looked closer at the frog. ‘Put him on the floor,’ she said, no longer angry.

  Mare swallowed and put Crash on the floor. ‘Oh, God, Lizzie.’

  ‘Step back,’ Lizzie said.

  Mare stepped back, hating to leave him so exposed.

  Lizzie looked down and took a deep breath and raised her encircled arms.

  ‘That’s vermin,’ Jude said, and raised his foot just as Lizzie struck.

  There was a flash of purple light, a lot more purple smoke than Mare had ever seen before, and then Crash was back, tall and broad and choking and waving his hands through the violet smog.

  ‘What the fuck happened to me?’ he said.

  Mare threw her arms around him and kissed him and then kissed him again. ‘I love you, I really love you, and I will marry you and go to Tuscany because those five minutes you were a frog were the worst five minutes of my life.’

  ‘They weren’t great for me, either,’ Crash said, holding her close, still sounding annoyed but not as much as before. ‘Hello, Lizzie.’

  ‘Hello, Crash,’ Lizzie said, but she was looking at the floor.

  Mare looked back at her, clutching Crash. ‘What? What’s wrong? He’s okay, isn’t he? There wasn’t any damage?’ She began patting him all over. ‘He’s okay, he feels okay, tell me he’s okay. Baby, are you okay?’

  ‘Okay?’ Crash said, still holding on to her. ‘I was a fucking frog. Are you going tell me how that happened?’

  ‘I think Jude…’ Mare’s voice trailed off as she looked around. ‘The little weasel ran for it.’

  ‘Not a weasel.’ Lizzie nodded to the floor.

  A frog sat there, looking stunned.

  ‘Jude?’ Mare said.

  Lizzie shrugged. ‘He was there and then he wasn’t. I’m guessing that’s Jude.’

  ‘You turned him into a frog?’ Mare thought for a second. ‘Yeah, that’s fair.’

  ‘No,’ Lizzie said. ‘That was a restoration spell. He got into the line of fire when he tried to step on Crash. You know, he was the guy who tried to take my amethyst, and when I hit him the last time and he turned into a frog, I thought it was strange. I mean, why not a bunny? Or a ferret? Generally I don’t do frogs, but-’

  ‘What?’ Crash said, looking around. ‘Somebody tried to step on me?’

  Mare looked at the frog again. ‘Restoration? He started out as a frog? Then how did he get to be a vice president at Value Video!!? Although that’s not as farfetched as you’d think.’

  ‘Xan,’ Lizzie said. ‘She sent us all our soul mates.’

  ‘And she thought mine was a frog?’ Mare raged.

  ‘Maybe she misunderstood,’ Lizzie said. ‘She did find him in Italy. Maybe Crash moved too fast, and she scooped up Jude instead, and then tried to make him… more attractive.’ She shrugged. ‘She chose a hot movie star. She tried.’

  ‘She thought my true love was a frog? If I ever get my hands on that bitch-’ Mare stopped, as the rest of what Lizzie was saying hit. ‘Wait. She cast the spell and scooped up Jude because Crash moved too fast.’ She shook her head. ‘I’ve been stupid. That means she brought Crash, too. She caught him with the spell, too.’

  ‘Probably,’ Lizzie said. ‘She just didn’t realize it because only the edge of the spell caught him.’ She smiled at Crash. ‘It’s nice seeing you again, Christopher. I’ve always liked you best of all of Mare’s… friends.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Crash said, confused. ‘I’ve always liked you best of all of Mare’s sisters. What’s going on?’

  Mare let go of him.

  ‘What?’ Crash said, holding on to her. ‘Don’t look like that.’

  Mare smiled at him, miserable. ‘Remember in the diner when you couldn’t tell me why you’d come back. It was because of Xan.’

  ‘No,’ Crash said. ‘I told you, I never met your aunt.’

  ‘I know,’ Mare said. ‘She never even knew she got you. That’s why she made Jude. But that’s why you came here, just the same. You’re not a minion. You just got caught in a spell.’

  ‘No,’ Crash looked confused, holding on to her. ‘I couldn’t stop thinking about you-’

  ‘Nobody thinks about a woman for five years without doing something about it,’ Mare said, trying to pry his fingers off her. ‘You’re back because I love you, because you’re my True Love, not because I’m yours.’

  ‘I never forgot you,’ Crash said. ‘I didn’t think about you every day, but I didn’t-’

  ‘No.’ Mare swallowed tears, determined not to cry. ‘And the second soul mate she found for me was a toad.’

  ‘Frog,’ Lizzie said.

  ‘You didn’t know him,’ Mare snapped at her, grateful for the anger.

  ‘This is crap,’ Crash said. ‘Could we go back to the part where somebody turned me into a frog?’

  ‘He’s got a point,’ Mare told Lizzie. ‘You better check Elric. For all you know, he’s a llama.’

  Lizzie blinked, taken aback.

  ‘Elric!’ Mare yelled.

  After a moment, Elric appeared behind Lizzie, looking unamused. ‘You bellowed?’

  ‘Do it,’ Mare snapped to Lizzie, and Lizzie turned, encircled her arms, and hit Elric with the restoration spell.

  The air went purple again, there were some interesting violet sparks, and then the fog cleared and Elric was standing there, the same as before.

  ‘Funny,’ he said.

  ‘Sorry,’ Mare said. ‘I made her do it. Jude turned out to be amphibian.’ She looked at him down on the floor. ‘I’d like to feed him to Py, but it’s not his fault he’s a toad.’

  ‘Frog.’ Lizzie picked Jude up. ‘I’ve got the old bunny cage in here. I’ll keep him in that.’

  Jude croaked, and Mare said, ‘You shut up,’ and turned back to Crash. ‘The spell will wear off soon, and you’ll be okay again, so you should probably go now.’

  ‘Oh, dear,’ Lizzie said, ‘don’t do anything dumb, Mare,’ and went back into her workroom, taking Jude and Elric with her and sending Mare a look of heartfelt sympathy.

  Then the door closed and they were alone.

  ‘You’re coming with me,’ Crash said, determination chasi