Hockey Holidays Read online

  “Talk to me.” Ella sat on the couch and hugged a throw pillow. “Tell me everything.”

  Ty ran a hand over his jaw before settling down next to her. “I'm an addict, Ella. I've been an addict since I was sixteen. I moved away from home—my aunt’s house—so I could play hockey. The McDonough family hosted me, and around that time, I got into some bad shit. It started with beer and joints. Then I moved on to coke. That’s when shit got crazy. All I cared about was getting high, getting laid, and playing hockey.

  “Mr. McDonough—Mac—he helped me get clean and sober. He was like my father, and he didn't take any shit from me. When I refused to listen, he threatened to tell my coach. If Mac hadn't intervened, I probably wouldn't be here today.” He shrugged. “That’s part of the reason I bought Mac’s house when he decided to move his family to Barrie. He’d done so much for me as a kid, and I wanted to help him out. I’d had one year of professional hockey under my belt by then, and with my contract, I could afford it. Besides, if I’d never bought that house, I wouldn’t have met you when your family moved next door.”

  “Why didn't you ever tell me about any of this?”

  “Because it had been years since I'd done that shit. It was in my past.” He waved a hand. “Not that it mattered. The whole town still saw me as bad news. Fast hands on the ice, faster hands off of it with women.” He paused. “But not you. To you, I was just Ty, the guy next door. The guy at Sherry's Halloween party who teased you about your sexy ladybug costume.”

  Ella shook her head. “It's true that I never heard about the drugs, Ty. But I knew all about your reputation with women.”

  He raised his eyebrows. “You did?”

  “Yeah. Sherry warned me about you. Said you'd use me and throw me away.”

  “Then why didn't you run?”

  “Because that wasn't the man I knew,” she said softly. “You were caring and funny. Quiet and thoughtful. I could be myself with you. But I guess you weren't as comfortable around me, or you wouldn't have hidden this.”

  He took her hands in his. “No, El. With you, I finally felt free. I didn't want you to know my past because I didn't want to ruin that feeling.” He paused. “Maybe that was selfish of me, I don't know. But in my mind, I wasn't that guy anymore. I finally had everything I wanted—success, money, and the perfect relationship.”

  “Ty, our relationship wasn't perfect. I worked too much trying to build up my freelance graphic design business, and I didn't make as much time for us as I should have when you were home.”

  “El, that was work. I understand—”

  “No.” Ella held up a hand. “I'm not finished. I take responsibility for that. But I also stopped trying so much to connect, because let's face it, Ty, you aren't the most forthcoming with your feelings. For so long, I was desperate for more intimacy with you. And I don't mean sex. I wanted you to share your feelings. To confide in me like I did with you. You would always shut down when things got difficult, and I felt like I was left standing in the cold, alone.”

  He dragged his hands down his face. “I'm sorry. Deep, emotional shit… It's never been something that's been easy for me. When my parents died, I just learned to shove everything down and do whatever it took to keep the status quo. It's a shit coping mechanism, and it doesn't work.”

  Ella looked at him thoughtfully. “At least you recognize that now.”

  “Yeah. When I got traded to Winnipeg and kept getting caught in a cycle of injury, I got scared. Like my body was giving out on me, and let's face it, being known as a player who's prone to injury isn't a good thing. Hockey is the only fucking thing I know how to do, El. I felt helpless. I was just sitting around, waiting to heal. And I was in so much pain from some of those injuries.

  “At first, I just fought through the pain. I knew deep down that taking shit could lead me down a bad path. But eventually, it got to be too much. I ignored my gut and took too many pain meds, and they got me high.” He hesitated. “It's fucked up, but I missed that feeling. And I got sucked right back into that life—living for the next high. Abusing the medication.”

  When he looked over at her, the sadness on her face nearly did him in.

  “I wish I could have been able to set aside my fucking pride and talk to you about it. But I couldn't. By then, I couldn't stop. I never wanted you to see me like that, Ella. I got back on the coke after I ended things between us. I was so fucked up,” he whispered. “So goddamned lost.”

  “Oh, Ty.” She drew in a deep breath and met his eyes. “But you're clean now, right?”

  “Yeah. For well over a year now. The first time I got clean as a teenager, I threw myself into hockey and girls. I shoved it all down. Mac got me help, but I didn’t take advantage of everything available to me at the time. I was a stupid kid and thought I could handle things myself, but I know better now. I see a therapist. I go to meetings. I have the proper tools to help me. The team knows, and I have resources available there, too. They've been amazing.” He squeezed her hand. “But I'm always going to be an addict, Ella. Even if I never use again, which is my plan, I'll still be an addict.”

  She hugged the throw pillow tightly, nodding. “I understand.”

  “When you're first getting clean, they recommend not being in a relationship for a year. It was the right thing in hindsight for my recovery, but staying away from you? Not reaching out when I knew you had to be hurting? I'm so fucking sorry. I was just afraid that if I tried to contact you before I had my shit together, then I'd end up hurting you even more than I did before. I would have tried to get back together with you, El, and I wasn’t equipped to handle that yet. I had to work on myself first before I could work on fixing the damage I’d caused to us.”

  She stared up at him, stunned. “That's why you didn't reach out? I-I thought you didn't care. That you'd moved on and didn't want anything to do with me.”

  “No. God no.” He reached out and gave her hand a gentle squeeze. “I was fucked up for months after we broke up, and I couldn't bear to face you, but after that, I got into recovery and worked on getting clean.”

  Ella bowed her head, her pretty blonde and pink waves hiding her face. “You said you couldn't quit me. That you craved me. Am I just another addiction?”

  “No, sweetheart. That was me trying to convey how strong my feelings are for you. I love you, Bug.”

  Ella's pretty, sea-colored eyes grew misty, and she looked away. She opened her mouth to speak, then closed it quickly. Her shoulders slumped, and she covered her face with her hands.

  “Excuse me.” She slipped from the room, and moments later, the door to the guestroom closed.

  Ty sank back into the couch. Would this ruin his chances of winning back her heart? He'd kept so much from her; he couldn't blame her for not trusting him.

  He got up and went to the guest room. “El?” He opened the door a crack and found her sitting on the bed.

  “Sorry.” She wiped away her tears with her sleeve. “I didn't want to cry in front of you. Ty, if I'd have known, I would have stood by you through everything.”

  “I know, but I saw myself as the bad guy. I needed to protect you from me.”

  “You aren't the bad guy,” she whispered. “It's just that I keep getting blindsided. Seeing you again, the robbery, staying at your condo, you kissing me and the things you've said, and now this? I'm trying so hard to be logical about my feelings.” Ella glanced up at him. “I was numb when you left me. Seeing you again brought out my anger at first, but now…” She bowed her head again. “I'm afraid to feel anything.”

  “Logic won't win the war you've got going on inside of you,” he said gently. “You're trying to weigh your feelings, like one of them matters more than another. It won't work.”

  Ella peered up at him through lowered lashes, and her breath hitched softly. It set off a chain reaction in him. That little intake of breath had always been a tell-tale sign that she wanted his touch.

  Was he reading too much into it?