The Unfortunate Miss Fortunes Read online

  ‘This is excellent,’ Mare said. ‘I think – Hey, you!’

  Across the store, the boy who’d put his hand down his girlfriend’s blouse straightened up.

  ‘What were you thinking?’ Mare said. ‘The sun isn’t even down yet,’ and he sank back into his chair.

  That was when she noticed everybody was sitting closer than usual.

  ‘You know, Algy is really cute,’ Dreama said, fluffing up her hair a little. ‘I told him to come early so we could like, talk.’

  ‘You did,’ Mare said, looking around.

  Over on the love seat, Katie stuck her tongue in Brandon’s ear. Brandon almost passed out.

  Jude caught her eye from the back of the store and motioned to her.

  ‘Stay here,’ she told Dreama. ‘Watch everybody. There’s something weird going on.’

  ‘Well, fix it,’ Dreama said.

  Mare sighed. ‘I told you, I’m not-’

  ‘Yeah, but that’s crap,’ Dreama said. ‘I’ve been working with you for two years. I know what you do. I watch you talk to the people who come in here. I watch you walk down the street. People stare at you, but it’s not because of the weird stuff you wear, it’s because you know stuff, because you’re not afraid to say things, because you make a difference, you make things happen.’ She stepped closer. ‘You can catch DVDs, no hands. Pencils don’t fall on the floor when you’re around. I was right behind you when you found William, and we were clear across the storeroom, but you lifted him off that rope before we were even close. You saved him before we were close. You really are the Queen of the Universe. So I know you’re having a bad day, but snap out of it. Because we need you. Queens of the Universe do not get days off, so just suck it up and get back to work.’

  Mare blinked at her, and Dreama stuck her chin in the air and went back to the counter.

  Mare thought, Well, hot damn, Dreama, and then Jude called, ‘Mare, I’m ready to have that talk now,’ and she went to the back of the store and followed him into the storeroom, still stunned by Dreama and the backbone she’d grown while nobody was watching.

  ‘So, Mare,’ he said, when he’d closed the door.

  ‘So, Jude,’ Mare said. ‘I know Xan’s up to something because she damn near killed me this afternoon, and I know you’re part of it, so tell me everything right now and you’ll get to keep all your working parts.’

  ‘You were right, I do know your aunt,’ Jude said. ‘She told me all about you, she showed me your picture, she told me you worked in one of our stores, and Mare, I fell in love right there.’

  Mare rolled her eyes. ‘No you didn’t. You’re the wrong guy. She probably put a spell on you or something. Now what’s her plan? We know the whole taking-the-powers bit, but exactly how is she-’

  ‘No, Mare,’ Jude said fervently. ‘You put a spell on me, I loved you from the moment I saw your picture, and I wanted you-’

  He lunged for her, grabbing her arms, and she said, ‘Hey, watch my veil!’ and tripped backward into the shell behind her, knocking over the plastic bottles of orange popcorn oil, bouncing them onto the concrete floor and breaking one as Jude tried to slide his arms around her, aiming for her lips and kissing her cheek instead, his tongue flicking out at her ear.

  ‘God, no, stop it.’ Mare pushed him away, trying to keep her veil from ripping, but he grabbed again and got her breast this time, squeezing it as if he’d never felt one before, and she smacked at him with the flat of her hand, catching him on the nose so that he jerked back. Then she kneed him in the stomach and he slipped in the oil, and she lifted the broken oil bottle with her mind, and dumped the rest of the oil over him so that he slipped again and again on the floor. She looked around for something else and levitated the ripped beanbag chair, letting the pellets fall out to hover in the air in a blanket above him and then dropped them on him all at once so that he was covered in them while she smoothed out her blue tulle skirt.

  She didn’t mind kicking a guy around, but she drew the line at screwing up her Corpse Bride dress.

  ‘For the last time,’ she said, shoving her veil back into place so she could see him better. ‘You’re an evil minion. You do not get the girl, you do not get laid, you do not get anything but humiliated.’ She shook her head at him, splayed on the concrete floor, covered in orange goo and white pellets. ‘Why anybody ever applies for the evil minion job is beyond me. Didn’t you see this coming?’

  ‘I’m a vice president,’ he said from the floor, outraged.

  ‘You’re a minion,’ she snapped. ‘You might as well have a target painted on your forehead. Now what the hell is my aunt doing? And while we’re at it, what the hell is going on out there?’

  ‘Out where?’ he said, looking legitimately confused as he kept a wary eye on the empty vinyl beanbag still hovering above him.

  ‘Out there in the store? All the PDA?’

  ‘PDA?’

  ‘Public Display of Affection,’ Mare said, exasperated. ‘Don’t tell me that’s not a spell. What’s Xan doing? Or is that your idea of foreplay?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Jude said, still watching the vinyl bag overhead.

  ‘Oh, great,’ Mare said, ‘a clueless evil minion,’ and dropped the bag on him.

  She detoured around the popcorn oil slick and locked him in the storeroom and then went back to Dreama. ‘How’s it going?’

  Dreama looked perplexed. ‘I never thought Corpse Bride was a very hot movie, did you?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Well, a lot of people are necking to it.’

  Mare cast an eye over the escalating PDA in her audience. ‘Wait here.’ She walked around the counter and out the door into the street. People were walking hand in hand, stopping to kiss in the twilight. In darkened doorways, they were doing more. In bouncing parked cars, a lot more. Dogs howled. Cats yowled. The birds in the trees twittered with more enthusiasm than usual.

  A passerby said, ‘Hey baby,’ and tried to kiss her, grabbing her butt in the process, and she gave him a bloody nose.

  He staggered on down the street and she got out her cell phone and called Dee. ‘Hello?’ Dee said breathlessly.

  ‘Dee, it’s Mare. I think Xan’s doing something. Jude just attacked me in the Value Video!! storeroom, and now everywhere I look, there’s sex.’

  ‘It’s a libido spell,’ Dee said.

  Mare looked at the phone, stunned. ‘A libido spell?’

  ‘She’s made the whole town hot to get us into bed with the guys she sent.’

  ‘Oh.’ Mare thought about it. ‘What’s that going to get her?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Dee said. ‘Make us fall in love faster? She really wants us with these guys. Are you okay?’

  A guy stopped and opened his mouth to say something, and Mare looked him straight in the eye. He moved on.

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘Good. I have to go.’

  Mare frowned at the phone. ‘Go where?’

  ‘Up on the mountain with the guy she wants me with. This is a good libido spell. No point in wasting it.’

  ‘Danny’s back? That’s gr – No, wait. This is Xan’s plan. You tell that man good-bye and get your butt back home. What are you thinking?’

  ‘I’m thinking it’s about time I had sex on a mountain.’

  Mare started to yell and then reconsidered. ‘Oh. Good point. Be careful.’

  ‘Not this time,’ Dee said and hung up.

  ‘I’ll be damned,’ Mare said, and went back inside.

  Algy was behind the counter with Dreama.

  ‘Good to see you, Algy,’ Mare said. ‘Take any liberties with Dreama, and I’ll rip your heart out and feed it to my cat.’

  ‘Mare,’ Dreama said.

  ‘I’m Queen of the Universe. I can do that.’ Mare dialed her cell phone again and waited until Crash picked up. ‘I was wrong. I apologize.’

  ‘I accept,’ Crash said. ‘What took you so long?’

  ‘I’ve been mostly dead all day.’

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