Over to You Read online

  The three of them sat happily in the place without a name drinking beer, because beer was the only thing that they served there. It was a long wooden room with an unpolished wooden sawdust floor and wooden tables and chairs. At the far end there was a raised wooden stage where there was a show going on. The room was full of Egyptians, sitting drinking black coffee with the red tarbooshes on their heads. There were two fat girls on the stage dressed in shiny silver pants and silver brassieres. One was waggling her bottom in time to the music. The other was waggling her bosom in time to the music. The bosom waggler was most skilful. She could waggle one bosom without waggling the other and sometimes she would waggle her bottom as well. The Egyptians were spellbound and kept giving her a big hand. The more they clapped the more she waggled and the more she waggled the faster the music played, and the faster the music played, the faster she waggled, faster and faster and faster, never losing the tempo, never losing the fixed brassy smile that was upon her face, and the Egyptians clapped more and more and louder and louder as the speed increased. Everyone was very happy.

  When it was over William said, ‘Why do they always have those dreary fat women? Why don’t they have beautiful women?’

  The Stag said, ‘The Gyppies like them fat. They like them like that’

  ‘Impossible,’ said Stuffy.

  ‘It’s true,’ Stag said. ‘It’s an old business. It comes from the days when there used to be lots of famines here, and all the poor people were thin and all the rich people and the aristocracy were well fed and fat. If you got someone fat you couldn’t go wrong; she was bound to be high-class.’

  ‘Bullshit,’ said Stuffy.

  William said, ‘Well, we’ll soon find out. I’m going to ask those Gyppies.’ He jerked his thumb towards two middle-aged Egyptians who were sitting at the next table, only about four feet away.

  ‘No,’ said Stag. ‘No, William. We don’t want them over here.’

  ‘Yes,’ said Stuffy.

  ‘Yes,’ said William. ‘We’ve got to find out why the Gyppies like fat woman.’

  He was not drunk. None of them was drunk, but they were happy with a fair amount of beer and whisky, and William was the happiest. His brown schoolboy face was radiant with happiness, his turned-up nose seemed to have turned up a little more, and he was probably relaxing for the first time in many weeks. He got up, took three paces over to the table of the Egyptians and stood in front of them, smiling.

  ‘Gentlemen,’ he said, ‘my friends and I would be honoured if you would join us at our table.’

  The Egyptians had dark greasy skins and podgy faces. They were wearing the red hats and one of them had a gold tooth. At first, when William addressed them, they looked a little alarmed. Then they caught on, looked at each other, grinned and nodded.

  ‘Pleess,’ said one.

  ‘Pleess,’ said the other, and they got up, shook hands with William and followed him over to where the Stag and Stuffy were sitting.

  William said, ‘Meet my friends. This is the Stag. This is Stuffy. I am William.’

  The Stag and Stuffy stood up, they all shook hands, the Egyptians said ‘Pleess’ once more and then everyone sat down.

  The Stag knew that their religion forbade them to drink. ‘Have a coffee,’ he said.

  The one with the gold tooth grinned broadly, raised his palms upward and hunched his shoulders a little. ‘For me,’ he said, ‘I am accustomed. But for my frient,’ and he spread out his hands towards the other, ‘for my frient — I cannot speak.’

  The Stag looked at the friend. ‘Coffee?’ he asked.

  ‘Pleess,’ he answered. ‘I am accustomed.’

  ‘Good,’ said Stag. ‘Two coffees.’

  He called a waiter. ‘Two coffees,’ he said. ‘And, wait a minute. Stuffy, William, more beer?’

  ‘For me,’ Stuffy said, ‘I am accustomed. But for my friend,’ and he turned towards William, ‘for my friend — I cannot speak.’

  William said, ‘Please. I am accustomed.’ None of them smiled.

  The Stag said, ‘Good. Waiter, two coffees and three beers.’ The waiter fetched the order and the Stag paid. The Stag lifted his glass towards the Egyptians and said, ‘Bung ho.’

  ‘Bung ho,’ said Stuffy.

  ‘Bung ho,’ said William.

  The Egyptians seemed to understand and they lifted their coffee cups. ‘Pleess,’ said the one. ‘Thank you,’ said the other. They drank.

  The Stag put down his glass and said, ‘It is an honour to be in your country.’

  ‘You like?’

  ‘Yes,’ said the Stag. ‘Very fine.’

  The music had started again and the two fat women in silver tights were doing an encore. The encore was a knockout. It was surely the most remarkable exhibition of muscle control that has ever been witnessed; for although the bottom-waggler was still just waggling her bottom, the bosom-waggler was standing like an oak tree in the centre of the stage with her arms above her head. Her left bosom she was rotating in a clockwise direction and her right bosom in an anticlockwise direction. At the same time she was waggling her bottom and it was all in time to the music. Gradually the music increased its speed, and as it got faster, the rotating and the waggling got faster and some of the Egyptians were so spellbound by the contra-rotating bosoms of the woman that they were unconsciously following the movements of the bosoms with their hands, holding their hands up in front of them and describing circles in the air. Everyone stamped their feet and screamed with delight and the two women on the stage continued to smile their fixed brassy smiles.

  Then it was over. The applause gradually died down.

  ‘Remarkable,’ said the Stag.

  ‘You like?’

  ‘Please, it was remarkable.’

  ‘Those girls,’ said the one with the gold tooth, ‘very special.’

  William couldn’t wait any longer. He leaned across the table and said, ‘Might I ask you a question?’

  ‘Pleess,’ said Golden Tooth. ‘Pleess.’

  ‘Well,’ said William, ‘How do you like your women? Like this — slim?’ and he demonstrated with his hands. ‘Or like this — fat?’

  The gold tooth shone brightly behind a big grin. ‘For me, I like like this, fat,’ and a pair of podgy hands drew a big circle in the air.

  ‘And your friend?’ said William.

  ‘For my frient,’ he answered, ‘I cannot speak.’

  ‘Pleess,’ said the friend. ‘Like this.’ He grinned and drew a fat girl in the air with his hands.

  Stuffy said, ‘Why do you like them fat?’

  Golden Tooth thought for a moment, then he said, ‘You like them slim, eh?’

  ‘Please,’ said Stuffy. ‘I like them slim.’

  ‘Why you like them slim? You tell me.’

  Stuffy rubbed the back of his neck with the palm of his hand. ‘William,’ he said, ‘why do we like them slim?’

  ‘For me,’ said William, ‘I am accustomed.’

  ‘So am I,’ Stuffy said. ‘But why?’

  William considered. ‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘I don’t know why we like them slim.’

  ‘Ha,’ said Golden Tooth, ‘You don’t know.’ He leaned over the table towards William and said triumphantly, ‘And me, I do not know either.’

  But that wasn’t good enough for William. ‘The Stag,’ he said, ‘says that all rich people in Egypt used to be fat and all poor people were thin.’

  ‘No,’ said Golden Tooth, ‘No no no. Look those girls up there. Very fat; very poor. Look queen of Egypt, Queen Farida. Very thin; very rich. Quite wrong.’

  ‘Yes, but what about years ago?’ said William.

  ‘What is this, years ago?’

  William said, ‘Oh all right. Let’s leave it.’

  The Egyptians drank their coffee and made noises like the last bit of water running out of the bathtub. When they had finished, they got up to go.

  ‘Going?’ said the Stag.

  ‘Pleess,’ said Golden Toot