Misadventures of a Rookie Read online

  I was holding me back.

  Scooting toward me, Davis rested his head against my arm, and I smiled, touching my head to his. Inhaling hard, I wondered what Gus was doing. I remembered him saying he had a meeting this morning. Glancing at the clock, I realized he was probably there now. Swallowing hard, I prayed that he got his spot. He deserved it. He worked so damn hard, and hell, he was playing with busted ribs and still was killing it. I had never seen someone play the way he did. He was destined for big things.

  I just wasn’t sure if I would be with him through them all.

  I could be, if I would stop being so pathetic and dwelling on the past, but I was so scared. If I fell, if I gave in to the feelings that wanted to suffocate me, I would be his completely. But the last time that happened—well, we know what happened.

  “Boo.”

  With a sigh, I whispered, “Yeah, babe?”

  “Can you come home more? I miss you.”

  My heart warmed as I cuddled closer to him. “I miss you too, honey, and don’t worry. I’m almost done with school, and then maybe I can move back here.”

  He looked up at me. “Really?”

  I smiled, though I know it didn’t reach my eyes. “Maybe. We’ll see.”

  “Will you bring Gus with you? I like that guy.”

  My heart skipped a beat as Davis’s little blue eyes gazed into mine. “Maybe, bud. Okay?”

  He slowly nodded, not looking convinced as he leaned into me, his attention moving to the TV. Leaning against him, I closed my eyes as the tears started to gather in my eyes. I hated not knowing my future. Why couldn’t I just have a plan printed for me that told me everything that would happen so I could make the right choice? Would I be with Gus for the rest of my existence? Would I move back home so I could be closer to Davis? But most of all, would I be happy?

  I just wanted to be happy.

  And the thing was, I was happy with Gus.

  When the credits started on the film, I opened my eyes to see that Davis had fallen asleep, popcorn hanging from his lips. With a smile, I wiped them away and put the kernels back in the bowl, holding back my laughter. He was so damn cute. I really wanted to be home more, but it was hard. I loved my parents, but my mom made it really hard to be around them. I wasn’t sure if her apology was genuine, but I guess we’d see. Either way, I would always love Davis.

  As I moved my fingers through his hair, I wondered what it would have been like if I had been like Lauren Persson, raising him on my own and being the mother he deserved. As much as I wanted to believe I could have done it, I really didn’t think I could have. I was in such a bad spot. The depression and Jesse’s betrayal had messed me up so bad. Thankfully, though, Davis had my parents. Being able to see him like I did, hold him and cuddle him… Most birth mothers didn’t get that.

  But I did.

  But even the joy of having that couldn’t keep my thoughts. No, they kept drifting back to Gus. Rolling to my back from my side, I reached for my phone. Opening it, the first thing I saw was us making kissy faces at the camera. This guy who I thought was nothing but a spoiled, goofy, cocky prick was actually the guy who stole my heart. I almost couldn’t believe it, but I knew it to be true.

  Gus was special.

  Moving to the messages, I opened his text thread, reading the many messages from him asking me to text him back, to call him, but then I noticed a text bubble that indicated he was typing something. It could be a mistake, but what if it wasn’t? Was he texting me right then? Shouldn’t he be in the meeting?

  “Isn’t he beautiful?”

  I jerked my head up to see my mom standing in the doorway. She was wearing a long housedress, her strawberry hair up in a bun on top of her head. Sundays were always lazy days in the St. James house. No one ever got out of their PJs.

  Dropping my phone to my lap, I nodded. “He is.”

  She came into my room, sitting on the chair by the door, watching me. “It’s been really nice having you home.”

  I swallowed hard, looking down at my phone to see that Gus was still typing. Deciding a text wasn’t really coming, I put my phone to sleep. “It has been. I’ve had a lot of fun.”

  She gave me a look. “Have you?”

  I looked away, shrugging my shoulders. “I did when I wasn’t being attacked by you.” I looked up, and she was watching me. “I’m trying so hard to live in the now, but it’s hard, especially when my past keeps being thrown at me.”

  She slowly nodded, and I noticed that her eyes were getting misty, which was surprising. My mom wasn’t a crier. “I think I thought when you got older you’d want him back.”

  I made a face. “Mom, I can’t do that to him. That’s unfair. You’re what he knows.”

  A tear slowly rolled down her face as she nodded. “I know, and I can’t believe I was hopeful for that. I think I just wanted you to realize what you had done.”

  “I know what I did,” I snapped back. “For one, I can’t forget. I wouldn’t forget, but I don’t regret it. He is so much better off.”

  “I know,” she answered with a nod as she wiped her face. “I just, I just worry for you.” She looked up, holding my gaze. “I feel like you’re moving through life with everything that happened chained to you, and you’re dragging it all with you.”

  I blinked. “I am,” I said simply, shaking my head. “I can’t let it go, and when I think I am, something comes up and I reattach the chains.”

  Swallowing hard, she slowly nodded as more tears fell. “Is that why you came home and cried all night?”

  My jaw dropped a bit as I looked down, closing my eyes. “I didn’t realize you heard me.”

  “Daddy and Davis didn’t, but I did.”

  Biting into my lip, I squeezed my eyes shut.

  She asked, “He’s the first guy you’ve been with since Jesse, right?”

  I nodded. “Yeah.”

  “He must be special.”

  I quirked my lips a little. “He’s a pain in my ass.”

  When she laughed quietly, I looked up and she smiled. “The best love is.”

  My chest seized up as I watched her while she watched me.

  “Do you want to tell me what happened?”

  No. Not even kind of, but she was trying. She hadn’t tried in years. Swallowing back the emotion that was trying to suffocate me, I glanced down at my lap. “He figured out things about him,” I said, moving my head toward Davis. “And I blew up at him, told him that I was worried he would do what Jesse did, and I walked out.”

  “Do you really believe he would do that?”

  I looked up. She was leaning on her lap, holding her face in her hands.

  “You told me earlier he was different.”

  “He is.” I licked my lips, fighting back my tears. “He is amazing, he is funny, and he’s so giving. He would do anything for me. But I know he’ll choose his career over me, when he should—he’s talented as hell. But, like Jesse, he loves the attention of ladies—”

  “Stop right there,” she said, and I looked up at her. “Will he act on it?”

  I just blinked. “Huh?”

  “Will he act on the need for the ladies? You know him, so you should know the answer.”

  Silence stretched between us, the only sounds being that of Davis’s soft sleeping. As my eyes started to cloud with tears, I slowly shook my head. “No, he wouldn’t. He loves me.”

  She nodded, her lips curving. “And do you love him?”

  I swallowed hard. “I do.”

  “Okay, then what’s wrong? What are you thinking?”

  I shrugged. “I’m embarrassed by how things played out, and I’m scared that even though I think he won’t hurt me, and that he loves me, he will hurt me. He’s all about these promises, and I hate promises—”

  “With Jesse,” she supplied. “You hate the promises that Jesse made. You know you can’t make this guy pay for Jesse’s mistakes, don’t you?”

  When my tears started to fall, it was no longer beca