It Must Be Christmas Read online

  “Am I?” He stared at her. “Come on, Charlie. You’re not a fling sort of person. You’re a lifer. You want the whole enchilada. The husband and the kids and the little house in the ‘burbs. You’re a liar if you say otherwise.”

  “I never asked any of that from you.”

  He paced through the tiny kitchen. “I know that. That’s what I’m saying. We knew this about each other but we pretended not to notice. I told myself it would be okay. That you knew what you were getting into. That it was only a few dates and a handful of kisses and it was no big deal. Until…”

  Silence fell over the kitchen.

  “Until?” she finally prompted.

  He let out a breath. “Until tonight. Tonight was a big deal. It wasn’t just a kiss good night. It was…”

  Again he paused and she met his gaze evenly. She knew what he wasn’t saying. There’d been a connection between them that had been far more potent than either of them had expected.

  “It was too much for you,” she said quietly. “You’re right, you know. I do want those things. I always have. And I told myself I didn’t and I conveniently forgot I did when we were together because I like being with you. I like kissing you and I loved making love with you. You’re absolutely right, Dave. I want the whole enchilada.”

  She deserved better. “I spent my whole childhood feeling like I was in the way. I took what attention I could get. Dressed in what I was supposed to, showed up at events when it was requested, got good marks. Tried to please them, anything to get a smidgen of genuine affection. To mean as much to them as their precious jobs and precious itineraries. And you know what? It never worked. And you know what that made me? Afraid. Timid. Unable to stand up for myself. Do you know what happened when I took this job? I had already signed the contract and rental agreement before I told my parents. I didn’t even tell them until I was already here in Jewell Cove. Even when I was rebelling, I was afraid to confront them. Afraid to disappoint them.”

  “Jesus, Charlie.”

  “Yeah. And I was afraid to disappoint you too, so I told myself I’d just go along with whatever you wanted. Not interested in a relationship or a family? That was okay. We’d just have fun. But you are so right. I’m not built that way. I want a man who loves me, and a family of my own and children who can be whatever the hell they want when they grow up as long as they’re happy. I want them to feel love and acceptance and I want smiles and laughter. I want it all, Dave. And tonight, for about five minutes, I caught a glimpse of what it could be like if you gave us half a chance.”

  “I told you…”

  “I know. I didn’t listen. I heard what I wanted to and ignored the rest.”

  She was slightly out of breath, amazed that she’d said all that, wondering how she’d kept it inside all these years.

  Dave was staring at her in shock.

  “What the hell are you so scared of?” she asked. “Or is it that you don’t have the capacity to care at all? Is that it?”

  “Maybe I don’t. Maybe I’m just a selfish prick who only thinks about himself. Maybe I’ve got a huge ego and the world revolves around me. That’s what you’re saying, isn’t it? Or is it that I’m a coward? Which option is most appealing to you?” His words were hard, brittle. The heat in his eyes had cooled, dulled. “We both pretended for a while but I’d just hurt you in the end, Charlie.”

  Once again silence fell over the room. There was something he wasn’t saying. Something more than his marriage. He’d been pretty forthcoming about that, so she guessed whatever it was had to be important. Hurtful.

  “Shit,” he said, quieter now. “It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I thought I could handle it. Tonight was amazing. You need to understand that. But this has to stop now, before someone gets hurt. Before I hurt you.”

  She blinked a couple of times. She would not babble, or cry, or be an emotional wreck. She would also be honest, because wrong or right, she’d started to believe they had a chance. “Don’t you get it? You already hurt me.”

  “Don’t say that.”

  “What, and lie?” She went to him, put her hand flat on his chest. “You’re a good man, you know. Somehow, somewhere, I think someone made you feel like you weren’t. And I think that’s not because you let someone down but because someone let you down. Until you figure that out, you’re never going to be happy.”

  “You’d better get home to Daniel.”

  There was no emotion in his words, just dismissal and finality. She retreated to the bedroom and pulled on her clothes, braided her hair, and went back to the kitchen, where Dave was sitting at the table, staring into his cup of cold cocoa.

  Wordlessly she put on her boots and her jacket and picked up her handbag. She went out and shut the door behind her, latching it with a quiet click, wondering how she could have been so stupid as to let herself fall in love with the wrong man.

  Chapter Twelve

  Charlie ended up putting in extra hours at the clinic. A flu outbreak swept through the schools, and she and Josh doubled up their hours so that whenever one was taking appointments, the other was working walk-in or administering flu shots. The lead up to Christmas was anything but relaxing, and it was only Meggie’s help with babysitting that kept her afloat. She managed to package Lizzie’s presents and ship them off, with a promise to visit for a weekend in the new year. As the virus spread, Josh and Charlie saw increased numbers of senior citizens presenting with the same symptoms that often progressed to bronchitis or pneumonia, both of which required more than simple rest and fluids.

  By December 18, it hit Charlie and laid her flat for three days of fever, chills, and a hoarse cough. She spent her downtime on the sofa with a soft blanket, drinking hot lemon and honey and sleeping whenever Daniel saw fit to nap too. Because he was so small, she took particular care with hand washing, praying he didn’t come down with it too. And during her waking hours she spent way too much time thinking. Thinking about Dave, and how everything had gone wrong, and how for the first time in several years she’d fancied herself in love.

  How could that be? She’d always believed a big component of being in love was being loved in return. That it wasn’t one-sided. But he certainly hadn’t loved her. Liked her, yes. Enjoyed her company, yes.

  But he hadn’t been a fool like her. She replayed moments in her mind: how they’d look into each other’s eyes, the way he kissed, how he’d laugh at something and tilt his head back just a little bit. The way he raised one eyebrow just a little before he said something sarcastic, and the way only one dimple popped when he smiled.

  She’d been smitten. No doubt about it. And she missed him. She could tell herself she didn’t, but what purpose did that serve? No sense lying to herself. He was up the road at his cottage or working in town and going about his day completely and absolutely without her. Like she didn’t even matter.

  Charlie’s bout of self-pity was interrupted by a knock on the door. It was Josh, and he carried a box in his arms.

  She tugged her blanket closer around herself, blinked at him blearily, and held open the door. “What on earth is that?”

  “Word got around town that you came down with this bug. It’s a care package.”

  She stepped aside as he came in and stomped his boots. “A care package?”

  He nodded. “Today I’m your delivery boy. Can you take this?”

  She took the box from his arms, shocked at how weak she felt. Once he’d removed his boots he took the box back. “Let’s put this in your kitchen.”

  She followed behind him, her slippers scuffing against the floor as she sniffled and then reached for a tissue from the box on the counter. Josh put everything down on her table and started taking things out.

  An ice cream container, which he handed over. “My mom’s chicken soup. Her not-so-secret ingredient is a dash of curry powder. You look like hell. I recommend a bowl of it, stat.”

  She laughed a little, which started her coughing. Without saying a word, Josh found a gla