Double Act Read online

Who’d ever want to come and have a holiday in this old dump? All right, the shop did get quite busy last Saturday and Sunday, but hardly anybody bought anything.

  There were the hikers and they left mud all over the place. There were the bikers and they dripped ice-cream everywhere.

  And there was that family who asked to use the toilet.

  None of that lot bought a sausage.

  One of the bikers bought an old Beano annual.

  Oh, big deal. I’m telling you, Garnet. Dad’s going to go bust in six months.

  Come on, let’s play. Make the most of our free time. Because we’re starting at our new school on Monday, yuck yuck yuck.

  SIX

  IT’S AWFUL. WE knew it would be. It’s like a little toy school. There’s hardly any playground. There aren’t any computers. There isn’t even a television. The teacher writes stuff up on a blackboard and we sit at these dinky little desks with lids and inkwells. It’s like the sort of classroom you get in a cartoon.

  Miss Debenham isn’t a bit like that, Ruby! This is Miss Debenham.

  Yes, and she made me feel positively sick and squirmy inside when she stood us in front of the class and introduced us – and as if we needed introducing anyway. We’re famous in this dreary dump of a village. Everyone knows us.

  Especially Jeremy Treadgold and his gang.

  Fancy that great Blob being in our class. It’s a wonder he can cram himself into the teeny-weeny desk. Imagine having to sit next to him.

  I’m glad we can sit together, anyway. Miss Debenham asked us what we’d prefer. Teachers don’t usually ask you stuff like that, they just tell you what they want you to do. And I like some of the lessons, like when we had to write about twins.

  You can be a real smarmy little creep at times! I had it all sussed out.

  THE GOOD THINGS ABOUT BEING A TWIN

  THE BAD THINGS ABOUT BEING A TWIN

  And then you were supposed to do your mirror-writing trick. It would have been so brilliant:

  THE GOOD THINGS ABOUT BEING A TWIN

  THE BAD THINGS ABOUT BEING A TWIN

  It would have been PERFECT. An answer, and a twin answer. Identical, like us.

  But oh no, Miss Suck-up-to-the-teacher-smarty-farty has to write all that rubbish.

  THE GOOD THINGS ABOUT BEING A TWIN

  THE BAD THINGS ABOUT BEING A TWIN

  Very bad, Garnet! Do you really want to be left alone? OK, I’ll run off the next time that Big Blob tries to get us.

  Oh, that was so awful! He crept up on us with this huge great wiggly worm in either hand, and I can’t stand worms.

  Well, I’m not absolutely enchanted with them myself. Especially not squirming down my jumper. But I got mine out. I shoved it straight down the Big Blob’s trousers!

  Judy said he once put a worm down her neck too. Judy just about went bananas. She said—

  I’m not the slightest bit interested in Judy and what she said. I don’t know why you wanted to go off with her.

  She’s quite nice, Ruby, really she is. And I didn’t go off with her, you know that. Miss Debenham said she wanted us to do this big Noah’s Ark painting to brighten up the classroom wall and she was going round the whole form asking them which animal they wanted to paint, and I kept hoping nobody else would bag a giraffe, because they’re our favourite animal, so when she got to us I said, ‘Giraffe’ quick. And Miss Debenham smiled at you too and said, ‘And you’ll do a twin giraffe, right, Ruby?’

  So I said, ‘Wrong, Miss Debenham. I don’t want to paint any stupid old giraffe.’

  But why did you say that? And why did you have to choose a flea for your animal?

  Simple. One little blob. Flea finished. And if you’d only shut up and waited for me to answer old Dumbo Debenham, you could have done a flea too. Then we could have just sat and mucked around for the rest of the lesson. But oh no, you have to go off with that ghastly Judy girl and paint stupid giraffes with her.

  I didn’t go off – well, not deliberately. I couldn’t help it that Judy said she wanted to do a giraffe too. And I tried to back out, you know I did. But Miss Debenham said, ‘No, come on, Garnet, you said you’d like to do a giraffe. So you can do the giraffes with Judy. Never mind what Ruby wants to do.’

  Yes, never mind me.

  Oh, Ruby. Don’t be like that.

  I’ll be exactly how I want. If you want to pal around with Judy then fine, you go off with her.

  I don’t want to pal around with her.

  So why did you let her tag around with us at playtime then? Going gab gab gab until I felt like punching her in the gob.

  Well, what could I do? I couldn’t tell her to go away.

  I could.

  You did. You were ever so rude to her. And I keep telling you, Ruby, she’s good fun, she really is – you’d like her if you could bother to get to know her.

  I’m not going to get to know any of them. OK. You go and have good fun with your super new friend. Pal around with her all you like. Just don’t expect to pal around with me.

  Ruby! Don’t let’s quarrel. I hate it so. Ruby, come back. Please.

  SEVEN

  RUBY?

  I can’t STAND it when Ruby won’t talk to me. It’s as if most of me goes missing. As if my own mouth won’t work, my own hands won’t hold.

  She’s right. I was crazy to write that stuff about being a twin. It’s awful being on your own.

  Ruby wouldn’t talk to me all yesterday evening. When I tried saying anything she put her hands over her ears and went Bla-bla-bla so she couldn’t hear.

  After we’d had tea, Ruby went up to our room and started reading an old Beano annual. I said I was sorry, but she didn’t look up. I tried putting my arm round her but she wriggled away. I took hold of the Beano annual to make her look at me but she grabbed it back and hit me on the head with it. It hurt quite a lot, but that wasn’t really why I was crying.

  Ruby didn’t take any notice at all.

  My nose started to run so badly that I had to go and get a tissue. Rose saw me before I could mop myself up.

  ‘Oh, sweetie,’ she said, and she pulled one of her chiffony scarves off her neck and wiped my nose with it. ‘Hey, I’m just popping down to that video shop because there’s nothing good on telly tonight. Come and help me choose a good film, eh?’

  I didn’t know what to do. I knew Ruby would never forgive me if I palled up with Rose. But it didn’t look like she would ever forgive me anyway.

  ‘Come on, we’ll get some chocs too,’ said Rose. She rubbed her tummy. ‘I’ve put on a good half-stone since we got here. Still, never mind, eh?’

  I wanted to go with Rose. Ruby might not even know unless she looked out of our window. No, who was I kidding? It’s like Ruby can look through a little window straight into my head.

  ‘I’d better not,’ I mumbled to Rose. ‘I mean, I don’t feel like it.’

  ‘You don’t always have to do what Ruby wants,’ Rose said.

  She can tell us apart now. Unless we deliberately trick her. She thinks she’s getting to know us. But she can’t ever really understand. I don’t always get it myself. But I do have to do what Ruby wants. Because if I don’t, this happens. And it’s so horrid.

  Rose usually chooses love films with big hunky men, but this time she brought back The Railway Children. It’s one of my all-time favourite films, but generally when we watch it Ruby mucks around and mocks all the accents and at the end when Bobbie runs to her father at the station and it’s so lovely, Ruby makes sick noises and switches it off before it’s finished.

  Dad raised his eyebrows a bit when he saw which film it was, but he didn’t say anything. He usually sits on the sofa with Rose, but this evening he sat in the armchair and he caught hold of me and sat me on his lap while Rose put her feet up on the sofa, a box of Cadbury’s Dairy Milk balanced on her tummy. She kept throwing Dad and me chocolates. I said I wasn’t very hungry thanks, but Dad popped my favourite chocolate fudge into my mouth as I spoke and I c