Don't Deny Me Read online

  She should let it go, Alice told herself and took a long drink of lemonade to wash out the bitterness. She turned her face to the sun to soak in the golden glory. She was on vacation, dammit, and she wasn’t going to spoil it with any kind of angst and woe. Beside, didn’t she know better now than to expect more from Mick than whatever he had to offer. Hadn’t she learned her lesson about getting all worked up about something that didn’t have to be such a big deal?

  It wasn’t as though she’d never had a fuck buddy before. A casual lover. Friends with benefits. Oh, since Mick there’d been one or two serious relationships, one that had seemed destined for a white dress and a walk down the aisle, but it hadn’t worked out. And because there was a curse to being self-aware, Alice had to admit it was because that although Brad had been a great guy who treated her well and they’d had a lot in common, when it came to fireworks it might as well have been rain every Fourth of July.

  With Mick, it had always been fireworks.

  Things had been strained between them since the fight about her trip to the beach. Nothing she could point out specifically, but a pervasive tension that left every conversation tasting slightly sour. They’d spent the night together before she’d left for Rehoboth. Dinner. A movie. He’d put air in all her tires and filled her car with gas and changed all the fluids, though she’d told him that she was only driving to Wendy’s house and would make the rest of the trip with her and Raj and the kids. He’d insisted on doing it anyway, as well as updating her GPS even though it took forever and she would far rather have spent the time with him doing something more … fun.

  They’d had sex, of course. And it had been good. Better than that, amazing, really. Mick had spent an hour getting her off, three times before she’d begged him for a break. They’d slept tangled together and woke before dawn to make love again.

  When it came time for her to leave, Alice had kissed his mouth and clung to him, squeezing hard. “I’m going to miss you so much.”

  “Nah,” Mick said. “You’re going to be having too much fun. Me, too, at the lake. Before you know it, we’ll both be home.”

  It was not the reply she’d hoped for, though she’d be damned if she told him that. It shouldn’t grate at her, but it did. So much, in fact, that she’d turned off her ringer this morning and left her phone in a drawer instead of taking it with her. Too bad she couldn’t turn off her brain.

  Not even the sun could burn away the images of Mick in Alice’s mind. The salt breeze tickling the fringes on her bikini top reminded her of his questing fingers and oh, God, his tongue. The splash of chilly water on her thighs when she got up to test the water wasn’t any better. If anything, it only exacerbated the feeling of not having been touched by Mick in three long days.

  “I’m going to walk up to the boardwalk and get some fries. Wanna come along?” Alice asked Wendy, who’d spent an hour or so in the water, body surfing waves with the kids.

  “Hell, yes. And I think we need a beer. Or two.” Dripping and slightly sunburned, Wendy gave her husband a significant look. “Hold down the fort, it’s sister-bonding time.”

  “Can I come, Mama?”

  Wendy gave Mallory a fond look and tweaked her nose. “Nope, kiddo. Me and Auntie Alice are going to eat bad food, drink some grown-up drinks, and check out the cute lifeguards.”

  Mallory made a face. “Okay. Gross.”

  “Bring me back some fries, babe,” Raj said as Wendy leaned to give him a kiss. “Before you run off with a lifeguard, anyway.”

  Wendy laughed. “Sure thing, ding-a-ling.”

  Watching her sister bend to kiss her husband of nine years, Alice, for the first time, felt a pang of envy at her sister’s life. Sure, Wendy and Raj had their share of arguments, but her brother-in-law clearly adored his wife. And told her so, never making her have to guess, Alice thought, barely managing not to slice herself open on her own jealousy.

  “I’m glad you married Raj.”

  Wendy gave her a glance as they navigated the steps from the sand onto the boardwalk. “Me too, most days. But I’m glad to hear you are, too.”

  “He’s a good guy,” Alice said.

  “Yes. I got lucky. Hey, I’m starving,” Wendy said, pointing at a sign on one of the many restaurants lining the boardwalk. “And I think instead of a beer I’m going to have a frozen margarita. Because apparently, that’s what ladies do.”

  “Ladies love frozen drinks.” Alice read the sign aloud and laughed. “Well, I do, and I guess I’m a lady. Let’s do it.”

  Instead of fries, they ordered a plate of nachos and some margaritas and sat under a pretty umbrella with the ocean air cooling them. People watching. Hanging out. Relaxing.

  “So,” Wendy said when the conversation had gone from the style of bathing suits some people really shouldn’t wear to the hazards and joys of day drinking to whether or not their parents were going to insist they all go out to dinner at some crowded restaurant instead of grilling in the rented house’s backyard and how they could convince them otherwise. “What’s up?”

  Alice sipped carefully and licked her lips, tasting salt. The flavor was too much like tears, dammit. She should’ve ordered something sweet, not tangy. “I think it’s over with Mick.”

  “Why, did he stop answering your texts and stuff again? What a jerk.”

  Alice grimaced, appreciating her sister’s outrage, though Wendy was off-base. “No. He answers my texts, at least he does that. We had a fight about me coming here. He thought I’d be going to Bernie’s, but he didn’t even ask me.”

  “You could’ve asked him to come along with us.”

  Alice shook her head. “Ugh. No. Not so last minute, and besides, it would’ve been super awkward for him to meet Mom and Dad here.”

  “Yeah. I guess so.” Wendy swirled the melting margarita in her glass. “How bad was the fight? I mean, bad enough to break up with him?”

  “Not because of the fight, though it’s pretty typical of the way he assumes things.” Alice frowned. “I told him I was going to miss him, and once again, he gave me some lame-ass answer about how we’d both be having too much fun to miss each other. And I thought … really? After all this time, he still can’t just tell me something so simple? It’s stupid.”

  Wendy was silent for a few seconds. “It’s not stupid if it makes you feel bad. Have you told him?”

  “Yes. Of course I have. At least, I think I have.” Alice shook her head. “I feel like I tell him all the time, and he doesn’t listen. Or get it. Or maybe I’m not being clear, shit, I don’t know anymore. All I know is that he says he wants me. But it’s not enough, you know? Wanting. I want a lot of things, that doesn’t mean I’m meant to have them.”

  “Ugh.” Wendy rolled her eyes.

  “I told myself I could just do the ‘fun’ thing. That it didn’t have to mean more, or become more. But it’s always been more with him, that’s the problem.” Alice paused. “I was doing okay, you know? Without him. I thought about him sometimes, sure, but then he swept back in my life and I’m on some kind of magic-cock carpet ride!”

  For a moment, neither sister said a word. Then they both burst into hysterical laughter. Better that than hysterical tears, Alice thought. Shit.

  Alice finished her margarita and let the frozen liquid settle in her belly. “He’s never, ever going to give me what I want, Wendy. He’s just … not. Maybe he can’t. All I know is that he says he wants me, but he won’t tell me he misses me. And he does not love me.”

  They both were silent for a minute. Wendy stirred her drink, looking sad but saying nothing. Alice appreciated the silence.

  “Have you asked him?” Wendy said finally. “If he loves you, I mean.”

  “I asked him once to tell me how he felt about me,” Alice said flatly. “And he said that he loved me on some level. I will never ask him again.”

  “I remember,” Wendy said quietly.

  “I never want to go through that again. Ever. It was horrifying.”