Strange Bedpersons Read online

  “Getting married? Us? Are you nuts?”

  “Yes,” Nick said. “But it’s situational madness. When I’m not around you, I’m a fully functioning adult. Don’t worry. The urge will go away once I’m back in the city.”

  “Well, until then, try not to make any other insane suggestions,” Tess said. “We’re in public.”

  She jerked on the hem of her jacket and started up the steps.

  “You know—” Nick began, but then the door opened, and he shut up. Tess looked up to find an aging monolith in a severe suit waiting placidly before her, backlit by the light from the hall. He looked like a cross between Abraham Lincoln and Lurch of the Addams Family.

  “Hi,” Tess said, holding out her hand. “I’m Tess Newhart.”

  “How do you do, Miss Newhart,” the man said, nodding. “I am Henderson, Mr. Welch’s manservant.” He stepped back from the door, and Tess dropped her hand and stepped through, prodded from behind by Nick and the suitcase.

  “If you’ll follow me,” Henderson said, “I will show you to your rooms. I hope you’ll find your stay with us a most pleasant one.”

  “Oh, me, too,” Tess said, and then winced as Nick bumped her with the suitcase to shut her up. “I didn’t know people had manservants anymore,” Tess whispered to Nick as they followed Henderson up the Gone with the Wind staircase. “Where do you suppose he got him? Sears?”

  “Don’t start,” Nick said, and Tess laughed.

  She laughed again once she was in her room and the door was shut behind her. The huge bedroom was papered in faded Early American blue and furnished in massive Early American walnut. The heavily carved bed was piled high with blue damask pillows that rose to within inches of a sampler that said “Idle Hands Are the Devil’s Playground.”

  Nick came through the connecting bathroom from his room to see what was so funny.

  “Give the man credit for having a sense of humor.” Tess gestured to the sampler. “What a thing to hang over a bed.”

  “You know,” Nick said, looking at her appraisingly, “I have idle hands.”

  Tess frowned at him, mentally stomping on her traitorous thoughts about what those hands could do. “You have an idle mind. It’s not the same thing.”

  “Well, come here and occupy both.” Nick grinned at her, and Tess felt her breath catch. She backed up a step.

  “I don’t think so,” she said.

  Nick jerked his head toward the sampler. “It’s the only moral thing to do. You wouldn’t want me to end up as the Devil’s playground, would you?”

  “As far as I’m concerned, you already are the Devil’s playground,” Tess said. “I can’t believe you’re trying to seduce me with a sampler.”

  “I just think the idea deserves some serious consideration.”

  “Well, you’ll have a lot of time to seriously consider it tonight,” Tess said. “In your own bedroom. Go away.”

  THE BEFORE-DINNER PARTY WAS in full but dignified swing when Nick ushered a black-creped Tess into Welch’s tastefully male living room. The place was an ostentatious display of massive walnut furniture, coffee-colored leather, beige-striped walls and enough brass to outfit a band. Welch had decorated his house in money and leather and liquor cabinets and matched sets of never-opened calf-bound books, and then filled it with people with stiff upper lips who were dressed in clothes that were so well tailored they could probably stand without the people in them.

  Tess felt herself stiffen and told herself to relax, shut up and make nice. It was only for two days, and she looked properly adult in her crepe dress, a dress that had been perfectly pressed by Henderson, who had appeared at her door to suggest that her clothes might have been mussed in the packing process. Henderson was so brilliant at this that he managed to make it sound as though the wrinkles were his fault, and Tess had handed over her dress because she couldn’t bear to disappoint him by turning him down. Now he was quietly making sure that everyone found the buffet, had a full glass and wasn’t lifting the silver. Watching Henderson might make up for the weekend, Tess thought as Nick led her across the lush carpet to the padded bar. It was so rare to see a man who simply took care of everything and then faded into the background. This must be why men liked having wives. Since she wasn’t eligible for a wife, maybe someday she could have a Henderson. Maybe Nick would give her one for Christmas. It did seem mercenary of her, but she was prepared to share him with Gina. Gina would love having a Henderson.

  Then she saw Gina standing at the bar, looking up at Park with her face glowing.

  Not good.

  “What’s wrong?” Nick asked.

  “Nothing,” Tess said. Park must have turned on the charm on the drive down. She watched him with Gina for a moment and then tried to make herself be fair. He was smiling down at Gina, laughing with her, paying absolutely rapt attention to her. No wonder she was glowing. Still, there was no point in Gina’s getting involved with Park. Park made movie stars look stable.

  “That’s Gina,” Nick said, startled.

  “Of course that’s Gina,” Tess said, still annoyed with Park. “You told me to get Park a date.”

  “I told you to get him a respectable date.”

  “Hey.” Tess transferred her annoyance to Nick the lawyer. “That’s my best friend you’re trashing there. Back off.”

  “I like Gina,” Nick said, and then looked back at the bar with a troubled face. “But frankly I don’t think her grammar and her gum are up to this kind of party.”

  “She will do fine,” Tess said coldly, and stomped toward the bar, enraged with Nick and with Park and with herself for getting Gina into this.

  “Oh, great. Tess Trueheart in person,” Park said when they reached them. He looked at Nick. “I suppose you had to.”

  Tess’s temper flared. This was the jerk who had lured Nick into yuppiedom, and now he was making fun of her. All the antagonism she’d felt for her landlord and the Foundation trustees and Nick fused into her glare at Park. “Great to see you, Park,” she said. “Did I ever mention that your name sounds like low-income housing?”

  “Tess,” Gina said weakly.

  “Still the same tact, I see,” Park said, glaring back.

  “Still the same tan, I see,” Tess said. “You know, studies have shown that excessive tanning—”

  “Gina, you look terrific,” Nick said, kicking Tess smartly on the ankle.

  “—can lead to skin cancer and premature aging,” Tess said, moving out of his reach. “Just wanted you to know.”

  “Thank you,” Park said. “I’m touched.”

  “Aw, Tess,” Gina said.

  “Come on, Tess,” Nick muttered. “Play nice.”

  “He started it,” Tess said.

  “Oh, that’s mature,” Nick said. “Could you please act like an adult?”

  “Tess,” Gina said pleadingly.

  “Okay, okay. I’m sorry. Let’s try this again.” Tess took a deep breath and smiled a nice bright toothpaste smile. “Hello, Park, it’s good to see you again.”

  Park smiled back tightly. “Always a pleasure, Tess.”

  “Now see,” Nick said, “that wasn’t so hard, was it?”

  Tess shot him a look of contempt and took Gina’s arm. “I need to talk to you,” she whispered before she turned to Park and Nick and said, “Gina and I are going to go find the ladies’ room to freshen our lipstick.”

  All three of them looked at her with varying degrees of surprise.

  “All right,” Tess said. “Gina will freshen hers, and I’ll put some on.”

  “Right,” Gina said, gamely picking up her cue. “That would be good.”

  Tess pulled Gina up the stairs to the master bathroom in search of privacy. When the door was shut behind them, she turned to Gina. “I’m worried about you. It would be a bad idea to get hung up on Park.”

  “Look at this bathroom.” Gina drifted past the walls covered in mint green hand-painted tiles to stroke the porcelain of the huge pale green tub. “I