My Secret Diary Read online

  I thought of her as a martyr but she was certainly no saint. I loved reading the passages in her diary when she complained bitterly about her mother and longed for a proper boyfriend. But as I said in the first chapter, it was her diary entries about writing that meant the most to me and I learned them by heart. I mentioned my other all-time favourite book in the first chapter too: I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith.

  It's the story of Cassandra and her sister Rose, living in poverty in a dilapidated castle with their writer father and eccentric stepmother, Topaz; then two rich American brothers come to live nearby . . . It sounds absolute toffee, a ridiculous romantic fairytale, but trust me, it's a wonderful book and Cassandra is such an endearing and compelling narrator that you are swept into the story and believe every single word of it.

  I didn't just envy Cassandra her two-guinea red-leather notebook. I wanted to dab myself with her bluebell scent and drink green crème de menthe and swim in a moat at midnight.

  I loved reading sad stories. I found The Wind Cannot Read wondrously moving:

  Tuesday 2 February

  Morris and Iris [friends of Biddy's] have lent me 'The Wind Cannot Read', by Richard Mason, author of my favourite 'The World of Suzie Wong'. I'm enjoying it very much at the moment.

  Wednesday 3 February

  I finished reading 'The Wind Cannot Read'. It is a lovely book, but very sad at the end. I almost cried, and I'm definitely not the sentimental type.

  I'm sure I'd remain dry-eyed if I ever tried to plough through it now, but one book that would still make me cry is The Story of Gabrielle.

  Tuesday 23 February

  I went to the library and got 3 books. I have finished one already called 'The Story of Gabrielle'. It is a wonderful story of a truly amazing child who dies of cancer. It is very moving, and I really love and admire Gabby.

  The Story of Gabrielle was beautifully and movingly written by Gabrielle's mother. I own it now but can't even bring myself to look at it because I find it unbearable to read about the death of a child, maybe because I've known so many special children who have died of cancer. Over the years I've made many visits to sick children who have written to me. They are always very brave so I try hard to be brave too, though when I get home I often cry.

  I know I sometimes write sad books now. I wept when I wrote Kiss – and I cried and cried when I wrote the last chapter of My Sister Jodie. I tried hard not to let Vicky Angel be too upsetting, even though it was very sad. I cut out one of the early chapters, with detailed descriptions of Vicky in hospital.

  I was certainly wary of hospital scenes in fiction back in 1960:

  Wednesday 3 February

  I carried on reading [after finishing The Wind Cannot Read] 'Not As a Stranger', but I'm not going to read it any more. First it told you about digging a boil out of a neck and the pus etc. etc., and it made me feel sick, and then a little boy cuts off his w— with a razor blade. Ugh! I very nearly was sick then, and I'm not going near the horrible book again.

  I read historical fiction too. I had a thing about Queen Elizabeth I in my early teens and read anything I could find about her and the times she lived in.

  Wednesday 20 January

  I got a good book out of the library called 'Young Bess' by Margaret Irwin. It is all about Elizabeth 1st when she was about 12–15. She wasn't half advanced for her age! There is a portrait of her in the book painted when she was 13. She looked at least 18! Also Tom Seymour, a man of over thirty, was in love with her! I can't imagine a man loving me like that at this age.

  Thursday 21 January

  I'm enjoying 'Young Bess' very much. It makes you think of Elizabeth as if she was still living. The book is very witty, but you have to use your brains to understand the jokes.

  Tuesday 17 May

  After school I went to the library. I got a very interesting book about Elizabethans. I specially enjoyed the chapters about cosmetics and ailments. It's amazing that the Elizabethans managed to live at all! They used to put cerise (white lead) on face, neck and chest, which slowly turned the skin withered, and gave the women gastro-intestinal diseases and palsy. They put rouge on cheeks and lips that simply ate into the flesh after a time. Also, if they had scars, spots or freckles they put on this ointment that destroyed all skin tissue, which, naturally, left horrible scars. So the Elizabethans put on more and more ointment to get rid of the scars until they had hardly any skin left at all.

  I wished we studied the Elizabethans in history. I sat next to a funny, lively, dark-haired girl called Jill in history lessons and we bonded terrifically when she said she hero-worshipped Elizabeth too.

  Tuesday 1 March

  Had double History. Mr Stokes looked at Jill's library book and roared with laughter when he saw it was entitled 'Lovers of my Lord Admiral'. Jill explained that she was an Elizabeth fan, and when Mr S. looked at my book and saw it was 'The Bright Pavilions' (an Eliz. Book) he realised I was too.

  Jill was more flexible than me when it came to periods of history.

  Friday 12 February

  Jill lent me a book 'Our Dearest Emma' by Lozania Prole. Never have I read a book in which there are so many different romances. I am sure Emy, when she was alive, found it difficult to keep track of so many bedfellows.

  Biddy didn't mind me reading about historical bed-hopping, but she did fuss about contemporary sexy books. Sandra, a girl I knew at dancing classes, told me that 'Peyton Place was a shocking book, her friend had showed it to her at school. I asked Mum if I could read it but she said wait till you're 16.'

  I didn't waste time arguing. I knew Biddy wouldn't let me buy it and I wasn't sure the staid librarians in Kingston library would let me check it out. So I secretly borrowed Peyton Place from Sandra.

  Wednesday 13 April

  This morning I phoned Cherry to arrange about the flicks, and then spent a good half hour reading 'Peyton Place' which is strictly taboo. As I flipped through I found the interesting bits Sandra referred to, but oh, what a storm in a teacup! The parts about Alison's adolescence are a little boring, as in thousands of books it mentions, sometimes being far more frank, these things. I thought Stella conceiving her stepfather's baby a little peculiar, but when it told you about Betty's seduction, and her tight shorts being easy to slip off, well, I thought it sheer trash. In fact I had a good laugh to think that sensible adults are 'shocked' by this 'outspoken book'. I think my dear parents would get a shock if they knew some of the books I read that are far worse.

  Thursday 14 April

  This morning I finished skimming through 'Peyton Place'. It went on in the same manner as before, ending up when Alison finally launches upon 'The Fate Worse Than Death', and discovers that she loves Peyton Place and is no longer afraid of it.

  The next day was Good Friday – and I wanted something else to keep me going all over the Easter weekend. My longest book was Gone with the Wind, over a thousand pages, but for some reason I'd lent it to Uncle Ron – Biddy's friend, not a real uncle.

  Friday 15 April

  I phoned Ron up to ask him if he was coming over on Saturday. He said he definitely was so I asked if he would return my book 'Gone with the Wind' when he came. He promised he would, then I rang off after chattering a little. I hope he does remember to bring it as I am stuck over the weekend without any books to read, as I have either finished my library books or else they're boring. I cannot bear persevering with a book when I don't like it.

  Re-reading Gone with the Wind kept me going right through Easter and beyond. I guzzled my chocolate eggs and then tried to suck my tummy in, sighing over Scarlett O'Hara's minuscule waist. I didn't envy her any of her men. I didn't even care for Rhett Butler – but I did envy Scarlett her green velvet gown and all her rustling petticoats.

  Ga and Biddy and I all unusually agreed that Gone with the Wind was a great read. We all also liked Monica Dickens.

  Friday 8 April

  I finished reading 'Joy and Josephine' by Monica Dickens. It was a very good book