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How To Survive Summer Camp (ePub) Page 8
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‘I’ll do the sports page,’ said Louise.
I stared at her.
‘I know more about sports than anyone else, don’t I?’ said Louise, idly picking up her tennis racket and bouncing a ball up and down on the strings.
She was right. And it was a major triumph, Louise actually wanting to write for my magazine.
‘OK, Louise. You’re the sports correspondent,’ I agreed.
Karen had gone very red. She looked as if she might be trying hard not to cry.
‘You can be on the magazine too, Karen,’ said Marzipan.
‘Here, I’m the editor,’ I said.
‘Don’t worry, I wouldn’t write for your daft old magazine even if you went down on your knees and begged,’ Karen shouted, and she ran out of the room.
We soon forgot about her because we were so busy. I had great fun writing the Stars page, especially the horoscope for my own birthsign, Sagittarius.
‘You are at the start of a brilliant career. At last everyone will recognize your true talents. Do not be deterred by hostility. They are only jealous. You have a really starry future. Warning: avoid water at all costs!’
Then I settled down to do my Star Film Review. I drew a big screen taking up nearly all the page on Marzipan’s pad and then did a border of all the delicious food you get to eat in the cinema: popcorn and Mars bars and Magnum icecreams and hot dogs and Coke and ice lollies. Then I started writing my review inside the screen—and that was when I got stuck.
My all-time favourite film was Curse of the Killer Vampire Bats. Mum bought it for me by mistake. She found a whole pile of children’s videos at £1 a time at a Car Boot Sale and gave them to me to keep me quiet. They were mostly babyish cartoons and I fidgeted and fussed throughout—but when I watched Curse of the Killer Vampire Bats I stayed still as a mouse and didn’t so much as squeak. It was certainly not a children’s video. It had got put in this Kute Kartoons for Kiddies case by mistake.
I couldn’t believe my luck. It was so wonderfully scary. I loved the Killer Vampire Bats. They started off as furry little Vampire Bat Babies with weeny teeny teeth, but then they grew and grew and grew. Their teeth turned into the sharpest fangs ever so they could rip your head off your neck with one bite.
Mum just about died when she saw what I was watching and threw it in the dustbin. I was furious with her—but she couldn’t stop me buying my own toy rubber vampire bat with my pocket money. I called him Bloodsucker and decided he was a distant wicked relation of Squeakycheese. I encouraged Bloodsucker in his evil habits for all I was worth. Mum had just started to go out with Uncle Bill then. Bloodsucker decided he simply couldn’t stick Uncle Bill. He kept attacking him like crazy, going for his neck.
Mum said if I couldn’t control Bloodsucker he was going in the dustbin too. I knew she meant it, so Bloodsucker decided Uncle Bill’s blood was too watery for his taste. He had a happy time in my toy cupboard instead, gorging on all my old discarded Barbies.
But now I was stuck writing my review of Curse of the Killer Vampire Bats because Mum had thrown it away when I was only halfway through watching it. I needed to know what happened at the end. I asked everyone if they’d ever seen a truly super film called Curse of the Killer Vampire Bats but nobody else had seen it. Then Rosemary smiled.
‘I’ve seen it, Stella,’ she said.
‘Are you sure?’ I said doubtfully.
‘Yes. I remember the vampire bat. I couldn’t watch much. I had to go behind the sofa.’
She was taking a break from writing DORA’S DRAMMATIK RESKU because her wrist was aching so she was busy tidying Dora’s bed.
‘She’s got it in such a mess, I just don’t know what she’s been up to,’ said Rosemary primly. ‘Naughty Dora.’
‘I’m not at all surprised you had to go behind the sofa. I was just a little bit frightened of Curse of the Killer Vampire Bats,’ I admitted.
‘Dora was terribly frightened,’ said Rosemary, making her donkey shake all over. ‘They attacked a cow.’
‘A cow?’ I said. ‘You mean … a naughty lady?’
‘No. A real cow. And Dora and I thought if those vampire bats could attack a cow they might easily go for a donkey.’
‘There weren’t any cows in Curse of the Killer Vampire Bats,’ I said. ‘There were lots of ladies in nighties and they all died horribly, blood dribbling down their chests.’
‘I didn’t see any ladies in nighties,’ said Rosemary.
‘Yes. Well. You were behind the sofa.’
‘But I was listening. There was just this one man. And the vampire bats. On the telly.’
It turned out she’d been watching some little nature programme.
‘You are an idiot, Rosemary,’ I said impatiently.
‘Don’t be mean to me, Stella. You’ll upset Dora,’ said Rosemary, making the donkey droop.
‘Cheer up, Dora,’ I said quickly.
‘She’s too unhappy now. Look, she’s sobbing,’ said Rosemary, making little sniffy noises and helping Dora wipe her eyes with her front hooves.
I was getting a bit fed up with all this.
‘She’s yawning now,’ I said, snatching Dora and making her mouth gape. ‘She’s terribly tired. I think we’d better pop her into bed now.’
‘No! Don’t put Dora into bed,’ Rosemary squealed, snatching her away.
‘Why not?’ I asked, startled.
Rosemary shuffled right up to me and whispered in my ear. ‘She’s wet it.’
I giggled. ‘No she hasn’t. She’s completely house trained and—’
‘She’s really wet it, Stella. Look,’ Rosemary whispered, holding up the old cardigan.
So I looked. And examined it. Rosemary was right.
‘Rosemary!’
Rosemary shrugged helplessly.
‘You didn’t—?’
‘No!’
‘Then—?’
We both looked at Dora. Her head still drooped, as if in shame.
‘This is ridiculous,’ I said.
I wondered if it could have been Tinkypoo. But he never came near our dormi. It was a mystery.
The plot of Curse of the Killer Vampire Bats remained a mystery too. In the end I just wrote, ‘Curse of the Killer Vampire Bats is the best film I’ve ever seen. If you see it you will be scared senseless.’ I drew a picture of Bloodsucker grinning wickedly and coloured all round his mouth very red indeed.
It was getting near lunch time but I got started on my story, copying out Princess Stellarina from my red and black notebook.
‘You’ve got your own notebook, you could have done the magazine in that,’ said Marzipan reproachfully.
‘Yes, but I’ve written out my Stellarina story in it, I’ve used up heaps of pages.’
‘You’re using up heaps of my pages now,’ said Marzipan. ‘What are you copying out?’
‘My Princess Stellarina story. It’s going to be the special Star Story now.’
‘Oh goody goody,’ said Rosemary, tucking Dora into a new bed of clean T-shirt and knickers.
‘You can’t put that story in your magazine,’ said Marzipan. ‘The Brigadier and Miss Hamer-Cotton and Uncle Ron might want to have a read of it. They’ll have a fit. They’ll see you’re making fun of them. Oh, Stella, you can’t!’
‘Yes, I can,’ I said—but when I read the whole story through I started to worry. Perhaps I could cross out the Brigavampire parts. The Brigadier was sort of my friend now. I could leave in the bits about Hag Hateful-Catty—although she was the Brigadier’s daughter. Well, at least I could keep the Uncle Pong parts. Or could I? Uncle Ron kept swearing he’d have me swimming like a little seal by the time I went home. I still couldn’t swim more than two strokes at a time and I kept going under and choking—but when I was nearly crying Uncle Ron ducked under the water and came up blowing bubbles so that I laughed instead.
I sighed now and ripped out my Stellarina story from the magazine. I’d have to think of something else instead.