The Worst Thing About My Sister Read online

  ‘They might. They very nearly tipped right over once, when I tried jumping up and down on the top bunk.’

  ‘Yes, well, surprise surprise – of course they’d tip then. No wonder they’re so rickety, with you leaping about like a monkey.’

  ‘I wish I had a monkey. Hey, Mighty Mart could turn into Mighty Monkey in the jungle and grow a beautiful long tail and swing from branch to branch.’

  ‘Yes, and you could grow one of those rude red monkey bottoms too,’ said Melissa, sniggering.

  ‘You shut up. Yes, Mighty Mart is deep in the jungle and she’s thrusting her way through the undergrowth. It’s boiling hot and the mosquitoes are nipping her, but she doesn’t flinch. She strides onwards in her Converse boots, but then she hears something!’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Ssh, she’s listening! She hears this rustle-rustle-rustle. Something’s gliding towards her, nearer and nearer. The jungle birds stop their squawking, the animals all hide, because something is coming!’

  ‘What?’

  ‘It’s a massive boa constrictor – an evil creature that can kill you with one clasp. Even Mighty Mart is powerless if he chooses to strike.’

  As I spoke, I uncoiled Basil and very slowly hung him down from my top bunk.

  ‘Yes, the boa constrictor strikes terror in everyone’s hearts. Watch out – he’s coming, he’s coming!’

  I leaned right over and shook Basil so that he brushed Melissa’s face. She screamed and shot out of bed, shaking her arms and legs, fighting thin air.

  ‘Watch out, he’s going to get little Baba now,’ I said, choking with laughter.

  ‘No he’s not!’ said Melissa, clutching her shabby old doll.

  ‘Melissa!’ Mum came rushing into our bedroom. ‘What’s happened? What’s the matter? Why are you out of bed?’

  ‘She’s fine, Mum. We were just playing,’ I said, pulling Basil back into my bunk.

  ‘Well, don’t play! It’s time to go to sleep. And don’t either of you scream like that. You sounded really frightened,’ said Mum.

  ‘Melissa was really frightened,’ I said triumphantly as Mum went back to her sewing.

  ‘No I wasn’t,’ said Melissa sullenly, getting back into bed with Baba.

  ‘Yes you were! Scared stiff of Basil, even though you say he’s just a manky bundle of old tights. Oh, you nearly got her, didn’t you, Basil my boy. Watch out, Melissa. He’ll wait until you’re fast asleep – and then he’ll come slithering down again.’

  ‘And I’ll rip him to shreds – I’m warning you,’ said Melissa. ‘Now shut up, Marty. Go to sleep.’

  ‘I’m not the slightest bit sleepy. It feels so weird being in this room. It smells.’

  ‘It does not!’

  ‘Yes, it does – it smells of your horrible hand cream.’

  ‘That’s a lovely smell.’

  ‘It truly pongs. It’s making me cough – listen!’ I coughed loudly. I made Wilma and Basil and Jumper and Polly and Half-Percy and all six horses cough too.

  ‘This is a madhouse,’ said Melissa, burrowing right under her duvet.

  ‘No, it’s a jungle, and all the animals are sick and coughing with deadly rose pollutant. They’re all keeling over and dying – listen.’ I made every single creature flop onto their back, gasping.

  ‘I’m not listening,’ Melissa said, from deep under her duvet.

  I made up a glorious adventure about Mighty Mart striding into the jungle with a big mask over her face. She sprayed all the rose pollutant until it evaporated into pink clouds that floated away. Melissa clearly wasn’t listening, because she started snoring.

  I giggled at first, hearing my prim, fussy sister making such silly snorty-pig sounds, but after a while it started to get annoying. I wanted to get to sleep, but how could I when there was this piglet in the bunk below?

  ‘Melissa!’ I leaned right down from my top bunk and gave her a prod. ‘Melissa, wake up!’

  ‘What?’ Melissa mumbled.

  ‘You’re snoring!’

  ‘No I’m not!’

  ‘Well you’re not right this second because I’ve just woken you up.’

  ‘So shut up. I don’t snore anyway,’ said Melissa.

  She burrowed down in her bunk bed. In less than a minute she was snoring again, even louder this time.

  I pulled my own duvet right over my head, and curled up with my animals and whispered Mighty Mart stories to them. I didn’t get to sleep for ages – but it helped me come up with a cunning plan to get my own back on Katie and Ingrid.

  I got up very early the next morning, as soon as I heard Mum go into the bathroom. I whizzed downstairs into the kitchen. I opened up the fridge and peered inside.

  I was momentarily distracted by the leftover trifle on the bottom shelf. My finger reached out all by itself and started scraping up the cream, and a cherry or two, and it scooped a peach slice out of the sponge – but then I managed to get it under control again. I left the trifle alone and reached for an egg box. I shook it gently to make sure it was full, and then sneaked it back upstairs, carrying it under my pyjama top just in case I bumped into Mum or Dad.

  Melissa was still sound asleep on the bottom bunk, so I wrapped the egg box carefully in two old T-shirts for protection and put it in my school bag. There! Mission accomplished!

  I was a little unnerved at breakfast when Mum was unusually nice.

  ‘How did you get on sharing, girls?’ she asked, giving us both a hug. ‘Did you go to sleep quickly after all that squeaking and squealing?’

  ‘One of us did,’ I said, spooning cornflakes into my mouth. ‘The one of us who snores like a pig.’

  ‘I don’t!’ said Melissa indignantly.

  ‘Of course you don’t,’ said Dad. ‘No one in this family snores. We just breathe deeply, don’t we?’

  That made me giggle and choke on my cornflakes, because Dad snores terribly. He doesn’t sound like a piglet, he sounds more like a great snorty warthog.

  ‘Careful with those cornflakes, Martina,’ said Mum. She spread her hands, waggling her fingers about. ‘I sewed the last cushion last night, and finished the poppy costume. And one of the Year Five mums emailed. Her oldest daughter’s getting married and she wants me to tackle her wedding dress and three bridesmaid’s dresses too.’

  ‘But you’re already doing another lot of bridesmaid’s dresses, aren’t you? You can’t take on too much, love. Your hands are playing up as it is,’ said Dad.

  ‘No, I’m fine. They don’t need these dresses for months yet. And guess what! One of the dancing-school mums wants a blue dress just like Martina’s for her daughter.’ She patted my curls. ‘You were a brilliant little model for me, sweetheart.’

  ‘A rhapsody in blue,’ said Dad.

  ‘Bluebottle, more like,’ said Melissa.

  I felt myself flushing. Were all the Year Sixes calling me Bluebottle too? They didn’t even know me.

  ‘How did you know?’ I hissed.

  ‘I heard that Katie and Ingrid calling after you,’ Melissa whispered. She paused. ‘Do you want me and my friends to sort them out for you?’

  ‘No thanks. I’ll sort them out, don’t worry,’ I said.

  ‘What are you two whispering about?’ said Mum.

  ‘Just … secrets,’ I said.

  ‘There! I knew sharing a room would bring you closer together,’ Mum said happily. She looked at her watch. ‘We’re quite early for once. You were very good to get up without being called, Martina. There’s just about time for me to cook you a proper breakfast if you’d like. What about bacon and eggs?’

  Eggs!

  ‘No thanks,’ I said quickly. ‘I’m full of cornflakes.’

  ‘No thanks, Mum,’ said Melissa, luckily. ‘Fried breakfasts are sooo fattening.’

  ‘No thanks, Jan. I’m going out for an hour or two, leafleting the neighbourhood,’ said Dad.

  He’d designed a little advert for his travel services on the computer and was eager to spread the w