Girls in Tears Read online

  'Yes, but I bet she'd have wanted to work once I was at school. She'd have been a brilliant graphic artist, just like Anna's brilliant at her designing. That's what you can't stick, Dad. You're not brilliant. You want us all to look up to you and think you're wonderful. Well, you're not. The only thing you're brilliant at is making us all unhappy.'

  'Well, now I know,' says Dad, and he walks out, slamming the door.

  I'm left standing there, wondering if I want to go shrieking down the front path after him.

  Maybe I've said enough.

  I'm shaking. Anna comes and puts her arm round me, taking me back into the kitchen. She pours me a cup of tea. Eggs is staring at us, his spoon of cereal dripping slowly up his sweater sleeve.

  'You shouted at Dad, Ellie!' says Eggs. 'You'll get into big trouble.'

  'I don't care,' I say, sipping my tea. My teeth clink against the china. I look at Anna. 'I'm sorry. I just couldn't help coming out with it.'

  'I know,' says Anna, patting my shoulder. 'Don't worry so, Ellie. It might just all blow over.'

  'It might not,' I say and I give her a quick hug.

  I think about what might happen as I walk to the bus stop. I play the kids' game of not stepping on the cracks of the pavement. If I can make it all the way to school then Dad and Anna won't split up. I used to long for that to happen. I wanted Anna to clear off with Eggs so that it could be just Dad and me. But now that's not what I want at all. I'd hate it to be just Dad and me – or Dad and me and some new girlfriend. I'd feel as out of it as Russell.

  I think of him longingly. I touch my ring, twisting it round and round. Maybe we'll stay together for ever and then we'll have our own place. We won't ever be lonely any more. We'll have each other. . .

  I close my eyes and whisper Russell's name – and very nearly walk straight into the blond guy, Mr Dream Man. He sidesteps neatly.

  'Whoops! Collision avoided – just!'

  'I've got my punchbag rucksack under control, don't worry.'

  'Not in such a hurry today? What were you daydreaming about, eh? Your boyfriend?'

  'Maybe,' I say, blushing.

  'Ah, sweet! True love, eh?'

  'I think so.'

  I know so. I think about Russell all the way to school. I remember the way he kissed me just last night. I feel my whole body weaken at the thought of his touch. But at the corner of my mind's eye little Ellie Elephant droops her head, trunk trailing, forced to do all sorts of new tricks for Russell when she's mine and she only wants to do things my way.

  I can't wait to see Magda and Nadine. I desperately need to tell them all about Dad and Anna and see if they think this is deadly serious.

  I also want to ask them about Russell and exactly how far they think I should go. We often talk about it. We even have different numbers for various activities. Nadine went way down the list with Liam, but Magda has always been surprisingly prim and insists she's never going to do more than kiss until she's in a proper relationship later on. But this is now, not later, and Russell and I are in a proper relationship. I need Magda and Nadine's advice.

  They're both at school when I get there, sitting squashed up together on a desk, legs dangling. Nadine whispers to Magda and they both splutter with laughter.

  'Hi! What's the big joke, then?' I say.

  They look at each other. Nadine shakes her head ever so slightly. 'Oh, nothing,' she says.

  'Yeah, we were just messing about,' says Magda.

  I stare at them, my heart thudding. Nothing! They've got some private secret joke going between them and I'm not in on it. But we always share everything. We're best friends, the three of us. I suddenly feel like some sad little toddler shut out of the Wendy house at nursery school while my two little friends play happily inside.

  'Come on, you guys. It's me, Ellie.' Then I get it. 'Oh, so the joke was about me, right?'

  'Wrong,' says Magda, but she isn't looking me in the eye.

  'Mags? Naddie? Look, you were laughing your heads off and then you looked up and saw me and shut up quick. So you were obviously having a laugh about me.'

  'Oh Ellie, don't be so paranoid,' says Nadine, sliding down from the desk and reaching in her schoolbag for her hairbrush. 'We were having a little joke about a boy, if you must know.'

  'Yeah, but which boy? My Russell, by any chance?' I say, starting to get angry now.

  'Oooh, your Russell, eh?' says Nadine. 'You're such a couple now, Ellie. Yet you were always the one who nagged me for abandoning my girlfriends when I went out with Liam.'

  'You got all shirty with me too when I went out with Mick, remember? Yet now you don't even dream of coming round to my place to help me get over poor Fudge's death. You just rush off with Russell.'

  I blink at them both. What's the matter with them? We're not quarrelling, are we? I can't stand it if we are. They're my best friends. Nadine and Magda mean all the world to me.

  I didn't realize they'd be so upset because I didn't go round to Magda's for their little-girly pet funeral. And I'm not sure Magda's that devastated about her hamster. She never made a fuss of Fudge when she was alive. Still, I do feel a little bit bad that I didn't go round to her place.

  'Did you have a proper funeral?' I ask humbly.

  'We certainly did,' says Nadine.

  'Yeah, Naddie made the most brilliant coffin. She painted a shoe box black and lined it with a purple silk scarf. I popped poor little Fudge into this black lace glove. She looked so sweet, though she'd started to get just a little bit stinky. Oh dear!' Magda sniffs mournfully.

  I'm starting to wish I'd gone after all.

  'We had this amazing gothic funeral. Well, more Viking, really, because we ended up sending Fudge off on a little sail towards Hamster Valhalla.'

  'We were going to dig a grave but Magda just had this ancient plastic seaside spade and I mucked up two of my nails scrabbling in all that earth, so we took Fudge down to the river instead.'

  'In a procession, both of us wearing black veils. These boys biked past us and started yelling stuff, so I said we were going to a funeral and they should show more respect. Then they felt really mean and started chatting properly, but Nadine sent them packing.'

  'Well, they were just kids.'

  'They were Year Ten!'

  'Yeah, like I said. Kids' says Nadine.

  'Just because you're seeing this nineteen-year-old,' I say.

  Nadine looks at Magda. Magda looks back. They give each other a secret little smirk.

  'What?' I say. 'Oh come on, don't be like that. Magda. Nad. Tell me!'

  But Mrs Henderson comes trotting into class in her trainers and tells us all to be quiet.

  I'll have to find out later.

  Chapter Eight

  Girls cry when

  their friends

  say they're fat

  Eight

  Girls cry when

  their friends say they're fat

  I have to wait until lunchtime. There's no time at all at break. Mrs Henderson keeps us so late at PE that we're still on the flipping hockey pitch when the bell goes. We waste a full fifteen minutes rushing in and out of the showers and shoving our clothes back on. I ladder my tights trying to yank them up too quickly My hair goes horribly frizzy and won't get brushed into submission. I feel like throwing my hairbrush at the mirror.

  I hate the way I look. Magda and Nadine have got such gorgeous figures. Nadine looks so slender and willowy and wonderful. Magda is very curvy but in all the right places. I curve everywhere. I just hate my stomach bulging over my knickers and my whacking great thighs, especially when they're bright pink from running round the hockey pitch.

  Maybe I'll try to lose just a little bit of weight again. I won't go really mad like last term. But if I just lost a few pounds ...

  It's pizza for lunch. I'm so starving hungry I eat a huge slice, and chips. Then I decide I might as well go the whole hog now, and select a big cream bun for pudding.

  Magda, Nadine and I go to our favourite na