Moments of Disarray Read online

  “Please,” Jamie said. “What do I have to do, Alex? I can’t stand it, man. You’re just fucking…gone.”

  “I’ve been gone before.”

  “Not like this,” Jamie said.

  Alex went to the bed, a vast king-sized expanse of white sheets and fluffy pillows. He sat on the edge, facing the television set and the desk and the mini-fridge. He put his hands, loosely linked, between his knees. He studied his feet and the carpet, worn in places where the desk chair’s wheels had rubbed it free of the geometric pattern.

  “We’ve both fucked up,” Jamie said when Alex didn’t answer him. “But that doesn’t have to mean it’s just over, does it? All of the years, our friendship, everything? It can’t just be gone. I won’t let it be.”

  Jamie sat next to Alex, their thighs touching. He took Alex’s hand. Linked their fingers. Squeezed.

  They sat like that for a while, neither speaking. When Jamie shifted to move back on the bed, tugging Alex with him, Alex didn’t protest. Everything in the room had gone misty, like in a dream. He shouldn’t give in to this. More importantly, he shouldn’t let Jamie. Alex would get over this, but Jamie…he’d hold onto it and hate himself when it was over.

  “It will change everything,” Alex said as they lay on their sides, heads on matching pillows, facing each other. He slid his hand up Jamie’s arm to rest on his shoulder. One knee cocked to move between Jamie’s. “I can’t lose you.”

  “You’re not going to lose me. You could never lose me. I love you.” Jamie said this as easily and confidently as he always did. His voice had edged, though, with something sharp and a little broken. “I love you.”

  They clutched each other. There was more than sex in this embrace, this grasping, desperate gripping by them both. Their bodies pressed together. They kissed, yes, but more than that, they buried their faces against each other’s necks. Chests. They burrowed into each other like they were trying to meld.

  Alex could feel Jamie’s hardness between them. His own cock was stiff. How could it not be? This was Jamie, his best friend, the first person Alex had ever loved. They’d danced around this desire for decades.

  The kissing slowed. Their bodies, still pressed together, relaxed. They held onto each other, but the writhing and grinding stopped. Jamie nudged his head into the space between Alex’s neck and shoulder and kept it there. His shoulders rose and fell with a series of sighs, and his entire body trembled.

  Alex put his arms around Jamie. He kissed the top of his friend’s head. They stayed that way long enough for the sun slanting through the window’s slatted blinds to moved across the bed.

  “I love you,” Jamie said against Alex’s neck. “I want to do this with you. But not if you don’t want to.”

  Alex traced circles on Jamie’s back with a fingertip. “Remember how we used to write out words like this? And try to guess them?”

  “Yes.”

  He traced a heart on Jamie’s back. That was cheating a little bit, since it wasn’t a letter but a shape. Jamie sighed again. His hand went to Alex’s hip and rested there.

  “We aren’t going to run away together, Jamie. We aren’t going to live together, doing this. You think you want this — ”

  “I do want it!”

  “You don’t want to take me around to your parents’ house and tell them I’m the new Mrs. Kinney. You don’t want to explain to your boss why I’m at your side at the company picnic. You don’t want to hurt Anne, Jamie. You don’t want to lose her or your marriage for anything. Not even this.”

  Jamie answered after a hesitation. “I know that.”

  “If we do this, it will change everything.”

  “Everything changes,” Jamie said.

  Alex kissed the top of his head again. “I don’t want us to change, Jamie. I’m sorry it can’t be different. But I don’t want us to change who we are to each other. How we are.”

  Sometimes, Alex thought, the words he said in times like this, in these moments of disarray, were the only honest words he ever spoke. He waited for Jamie to argue with him. Maybe, to fight him again. He braced himself for vitriol and fury and disappointment.

  Jamie only kissed Alex’s throat and squeezed him hard enough to almost hurt. Then he sat up. He swung his legs over the bed, facing away from Alex. His shoulders hunched. Every line of his body broadcast his sorrow, but his voice was steady when he said, “Okay.”

  Alex pushed himself up against the headboard and drew his knees in to his chin. He rested his forehead there. He closed his eyes.

  “I came here to do whatever it took to make sure we were good again. That’s all that matters to me,” Jamie said.

  Alex looked up to see his friend staring over his shoulder. “I want us to be good again, too.”

  “Good.” Jamie’s smile didn’t reach his eyes, but it was still a smile.

  For one instant, Alex regretted this choice. He wondered if was always going to do that, try to do the right thing and be sorry for it. He could change it. Jamie’s face told him that. He could reach for his friend and pull him close. Undress him. Kiss him, suck him, fuck him, come with him.

  But he could love Jamie without all that, too. It would last longer and be better for both of them. So instead of giving in to desire, Alex submitted to love, that long-term goal, the best thing and only thing he could offer.

  Chapter 14

  “Come to Cleveland. See the show with me, like old times. That’ll be okay, won’t it?” Jamie looked anxious.

  They’d slept together in that king-sized bed, their bodies touching. Alex hadn’t slept without dreams in so long it felt like he’d drowned. He woke in the darkness to the sound of Jamie in the bathroom. He had a flight to catch, leaving early. He needed to get on the shuttle.

  But first, this.

  “I’ll treat for the tickets, even, how’s that?” Jamie added a smile that seemed a little more genuine.

  Alex nodded. “Sure, man. That sounds awesome. But I’m not coming back home for a while. You know that, right?”

  “Yeah, sure. That’s fine. I don’t blame you for that.” Jamie paused and moved awkwardly to embrace him. He let go too fast.

  Yesterday’s intimacy had been shoved into the background again, but Alex could hardly be upset, could he? He’d been the one to make sure of it. Alex took a step back to put even more distance between them.

  “Will she be there?” Alex asked.

  “Yeah, sure. Of course she will.” He’d said it sort of like a challenge or a test, and a little like he expected Alex to fail it. His expression didn’t so much as twitch. “Is that cool?”

  Alex gave Jamie a long and steady look. “Yeah. It’s cool.”

  They parted ways in the hotel lobby with a handshake. No embrace. What had happened had not ruined them, but it had changed them.

  Chapter 15

  Jamie had told Alex that Anne was going to be at the concert. Alex hadn’t thought to ask him if Jamie had told her. He should have. They’d agreed to meet for dinner and drinks, first. When Alex walked in, it was obvious Anne hadn’t expected him to be there.

  “Hey, fucker.” Jamie stood to greet him.

  They hugged, slapping backs, knuckling biceps. Alex thought about kissing Jamie on the cheek, but did not. Everything was still too raw, too new. The memory of Jamie’s hard cock against him twisted his insides almost worse than the sight of Anne’s face as she saw him for the first time.

  She had not known, and if Alex could have turned on his heel and disappeared without her seeing him, he would have. Her eyes lit, burning, then skated away from his like the sight of him made her sick. Her lips pressed into a thin, grim line. Her expression fucking killed him, a slaughter made more painful because he could tell she thought keeping the secret had been his idea. He took the seat across from her, aware of how close their knees were to brushing, even more acutely aware of how they did not.

  “First round’s on me,” Jamie said. “You can pick up the rest of the tab, moneybags.�€