The Ghost Read online

  She felt a flicker of disquiet that she forced away. He would never betray her—even in the name of “right.”

  “And they believed you?” she asked.

  He gave her a wry smile, the first break in the grim exterior since he’d entered the room. “Aye. I suspect they knew our disagreement had something to do with you, but it seems my reputation comes in handy on occasion. They both knew I would not kill a man in cold blood—I imagine they would have been rather shocked to know how close I’d come to doing just that. But I did have some unexpected help from your former guardian.”

  “Sir Hugh?”

  He nodded. “Apparently this isn’t the first time Gifford has been accused of putting a knife in someone’s back. He was seen fighting with a Welsh soldier, and when the man later showed up dead—with a knife wound to the back—Gifford was widely thought responsible but no one could prove it.” He paused. “The Welshman reputedly had a very beautiful wife.”

  Joan’s mouth pursed with disgust, although she was not surprised. She was glad, however, very glad that Alex was not in trouble because of her.

  And Sir Phillip was out of her life forever. She would never again have to see the mocking eyes of the man who’d raped her. Was it so horrible to be relieved?

  “Then it’s over?” she asked, not daring to believe it.

  He nodded and opened his arms. She rushed into them as she’d been wanting to do since he walked in the door. “Aye, my love, it’s over.”

  She allowed herself to be swallowed in his embrace and take all the comfort he offered. His chest was a rock, his arms an anchor, and all that strength and solidity seemed to flow through her. She’d never had to or wanted to rely on anyone like this before, but it was . . . nice. She felt her pulse slow, felt the chill leave her bones, and felt her frayed nerves begin to unwind.

  Taking a deep breath, she pulled away and took a step back. If he was holding her while she did this, she might cry. After all Alex had done for her, he deserved to know the truth about the man he’d killed.

  Taking his lead from earlier, Joan spoke as matter-of-factly and dispassionately as she could about what had happened. But it wasn’t easy; she’d never spoken of it before to anyone. It was her secret. Her shame. And she wanted to keep it that way. But Alex had a right to know.

  “You were right. I was leaving something out. It happened a long time ago, and I’ve forgotten about it.” She stopped. She would not lie to him. Not about this, at least. “Or perhaps it’s more accurate to say that I’ve tried not to dwell on it. But there was more to my history with Phillip than I alluded to.”

  She dropped her gaze, but telling herself not to be embarrassed, she forced it to meet his again and drew a deep breath. “When I was fifteen, I fancied myself in love with him. I was young and naive and prone to daydreams of handsome golden-haired young knights.” She paused to give him a wry look. “I’d seen one at Roxburgh not that long before who’d made quite an impression on me, and I convinced myself that Phillip—a new squire to my guardian—was the embodiment of every young girl’s fantasy I’d ever had. He played the part well. He was charming, gallant, and doted on me as if I were a princess. I think he was genuinely wooing me for marriage.” She shuddered at the idea. “For a time, that is.”

  She thought back to those seemingly happy days and frowned. “There were small signs he was not the man I thought.” She recalled the time she’d walked in on him alone in the stables with a serving girl, whom he’d claimed to not know, and the time he’d come back from the village drunk with a mark on his neck that now she recognized as a love bite. “But I chose not to see them. Just as I chose not to see the subtle changes in his behavior toward me after I was declared a bastard and disinherited.”

  She could see the tension growing in Alex, and realized he’d probably guessed the direction this story was heading. But he seemed determined to let her finish. It was one of the things she loved about him; he respected her not just with his words but with his actions. She hoped what she was about to tell him wouldn’t change his opinion of her.

  “Go on,” he said encouragingly, but with a definite edge in his voice.

  She drew a deep breath. This was the hard part. This was the part where her fantasy had been crushed, stomped on, and shattered—she’d thought forever. “We’d gone off a few times together before. Phillip had snuck a few chaste kisses, but never attempted anything more. He had always been so respectful, I never dreamed . . .” Knowing she was beginning to sound defensive, she stopped and tried again. “I wanted to spend time with him. Alone time. Perhaps it was wrong, but when he asked me to meet him for a private meal down by the loch, I agreed.”

  As the memories grew sharper, her pulse wanted to race, but she forced it to steady. “He was very sweet at first, and he seemed to have thought of everything. It was a feast—with my favorite sugared buns and tarts, and wernage. Aye, plenty of the sweetened wine. I must have been more nervous than I realized, because I drank more than I should have.”

  Alex broke his silence with a curse. “He wanted you to, damn it. That was no doubt part of the plan.”

  Joan smiled wryly. “I know that. But I should have—” She stopped. She couldn’t go back and change anything—her actions or his—no matter how much she wanted. She just didn’t want Alex to think badly of her—or think she was a complete fool. She should have pushed Phillip away the instant he started to kiss her. She wished she had. It wouldn’t have changed what had happened, but it wouldn’t have left her feeling so complicit.

  “I welcomed his kiss at first. I didn’t realize . . .” She forced herself to look Alex in the eye. “I didn’t realize he wouldn’t stop when I wanted him to. I told him to stop. I told him I didn’t want this. I tried to fight back—I did!—but he was strong, and at the time, I had no idea how to defend myself. He pinned me down and forced himself between my legs.” She took a deep breath to calm down before saying the words. “He raped me.”

  It was strange how such ugliness and so much pain could be boiled down into a couple of short sentences.

  Alex hadn’t moved, but she sensed the rage boiling inside him just under the surface, ready to explode.

  “But you know the worst part?” she said. “When it was over, he acted like he’d done nothing wrong. Like I’d wanted it, and now I was just crying because I realized I’d given up for free what should have been bought with a wedding ring. For a while, he even made me question what had happened. But he raped me, Alex. I swear to you, I didn’t want—”

  Alex stopped her with a roar of fury. “Of course you didn’t! God, do you actually think I would believe otherwise? For pity’s sake, you could have been dancing around like Salome with her veils—or without her veils—and it wouldn’t have mattered. You told him to stop. Whether you were drunk, let him kiss you, or anything else, the moment you wanted it to end it should have. That’s what any man with honor or a damned conscience would do.”

  Joan was stunned. She knew that; she just hadn’t known whether he would see it the same way. “I’m not making excuses for him.”

  “Good,” he growled angrily. But she knew it wasn’t at her but at the situation. Alex was a fixer. A rescuer by nature. It would be hard for him to hear this and know there was nothing he could do to change it or make it better. But he was making it better. Just by his reaction, he was making it better.

  “I don’t want to hide from my mistakes.”

  Alex’s jaw tightened. “The way I see it, the only mistake you made was being fifteen. Hell, Joan, we all make mistakes when we are young. That doesn’t mean we deserve to be punished for them with what that bastard did to you.”

  “Not everyone would agree with you. Some people would say I got exactly what I deserved for going off with him alone and allowing him to kiss me.”

  “Then some people are bloody idiots.”

  She smiled. She couldn’t believe it. She’d told him what had happened, and she was actually smiling. She wouldn’t have