My Secret Diary Read online

  The Youth Fellowship discussion group was run by a gentle bald man called Mr Golden, who welcomed me warmly.

  Mr Golden based his talk on stars, and told us about horoscopes etc. Afterwards I had to give my name and address to Michael Young to be put on the register. Chris pipes up 'Why not give him your vital statistics as well?' and M.Y. and I promptly blush scarlet. When we got outside the Church we saw Johnny Wilkins smoking a pipe! I couldn't believe my eyes as he is only about sixteen. He looked so funny, puffing away self consciously. We now call him Sherlock Holmes amongst ourselves.

  I settled into going to Youth Fellowship every Sunday. I don't think I ever contributed to any discussion. I was far too shy, though I was Miss Gabby Gossip with Chris.

  Sunday 17 January

  Before the service everyone natters away to each other, and Chris and I were engrossed in conversation. We suddenly realised that Viv was nudging us and that everyone was staring at us. Poor Mr Golden had been trying to begin the service and had said 'Shall we commence by singing . . .' whereupon Chris had said (in reply to me) 'No!' Everybody burst out laughing and a boy called out 'Big Brother has his eye on you.'

  The next day I wrote:

  When I got home after Y.F. Mum asked me which boy I liked best. Little does she know it's John Wilkins! At school Sue told Chris I liked him but Chris has sworn faithfully not to tell him.

  I liked John Wilkins the pipe smoker?! But not for long.

  Wednesday 20 January

  I can't imagine loving a man, not now. Of course I get crushes on boys, but that's not proper love. In Biology Chris told me that she thought J.W. liked Gloria Hastings. That has rather put me off him.

  The next Saturday there was a special Youth Fellowship Tramps Party. I've inked red and blue stars at the top of the page. This was clearly a magical occasion for me, though reading my diary entry now, it sounds so touchingly soppy.

  Saturday 23 January

  Met Chris in New Malden at 10 o'clock. We went round the shops and bought some loaves and marge for the church 'Tramps Party' in the afternoon. We dropped them off in the Church hall and then went back to Christine's. After lunch Jan, Val, Chris and I sat at the table doing our homework. At 5.30 Chris and I changed into old slacks and sweaters and then went out and met Carol, Lyndsay, Viv and Rosemary. Then we nervously went into the hall and sat on a table together. We were soon jiving with each other. Then Mr G came and the party began. It was lovely! We played some gorgeous games and it was all such fun! We played a sort of Pass the Parcel only there were forfeits like find the boy who is the most ticklish, or find the girl with the smallest waist. This boy measured mine and said I was 21 inches and I couldn't possibly have been as I am 24–25 inches. There was also a husband and wife game in the dark! But one game you had to sit on the boys' laps. Ken said, 'Oh, this is better,' and put his arms round me! I think he's smashing!!!

  I went very eagerly to Youth Fellowship the next day.

  Sunday 24 January

  Went to Y.F. in the afternoon. Carol went too, and seemed to enjoy herself. I sat next to Michael Young. When we stood up to sing Ronnie put a hymn book on my chair and I sat down straight on it. Isn't he a beast! Ken said, 'Excuse me, Jacqueline.' Oh well, I'm getting on!

  Monday 25 January

  Today Chris has done nothing but talk and think of Peter Lock, the boy who she danced with on Sat. and I have done nothing but talk and think of Ken. I think he is wonderful, and very good looking in his own way. He is about 16 or 17 and goes to work. He lives in New Malden. He has a little sister Geraldine who goes to Brownies and his father is a Cub master. Ken has a fair sort of long crew cut and lovely eyes. I gleaned this information from Chris about his age and family etc., the rest I observed. I only wish he had been my husband in the game on Sat. because lots of the others were kissing!

  Thursday 28 January

  We had another Maths theorem test, worst luck. I still think of Ken an awful lot. Chris has told me that Glenda told her in strictest confidence, mind you, that he smoked a lot. I don't care!

  Friday 29 January

  Saw Glenda at dinner time and casually mentioned Ken. It was obvious she hates him, but she said he didn't drink or anything, just smoked. What's wrong with a boy of seventeen or so that smokes?

  Sunday 31 January

  After roast dinner dashed off to Y.F. It was terribly hot in that little room, and I almost fell asleep, except that I was so intent on trying to screw my head round and look at Ken. We had to discuss some questions Mr Golden gave us. I had to be in that horrible S— boy's group. Ugh, I think he's awful. So overbearing, aggressive, almost fatherly!

  Monday 1 February

  You'll never ever guess who I saw by Norbiton station. Ken! I almost fell over with surprise! He was riding a bike and wearing blue jeans. I could recognise that fair crew cut anywhere. I don't think he saw me. Next Sunday I'm going to ask him if it was him. I hope he'll tell me where he works. I only hope he hasn't got a girlfriend. I know he used to like Anne Wilkins, Johnny's sister, but I don't think he does any more.

  Tuesday 2 February

  Saw him again this morning. He looked at me as if he recognised me this time. Next Sunday looms ahead! I have a shocking cold, but I don't feel a bit depressed. I feel very happy, and you can guess why!

  Wednesday 3 February

  I went down the hill and saw Ken. Oh, you'll never guess where I saw him go! Kingston Hill Motor Works. Bang next door, almost! I'm ever so excited about that!

  Thursday 4 February

  Saw my Ken again this morning. Sue can't understand what I see in him as he isn't really handsome. I don't know myself what it is, except that I like him so much.

  Friday 5 February

  Saw him again. It is wonderful being able to see him every day. It makes the day start off right, and puts me in a good mood straight away.

  Sunday 7 February

  Woke up early this morning. I put the light on, did my hair, and then settled down to homework. Oh how I HATE it. It rules my life, it does really.

  In the afternoon went to Y.F. Us girls were the first there (I got a lift in Carol's car) and Mr Golden asked us to put the chairs out. We only put the girls' out. Mr G asked where the boys would sit and Chris said 'On our laps,' whereupon Mr G replied 'A good idea!' Didn't get a chance to talk to Ken as he came late and went early. We talked about newspapers; it was quite interesting. When he stood up to sing Ronnie and John put a hymn book on Brian Tiplady's chair. He sat down, and almost fell off again. It was so funny!

  I was so obsessed with Ken that I thought it worth writing in my diary on 9 February: 'Saw Ken but only a glance as I went past him on the bus.' On 10 February I didn't even see him and thought this important enough to record: 'Didn't see Ken today, worst luck. Chris and Sue told me to call out hello to him next time I see him. I think I will, you know. I wonder what will happen!'

  Nothing much! On 11 February: 'I didn't see Ken again but Chris told me she saw him on her way home from school, the lucky thing.'

  I didn't mention him for a day or two, and then:

  Sunday 14 February

  At Y.F. Mr Golden suggested that we girls should make a cloth for the table. No fear! I'm hopeless at needlework. We talked about adverts this week and it was very interesting. We had to divide up into two groups and think up as many adverts as we could in 10 minutes, like 'Cadum for Madam' and 'Hey diddle diddle there's a hole in the middle'. We thought of piles including 'Goodnight, sleep tight, and don't forget to use Harpic every night'. Us girls had hysterics when Mr G started talking about 'home helps'. [Why?] Ken dashed off like last week so didn't get a chance to talk to him. But actually my interest is decidedly waning as he is rather scruffy. I'll just have to find someone else.

  It didn't take me long.

  Wednesday 17 February

  Saw CRAIG going home. Oh, I think he is so nice but I mustn't let on to anyone.

  Craig? He was a blond boy who lived in our flats. There'll be more about h