Purity Read online

  Hesler shifted in his seat and frowned. “I won’t lie to you. There are…certain side effects to wearing the suit all the time and using it the way we do. When you break the original balance, you invite complications. But we’re working on those and with correct training, yes, it’s entirely possible to never go through your sex cycle again.”

  “Good. Because I can’t—I can’t go through a cycle.” K looked at him earnestly. “I could kill someone. I could kill…”

  “Boone? Your giant?”

  “He’s not mine.” K looked away. “He never was. Not really.”

  “Try telling him that,” Hesler said dryly. “In fact, you’ll have to. I promised him you’d see him as soon as I finished debriefing you here.”

  “What?” K’s eyes flew up to his steel gray ones. “But I can’t. I shouldn’t. It’s not safe.”

  “It’s safe enough as long as you’re still wearing the suit. For now, anyway,” Hesler assured her. “Even with the conditioning broken, it will still go on regulating your hormones for a day or two. You’ll have to train it correctly in order to keep those benefits, but you can go visit his ship and talk to him at least.”

  K bit her lip. “You keep talking about ‘training’ my suit. What happens if I don’t? Can’t I just keep it on indefinitely? Not that it would be fair to Boone. If I keep the suit on we can’t…I can’t let him…”

  “If the word you’re looking for is ‘contaminate’ then you’re not ready anyway,” Hesler said flatly.

  “No, it’s not…not like that anymore,” K protested. “He never actually…we never actually did that. But what we did do…I liked it. More than liked it. But my cycle…”

  “Did you reach the third phase?”

  She shook her head. “Only the second. But I know what will happen if I take off the suit and let my body continue the cycle. Boone knows too but I don’t think he really understands. If I let my hormones take over and I can’t think anymore…”

  “Well, the first cycle can get a little rough but—”

  I’m a royal,” K interrupted.

  “Ah.” Hesler nodded, a frown creasing his face. “That does complicate things.”

  “Even as big as he is, he won’t stand a chance if I go feral,” K said in a low voice. “I’m a trained killer.”

  “We all are. It’s the way they conditioned us.” Hesler sounded bitter. “Don’t think… don’t feel… don’t touch… just kill.” He leaned forward. “Do you know how many years it took me to be able to touch anyone voluntarily—the way I touched your face just now? I take no pleasure from it but I can do it. Getting there hasn’t been easy, though.”

  “I still don’t want to touch anyone,” K admitted. “No one but Boone, anyway. That’s another reason why I can’t go through my cycle. He’s not Erian and I can’t stand the thought of anyone else…doing that to me.” She shivered.

  “Not surprising. I won’t lie to you, Commander K, the Purist conditioning is fucking difficult to overcome. That’s why so many of us choose to just stay in the suit.”

  “But that’s the thing, if I can’t take off the suit, Boone and I can’t have…can’t…”

  “You can’t make love,” Hesler finished for her gently.

  “Right.” K nodded miserably. “And I don’t think it’s fair to ask that of him. From what he’s said to me in the past, it’s considered a very important part of life for most people.”

  He barked a short laugh. “That’s an understatement, I’m afraid. A lot of males—it’s all they think about. Females too.” He sighed. “Your head gets jammed up with emotion and lust and you can’t think straight. It’s just easier to turn it off—to let the suit turn it off for you.”

  “It’s not fair to ask Boone to live with an emotionless, sexless robot,” K said softly. “And it’s not safe to take off the suit.”

  “It won’t be safe to leave it on, either—not until you’ve trained it,” Hesler pointed out.

  “What do you mean?” K asked. “You know, Boone is a geneticist. He said that given enough time, he might be able to come up with something to circumvent my cycle.”

  Hesler raised an eyebrow. “How long are we talking about?”

  K lifted her shoulders. “I don’t know. He just said he needed time.”

  “Well, I can tell you that without proper training, a broken or unconditioned skinsuit will give you major complications. And it won’t be able to control your hormone surges either. I’d give you a few hours—half a day max before you start having some very nasty problems.”

  “But what if I stayed with you and learned to retrain the suit until Boone had a solution? Would that be possible?”

  Hesler shook his head. “I’m sorry, Commander K but the training process takes years and it cannot, under any circumstances, be interrupted. Even if your giant perfected a formula to help you in a month or two, you’d still be stuck in the suit.”

  “Why?” K demanded. “What happens if you interrupt the process? If you take off the suit before it’s all the way trained?”

  “You’ll die,” Hesler said flatly. “It’s a choice every Paladin has to make when they first break their suit’s conditioning—remain in the suit and undergo the lengthy and arduous training process to subdue it to your will…or take it off at once and never put it on again. I’m sorry, but there’s no in between. Once you start down this road, you can’t deviate. Not if you want to live.”

  K felt the last spark of hope she’d had die. “And while I’m wearing the suit, training it, I can’t be with Boone. Not the way he needs me to be with him. Not the way I…I want to be with him.” She looked at Hesler. “Could I at least…touch him?”

  The Tainted Captain shook his head. “I’m sorry, but no. Not for the first few years, at least. Skin-to-skin touching inhibits the training process.”

  K felt sick. “So no touching or sexual activity during training. But if I don’t train my suit—if I take it off and let my cycle resume—I’ll go feral and kill him.”

  “It is possible to take it off for sexual activity once it’s trained,” Hesler said. “Some of our people do it. But to be honest, it takes years to learn to touch again, even without the suit on. As I told you, I still don’t enjoy skin-to-skin contact and I don’t think I ever will. And my suit has been well trained for the past five years. Your giant would have to be willing to wait.”

  “Wait for years of training and then time after that for me to get used to touching again,” K said, her heart sinking even more. “How many years are we talking about exactly?”

  “Five is the minimum,” Hesler said matter-of-factly. “But I’ve seen it take as long as seven solar years to retrain the suit. It depends on the Paladin’s force of will. You strike me as the type who could do it in five. After that…” He shrugged. “It’s anyone’s guess how long it would take you to acclimate to touching again.”

  “Five to seven years just for the training,” K echoed. “That’s a prison sentence.” She shook her head, remembering the feel of Boone’s big, warm hands on her bare skin. “It’s not fair to ask Boone to wait that long. Not when he couldn’t even touch me. When I wouldn’t want him touching me.”

  “It’s a long time,” Hesler said neutrally. “Only you can decide how long is too long.”

  “It’s too long.” K felt a lump in her throat. “I can’t…can’t ask it of him.”

  “Well, then,” Hesler said. “You can always stay with us.”

  “You’re offering me a place?” K looked up in surprise.

  He nodded. “Absolutely. We can always use good people and from what I’ve seen, you’re one of the best.”

  “All you’ve seen me do is kill the High Sentinel.” Purity, the words sounded strange in her mouth.

  “Exactly,” Hesler said grimly. “And that’s more than enough. You have a place among the Tainted forever for that one simple act, Commander K.”

  “I…thank you.” K didn’t know what else to say.