Katy Read online

  It was also another desperate struggle to get into bed itself. My arms seemed to have lost all their strength and I’d forgotten the knack of swinging myself round. By the time I was lying flat I was trembling with exhaustion.

  Izzie drew the curtains to shut out the sunlight. She ruffled my hair as if I were one of the littlies and then went out of the room. I was left there, alone in my new room that didn’t belong to me at all. I cried and cried, muffling my sobs as best I could because I didn’t want Dad or Izzie to come back. I wanted my mum more than anything, but I couldn’t conjure her up.

  It was a long time before I could go to sleep, but then I dozed most of the day, just waking up at lunchtime to have a bowl of tomato soup. It was Izzie’s own home-made soup and it tasted especially good after the hospital’s watery variety, but I couldn’t bring myself to compliment her.

  Then suddenly there was a lot of shouting and banging of doors and I realized the children had come home from school. I thought they’d come bursting in on me at once, but I heard Izzie hushing them severely and whispering that they must be very quiet and only stay with me a few minutes because I was very weak and tired.

  ‘No, I’m not!’ I shouted. ‘Come here! Come and see me! Quick!’

  So they all came rushing in, Clover and Elsie and Dorry and Jonnie and Phil. The littlies climbed right up on the bed and Clover took one of my hands and Elsie the other. They all talked at once.

  ‘Careful, careful!’ Izzie commanded, but they took no notice, and Dorry heaved himself hard on to my lap so that there was very nearly a nasty accident.

  ‘Hey, big lump, shift yourself!’ I said quickly, terrified I might wet myself.

  Dorry rolled right off the bed again, looking hurt.

  ‘I’m not a big lump. You mustn’t call me that even though you’re ill,’ he said mournfully.

  ‘Sorry, sorry. You’re a big boy, that’s all, a fine big boy. And I’m a useless lump and you can call me that all you like, because it’s true,’ I said, reaching out to take hold of his hand and squeeze it.

  ‘Did you like our spiders, Katy? Mine is the one with the smiley face. I didn’t want it to look too fierce in case it frightened you,’ said Jonnie.

  ‘Did you like my ockypus?’ Phil demanded. ‘I know it has to have eight legs, Mum told me, but I don’t think I’ve quite managed eight.’

  ‘Our shell box is the best though,’ said Elsie. ‘Clover and me made it and we were soooo careful, choosing all the shells the right size and setting it out just so. We wanted it to be truly special, didn’t we, Clover?’

  ‘It is special. All your presents are very, very special and I love them,’ I said.

  ‘Oh Katy, I can’t believe you’re home at last!’ said Clover, hugging me, but very gently. ‘I’ve begged Izzie to let me have my bed down here too, but she won’t let me.’

  ‘So I go in Clover’s room because she’s missing you so,’ said Elsie happily.

  I hated the thought of Clover and Elsie cuddled up together. I hated feeling so helpless while the littlies clambered all over me. I was so used to romping with them and giving them piggybacks and tossing them into the air until they squealed. I hated not feeling in charge of everything. The children were all talking at once again, telling me things about school, and it was hard not to feel muddled.

  ‘Mr Robinson sent his particular best wishes to you, Katy. He’s so worried about you,’ said Clover. ‘He kept me back at playtime to ask all about you. Oh, he’s such a lovely teacher, isn’t he?’

  It felt so strange that he was no longer my teacher. I didn’t go to Newbury Road Primary any more. I didn’t go anywhere. My head ached just at the thought of doing lessons again. My brain seemed to have stopped working as well as my legs.

  ‘Come on now, children. You’ve got juice and cookies in the kitchen. Give Katy a bit of peace for now,’ said Izzie.

  They all protested, even Dorry, who usually charged kitchenwards at the first hint of a cookie. I protested too, but I was secretly glad when Izzie shooed them all away nevertheless. I was left by myself. I lay back, exhausted, feeling all the blood jangling in my head and down my arms and my heart thumping in my chest as if I’d been running hard. I felt absolutely nothing in my stomach and hips and legs. It was as if I was only half a person now, a dreary old granny figure who had to be left to have her nap.

  I felt tears dripping out of my eyes again and I reached up and slapped my face hard, because I so hated this weak, wailing, self-pitying creature who had taken me over. I longed with all my heart and soul to be Katy again. My family loved me dearly but they didn’t understand.

  I longed to be back in hospital where everyone understood. Especially Dexter. I wanted to send him an email. Dad’s laptop was in my suitcase from the last time he’d lent it to me, just before I came out of hospital. The suitcase was on the other side of the library. I heaved myself up on my elbows, trying to work out how to get hold of it. I’d have to transfer back into my wheelchair and then ferry myself across the room, reach down for the case, struggle with opening it, get myself all the way back to the bed while trying to balance the laptop on my knees, then put it on the bed where it wouldn’t be nudged off, and then haul myself and my dead legs back on to the bed, under all the covers.

  It was exhausting even thinking of it. I could call Izzie or Clover and they’d fetch it for me. But I didn’t want to be reduced to calling for help every single time I needed to do anything at all. I wanted to do everything for myself.

  I remembered how I’d struggled to be independent when I was very little, after Mum had died. When Izzie arrived she had tried to take over. Clover had been too small and biddable to protest, but I had thrown a tantrum any time Izzie attempted to brush my hair or button my coat or do up my shoes.

  ‘I do it!’ I’d yelled again and again, so I went round with my hair hanging over my face, my coat lopsided and my shoes falling off.

  Then I heard a ring at the door and Cecy’s mum talking, and Cecy herself, sounding high-pitched and anxious. It didn’t sound like she was very keen to see me. Maybe her mum had insisted. There was Izzie again, ‘ … I’m not sure … Katy Katy … very tired …’

  ‘No, I’m not!’ I shouted.

  I felt scared of seeing Cecy in case she was all weird again, but I couldn’t bear Izzie thinking she knew best all the time.

  So she ushered Cecy and Mrs Hall into the room, opening the curtains again. The daylight made me blink. I’d thought hours had gone by but clearly it had only been a matter of minutes.

  Cecy was wearing her new Springfield uniform, white blouse, navy-and-red tie, navy skirt. It suited her.

  ‘Hello Katy, dear. Oh, you look lovely and comfy in here,’ said Cecy’s mum brightly.

  ‘We’ll try and make it a bit prettier if this is going to be Katy’s room permanently,’ said Izzie. ‘Luckily we’ve already got a shower in the downstairs loo. And we’ll get a stairlift for the stairs … that’ll make life a lot easier.’

  ‘Oh goodness, Izzie. It’s turned your life upside down, hasn’t it?’ said Cecy’s mum. ‘I feel so sorry for you.’

  What??? I was the one who’d had the accident and was stuck in bed unable to do the slightest thing for myself, I was the one who couldn’t run or dance or play properly with the littlies, I was the one who couldn’t go to secondary school with all the others, I was the one who’d get pointed at and ridiculed or pitied, I was the one who’d never be able to have proper mates on an equal basis, I was the one who’d never get a boyfriend, I was the one who couldn’t ever have a proper career, I was the one who couldn’t ever manage in my own house, I was the one who would have to be treated like a helpless baby forever.

  I didn’t say any of this, but perhaps it was plain what I was thinking, because Izzie steered Cecy’s mum away to the kitchen for a cup of tea. ‘So that the girls can talk.’

  Well, that was a stupid thing to say. Cecy and I just stared at each other. Both of us swallowed hard, but any words