Moments of Disarray Read online

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I’m not interested in being your self-hating rationale,” he told Luke flatly. “I’m not ashamed of who I am.”

  The lie was sweet instead of bitter. Poisoned sugar on his tongue. He was ashamed of who he was, but for a hundred thousand other reasons, not because he liked dick.

  Luke didn’t move toward him. He sank heavily onto the edge of the bed. “I’m sorry. I’m an asshole.”

  “Yeah. Kind of.”

  Luke lifted his chin. “You want to take a shot at me?”

  “Oh, God. No.” Alex shook his head and laughed, stepping back.

  “I wouldn’t blame you if you did.”

  Luke looked sincere. Apologetic. Big puppy eyes, paired with that bruiser of a body. He might not know how appealing he looked, but then again, Alex thought, he might.

  “You looked like a straight frat boy who’d had just enough to drink to make him not care where the blowjob came from,” Alex told him. “Considering we were in a country bar, I took a chance on getting a punch in the face or my dick sucked. Felt like it could go either way.”

  Luke considered this. “Has that ever happened to you?”

  “I’m pretty fucking irresistible, so not usually. But yes. I’ve guessed wrong a few times.”

  “You weren’t wrong about me,” Luke said this in a voice so low Alex almost didn’t hear him.

  “Nope.” Alex moved closer to nudge apart Luke’s thighs so he could stand between them. He cupped the other man’s face in his hands, tipping Luke’s face upward.

  Luke didn’t say anything else.

  Alex shrugged and moved away from him. “Like I said, there’s the door.”

  Luke stood. “I guess I’ll go.”

  When the other guy had reached the door, Alex said, “I don’t ever have to beg to get laid. And I fucking hate feeling when someone expects sex to equal anything other than getting laid.”

  Luke paused without turning. “Yeah? So?”

  “But I don’t know anyone here, and I had a good time today,” Alex said. “So if you want to hang out again, show me around, I’ve got business here for another week or two. Maybe longer. Maybe less.”

  Still without turning, Luke said, “Yeah, sure. That would be cool.”

  “Cool.” Alex smiled, even though Luke couldn’t see it.

  “I’ve got some stuff I have to do tomorrow, and I have class on Monday, then work. But Tuesday I don’t have class, and I have the day off.”

  “Tuesday, then,” Alex said.

  Chapter 5

  If money couldn’t buy happiness, it sure as hell could rent it for a while. Alex had cash in his pocket and a credit card with a spending limit so vast even he would have a hard time reaching it. Better than that, he had the money in his bank accounts to cover any debt he racked up. He’d worked hard enough to make it possible for him to never work again, or at least for a long time, but what exactly was he supposed to do if he didn’t work?

  He wasn’t going to let himself think about his father, who’d often called him lazy, but there was no denying that not getting up before eleven if he didn’t want to and spending all of Monday watching television hadn’t done much to make Alex feel productive. But fuck the old man, he thought sourly. That asshole could work himself into the ground and never be close to the success Alex had made of himself. Too bad he didn’t have anyone to share it with.

  Again as it almost always did, his mind flashed to Jamie. And then of course, to Anne. It didn’t matter that it was no good to think of her, to remember the taste of her kiss or the scent of her hair. It was no good to tell himself he’d done the right thing by leaving the way he had. None of it was good because he wasn’t good, and he never would be.

  When the knock came at his hotel room door, Alex considered not opening it. He’d made the invitation to Luke in a moment of weakness and truth — he had enjoyed the day with the younger man, and he didn’t know anyone else in Philadelphia, not anyone he could count on to hang out with, anyway. But there’d been more there Alex did not want to think about, and sure as shit did not want to tell Luke. So he tossed around the idea of simply not answering the door, until the knock came again and he groaned under his breath at what an idiot he could be.

  “Brought you coffee,” Luke said when Alex opened the door. His grin broadened. “And chocolate croissants.”

  “You didn’t have to. But thanks. C’mon in.” Alex waved him inside and took the coffee and bakery bag.

  “Are you into, like, weird stuff?”

  The question surprised him. “You mean like getting tied up? Or tying someone up? Or something kinkier than that, like with feet or something?”

  “Like with…feet…what the…?” Luke looked stunned. A crimson flush rose up his throat from where his unbuttoned flannel shirt showed his bare skin above the scooped neck of his t-shirt.

  Alex laughed. “Not what you meant?”

  “I don’t think so, no. I meant like, are you into the world’s biggest ball of twine or carnival side shows, that sort of weird stuff.” Luke shook his head and sipped his own coffee. “Not umm….”

  “Gotcha.” Alex laughed again. “Sorry. I guess so? I mean, sure. Can’t say I’ve ever been to a carnival sideshow. I didn’t even know they still had things like that.”

  “I don’t know if they do, to be honest.”

  Alex stared at the younger guy. “Are you always honest?”

  “Umm…” Luke seemed taken aback, then abashed. “Nobody’s always honest.”

  “That’s the damned truth.”

  Luke frowned, but the expression smoothed after a moment or so. He moved closer to Alex. “I try to be as honest as I can, I guess. What about you?”

  “Not me. I’m a Liar McLiarson. Pretty much every word out of my mouth is a lie,” Alex said.

  “So then you’re lying about being a liar?”

  “I guess you’ll never know,” Alex said. Being charming, because that’s what he was good at.

  Luke had a great laugh. Full bodied. It made Alex smile.

  “I thought we could go check out the Mütter Museum,” Luke said. “It’s got a plaster cast of the original Siamese twins, Chang and Eng.”

  “Whoa.” Alex wasn’t sure what to say about that, other than it sounded messed up. Fun, but messed up.

  “If you don’t want to, we don’t have to,” Luke said hastily. “I just thought —”

  Alex stepped forward and kissed him.

  Luke moaned lightly, his lips parting for the invasion of Alex’s tongue. Alex pulled him closer, pressing their lower bodies together. Grinding a little. He was already getting hard. So was Luke. The meaty thickness of his cock nudged his jeans, and when Alex put a hand between them to cup the other man’s groin, Luke pushed into the touch with a greedy, desperate sigh.

  In the next moment, Luke dropped to his knees and tugged open Alex’s button and zipper. He freed Alex’s cock with a tug, pushing the denim over Alex’s thighs. Luke took Alex’s dick deep into his mouth, no hesitation this time. The head of it nudged the back of Luke’s throat, and it was Alex’s turn to moan.

  He hadn’t expected this, not exactly this, but he wasn’t going to turn it down. He put a hand on Luke’s head, not guiding but encouraging. Luke might not have had much experience, but he made up for that with enthusiasm and generosity. He added a hand to the shaft, stroking as he sucked, the way Alex had told him to that first night.

  It was good. Pleasure was the quickest way Alex had always found to force away any kind of thought — the bad and the good, but it was those dark thoughts he was interested in ignoring now. He let himself fall into the sensations of Luke’s mouth and hand. He pushed forward into the wet, hot grip of Luke’s lips and tongue, focusing on the building ecstasy.

  Sometimes he could get off in minutes. Today it was taking longer. Luke, on purpose or without knowing it, was drawing out the blowjob by switching up the pace and rhythm, keeping Alex on the edge but never letting h