Longest Whale Song Read online

  ‘Are you going to Garton Road tomorrow then?’

  ‘No, I’ve got things to do.’ He kicks the tray of lukewarm Chinese with his foot. ‘I’ve got to go and do some shopping for a start.’

  ‘You’re going shopping?’

  ‘We’ve got to start eating some decent food – we can’t live on takeaways. And I’ve got to see if I can find someone to look after the baby.’

  ‘But the nurses look after him in the hospital.’

  ‘Yes, but he can’t stay there, not indefinitely. He’s got to come home with us, so we need a nursery or a childminder or someone to look after him during the day while I’m teaching. Mum was going to look after him herself for six months so we hadn’t got anyone lined up yet.’ He looks at me, rubbing his eyes. ‘We’ll have to find someone to look after you too whenever I have to work late. There’s so much to organize. I can’t get my head round any of it just at the moment. Anyway, off you hop to bed. And tomorrow morning I’ll drive you to school, and then come and pick you up afterwards and take you to see Mum then.’

  ‘No! I need to be with Mum.’

  ‘Well, you can’t,’ Jack snaps. ‘Will you just stop arguing! I’m trying my hardest to do what’s best for you. It doesn’t help if you argue back all the time.’

  ‘I don’t always argue.’

  ‘There you go! For pity’s sake, Ella. Couldn’t you try to be reasonable and do as you’re told just for a few days, while Mum’s so ill?’

  ‘Mum’s ill because of you! If you hadn’t come along, she wouldn’t have had the baby, and so she wouldn’t have got ill!’ I shout. ‘It’s all your fault, Jack.’

  He stares at me, shaking his head. ‘Ella, it’s not anybody’s fault. We weren’t to know Mum would have this reaction. She was absolutely fine when she had you.’

  ‘Yes, we were all fine then, Mum and my real dad and me.’

  ‘I know you find it hard that I’m your stepdad—’

  ‘I wish you weren’t!’

  ‘I wish I wasn’t too!’ he shouts.

  I run out of the room and up the stairs. There! I knew he didn’t like me. He’s as good as said so. I don’t know why it’s making me cry so much. It just feels so lonely. I haven’t got anyone else but Mum. Jack wishes I wasn’t here. Liz doesn’t want me around. Sally doesn’t understand.

  I lie down on my bed and cry and cry. I keep waiting for the footsteps on the stairs – but Jack doesn’t come. So at long last I wash my sodden face and get into my pyjamas and crawl into bed.

  I lie under the covers, arms wrapped tightly round myself. I haven’t got a proper mum any more, I haven’t got a dad . . . Well, I do have a dad. A real one, not a stepdad.

  I screw up my face in the dark, trying to conjure up my dad. I last saw him two years ago – maybe three. He came to take me out on my birthday. Mum and I couldn’t believe it when we opened the door.

  ‘Surprise!’ he said.

  It was such a surprise we just gaped at him. For a second or two I didn’t even guess that he was my dad. I thought he was someone else’s dad, or maybe one of Mum’s teacher friends, or a seldom-noticed neighbour. Then of course I realized. This was my dad, and he had his arms open wide and he was hugging me. I felt hot with embarrassment, my face crammed against his stripy shirt.

  ‘My lovely little Ella,’ he said.

  I was only small then but I knew he was expecting some kind of loving reaction. I thought of Mum’s favourite old DVD, The Railway Children.

  ‘Daddy, oh, Daddy,’ I said in a choked voice.

  He said he wanted to take me out and buy me the best birthday present in the world, whatever I wanted.

  ‘Come on, sweetheart, get your coat. We’re off to the shops,’ he said, spinning me round.

  ‘Well, that’s a lovely idea, and of course Ella is thrilled, but in half an hour’s time nine little girls are arriving for her birthday lunch,’ Mum said. ‘I think maybe you’ll have to go after the party.’

  Dad looked fed up at first, and we both wondered if he was going to walk out then and there. But he stayed for the afternoon. He was actually the life and soul of the party. He played all the games with us, and jumped about when we danced, and conducted everyone when they sang ‘Happy Birthday’. He played his own grizzly-bear game with us, giving every single one of my friends a bear ride on his back. They all squealed with joy and said, ‘Oh, Ella, you’re so lucky, you’ve got such a funny dad.’

  Then they all went home, and Dad was as good as his word.

  ‘Right, Ella, serious shopping time,’ he said.

  He didn’t ask Mum to come with us. I feel so dreadful remembering. I just left her tidying up after the party. Dad and I went to a big shopping centre and he bought me a new sky-blue dress (to match my eyes, he said). He gave me a giant teddy bear with a blue ribbon round its neck, though I didn’t really want it because it had such beady eyes. But I thanked Dad very, very much all the same, and made a great show of hugging the huge bear, though it made my arms ache. Dad must have detected my lack of enthusiasm.

  ‘We’re not done yet,’ he said. ‘One more present to make it the best birthday ever. What would you really, really like?’

  I thought hard. Martha at school had just had her ears pierced and we had all tutted and squealed enviously over her little gold studs.

  ‘Please can I have my ears pierced?’ I asked Dad.

  I expected him to laugh at me and say, no way, not until I was a teenager. But he just shrugged and said, ‘That’s fine with me, darling. Let’s go and find a jeweller’s.’

  I jumped up and down with joy, but when I was actually sitting down in the back of the jewellery shop, I wasn’t so sure it was a good idea. I felt a bit faint and funny when they did my ears, and cried a little, but Dad gave me a cuddle and said I was his big brave girl. He said my new earrings looked beautiful.

  When we got home hours later, Mum flew at me and hugged me tight as if she thought she’d lost me for ever. Then she saw my ears. She got really, really mad.

  ‘How dare you have her ears pierced!’ she screamed at Dad.

  ‘She wanted them pierced, she practically begged me,’ he said.

  ‘Of course she begged! Every little girl wants her ears pierced. But Ella’s my daughter and I didn’t want her little ears stuck all over with horrible studs!’

  ‘She’s my daughter too and I don’t think it matters a damn. I just want to make her happy,’ Dad shouted back.

  They had a horrible row then. I crept into the kitchen, dragging my big bear along with me, and nibbled miserably at birthday-cake icing. Then Dad came in and said goodbye to me. He said I was his birthday princess and I wasn’t to listen to silly old Mummy, the earrings looked beautiful. He promised he’d come and see me again very soon – maybe the very next Saturday.

  I wore my new blue dress every Saturday for the next six months, even in winter, but he never came back. He’s always sent Christmas presents though. He’s sent me several pairs of earrings, but actually they’re no use to me now. Mum made me take the first little studs out the very same day and the holes closed up.

  I was cross with her for a while. I thought Dad didn’t come to see me because she shouted at him. Then I got cross with Dad instead because he broke his promise to me. But I stopped minding ages ago. I gave the teddy to my school’s jumble sale, but the blue dress is still hanging in the back of my wardrobe.

  I get out of bed and search for it now. It’s weird thinking I was once that small. I can barely get my arms in the sleeves and the dress wouldn’t even cover my bottom. I thought I’d grown out of needing my dad the way I’d grown out of my dress, but now I want him so badly I start trembling.

  I put on my dressing gown and go downstairs. Jack is sprawling on the sofa in the living room, empty cans of beer littering the carpet. The room smells horrible. Jack has his hands over his face.

  ‘You’re drunk!’ I say accusingly.

  ‘No, I’m not,’ he mumbles. ‘I’ve just had a bee