The Bed and Breakfast Star Read online

  ‘NAOMI!’ I yelled excitedly, jumping up.

  Mack was taking a large gulp of tea at that precise second. Somehow or other the tea sprayed all down his front. He didn’t look too happy. I decided to dash over to Naomi pretty sharpish.

  ‘Hi, Naomi. I’ve been looking out for you. Is this your mum? Are these your brothers?’

  I said hello to them all and they smiled and said hello back.

  ‘Is that your dad over there? That man shouting at you,’ said Naomi.

  ‘No fear,’ I said. ‘What are you reading then, eh?’

  I had a quick peer. The cover said Little Women and there was a picture of four girls in old-fashioned frocks.

  ‘Little Women?’ I said, thinking it a rather naff title.

  ‘It’s a lovely book, one of the classics,’ said Naomi’s mum proudly. ‘My Naomi’s always reading it.’

  ‘Boring,’ I mumbled, peering at the pages.

  ‘The Cursed Werewolf seized the young maiden and ripped her to pieces with his huge yellow teeth . . .’

  ‘There’s a werewolf in Little Women?’ I said, astonished.

  ‘Sh!’ said Naomi, giving me a nudge. She turned her back so that her mum couldn’t see and quickly lifted the dustjacket off Little Women. She had a different book entirely underneath. The Cursed Werewolf Runs Wild.

  ‘Ah,’ I said. I decided I liked Naomi even more.

  I sat down at their table, even though Mack was bellowing fit to bust for me to come back at once OR ELSE. Naomi’s little brothers looked utterly angelic above the table, all big eyes and smiley mouths, but they were conducting a violent kicking match out of sight. One of the kicks landed right on my kneecap. I gave a little scream and both boys looked anxiously at their mum. I didn’t tell tales, but I seized hold of several skinny legs and tickled unmercifully. They squirmed and doubled up.

  ‘Boys!’ said Naomi’s mum. ‘Stop messing about.’

  She was trying to feed the baby but he kept fidgeting and turning his head away, not wanting his soggy old cornflakes.

  ‘Come on, Nathan,’ said Naomi’s mum.

  Nathan shut his mouth tight and let cornflake mush dribble down his chin.

  ‘How about feeding him like an aeroplane?’ I suggested. ‘My baby brother Hank likes it when I do that. Here, I’ll show you.’

  I took the spoon, filled it with flakes, and then let my arm zoom through the air above Nathan’s head.

  ‘Here’s a loaded jumbo jet coming in to land,’ I said and made very loud aeroplane noises.

  Nathan opened his mouth in astonishment and I shoved the spoon in quick.

  ‘Unloading bay in operation,’ I said, and I unhooked the empty spoon from his gums.

  ‘Come on then, Nathan, gobble gobble, while I go looking for the next aeroplane. Hey, how about a Concorde this time?’

  Nathan chewed obediently while I reloaded the spoon and held it at the right Concorde angle. I revved up my sound system.

  Unfortunately, my dear non-relative Uncle Mack was revving up his own sound system. After one last bellow he came charging like a bull across the breakfast room.

  I landed Concorde, unloaded the new cargo of cornflakes inside Nathan, and tried turning the spoon into a bomber plane with mega-quick, whizz-bang missiles.

  Mack certainly exploded. But not in the way I wanted.

  ‘How dare you make this ridiculous noise and bother these poor people,’ he roared, yanking me up from the table.

  ‘Oh no, she’s been no bother at all,’ said Naomi’s mum quickly. ‘So Elsa’s your daughter, is she?’

  ‘No!’ I said.

  ‘No!’ Mack said.

  It was about the only thing we ever agreed on.

  ‘Elsa is my stepdaughter,’ said Mack. He said the word ‘step’ as if it was some disgusting swear word. ‘I’ve done my best to bring her up as if she was my own, but she gets right out of hand sometimes.’

  I wished I was out of his hand at that precise moment. He was holding me by the shoulders, his fingers digging in hard.

  ‘Well, she’s been a very good girl with us, helping me keep my family in order,’ said Naomi’s mum.

  ‘Yes, she got my baby brother Nathan to eat up all his cornflakes,’ said Naomi.

  ‘It’s a pity she can’t help out with her own brother and sister then,’ said Mack. ‘Come on, Elsa, your mum needs you.’

  He gave a jerk and a pull. I had to go with him or else get my arm torn off. I looked back at Naomi.

  ‘The Cursed Werewolf!’ I mouthed, nodding at Mack.

  Naomi nodded, grinning at me sympathetically.

  I needed sympathy. Mack was in a foul mood.

  ‘What do you think you’re doing, rushing around yelling your head off?’ he yelled, rushing around.

  I could sense it wasn’t quite the right time to point out that I was only following my step-daddy’s example. He got me sat back at our table and started giving me this right old lecture about learning to do as I was told. Pippa started fidgeting and shifting about on her chair as if she were the one getting the lecture, not me.

  ‘I’m needing to go to the toilet,’ she announced.

  ‘Well, off you go then,’ said Mack.

  ‘I can’t find it by myself,’ said Pippa.

  ‘I’ll take her,’ I said, jumping at the chance.

  I clutched Pippa’s hand and escaped the Werewolfs copious curses. Some of the boys were back down the corridor, writing more rude words on the walls. An old lady with a hoover rounded a corner and saw what they were up to.

  ‘Here, you clean that off, you little varmints,’ she yelled, aiming her vacuum at them.

  They laughed and said the words to her.

  ‘Dirty beasts,’ said the hoover lady.

  She saw us gawping.

  ‘Cover your ears up, girls. And you’d better close your eyes too. These little whatsits are desecrating this hotel. Blooming desecrating it, that’s what they are.’ She banged up against the boys with the vacuum, running the suction nozzle up and down the nearest’s shell suit.

  ‘Get off, will you! My mum’s only just bought me this,’ he yelled indignantly.

  ‘I’m just trying to clean you up, laddie. Get some of the dirt off you. Now clear off, the lot of you, or I’ll fetch the Manager.’

  They straggled away while she held her vacuum aloft in victory. Pippa and I giggled. Mrs Hoover followed us into the Ladies so she could have a quick smoke.

  ‘Dear oh dear, this place will be the death of me,’ she said, lighting up. She tucked her ciggies and matches back in her pocket and flexed her legs in her baggy old trousers. ‘It used to be a really classy establishment back in the old days. A really nice business hotel. You could get fantastic tips and everyone spoke to you ever so pleasant. Now you just get a mouthful of abuse. They’re all scum that stay here now. Absolute scum.’

  She said this very fiercely and then blinked a bit at me.

  ‘No offence meant, dearie. You seem very nice little girls, you and your sister.’

  ‘Are we just a bit scummy round the edges then?’ I said.

  ‘You what? Oh, give over!’ She drew on her cigarette, chuckling.

  ‘What’s scum?’ said Pippa, emerging from the toilet and going to wash her hands.

  ‘That’s scum,’ I said, wiping my finger round the edge of the grey basin.

  ‘Now dear, don’t shame me. I used to keep this place so clean you could eat your dinner out of one of them basins. But now I just lose heart. And the management’s so mean, they keep cutting down the staff. How can I keep all this place spick and span, eh, especially with my legs.’ She patted at her trousers and shook her head. Then she had another glance at the basin. ‘Look, that’s a footprint, isn’t it? Dear goodness, would you credit it? They’re actually putting their feet in the basins now.’

  ‘I wonder who on earth that could be,’ I said, winking at Pippa.

  ‘I know!’ said Pippa, not understanding my meaningful wink.