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  Xairn interrupted her train of thought by coming back into the room with a broom and dustpan. “You should probably wipe off the surfaces first to save time,” he said, nodding at the smears of flour on the stainless steel countertops.

  “Um, yeah. Sure.” Lauren got moving. Obviously now wasn’t the time to talk. But she still couldn’t get the image of herself over his knee out of her head.

  * * * * *

  Xairn cursed himself as they finished cleaning the food prep area. Why had he told Lauren about the torture of a thousand sighs? It was clear from the look on her face how much his descriptions had bothered her. Her breathing had been uneven and her eyes had been wide and uncertain as he talked. It frightens and disgusts her, he thought, mentally kicking himself again. Of course it does. It should. Forcing a female to submit in that way, punishing her—it’s wrong. Cruel. And though it wasn’t nearly as brutal as some of the things the Scourge did to their females, the punishment of a thousand sighs could lead to other things. Worse things. Things he couldn’t control…

  “Hey, lunch break.”

  Lauren’s voice broke into his litany of self recrimination and Xairn looked up to see her watching him. “All right.” He put down the broom and straightened up. “Is there anything to eat here?”

  She made a face. “I doubt it, unless Lorenzo and his stoner friends left some old pizza in the fridge. Let’s go out for lunch—there are tons of little cafes around the Circle. What do you feel like?”

  Xairn shrugged. “It doesn’t matter.”

  Lauren rolled her eyes in obvious exasperation. “I try and I try but you never seem to care what you eat.”

  “Why should I?” He frowned as they left her shop walked out into the sunshine. “Food is fuel—nothing more. Why should I care what it tastes or looks like as long as it nourishes me?”

  “Because.” Lauren locked the door and absently brushed some flour off her blouse. “Just because, okay? Look there’s an Italian place with nice outdoor seating a few doors down. Let’s go there.”

  “If you like.” He could tell that it bothered her that he didn’t have a preference for what he ate but he had never had that luxury before. All his life, growing up on the Fathership, he was lucky if he got enough to eat, never mind what it was. He had eaten whatever was put in front of him, no matter how repulsive or bland. Now, though most of the foods she had introduced him to were tasty, it was hard to allow himself to like them—his past held him back. Xairn told himself it was impossible to change the habits of a lifetime in a few weeks, Or maybe ever, whispered a dark part of his brain and he knew he wasn’t simply thinking about his taste in food.

  They were seated at a table along the sidewalk outside the café and a human female with long brown hair came up to serve them. Lauren appeared to know her because they chatted for several minutes before Lauren gave the female their orders. Just as the waitress was leaving, a skinny canine with scruffy black fur came bounding up to their table.

  “Oh, sorry!” The waitress tried to shoo the dog away. “She’s been hanging around here for the past two weeks begging for scraps. We try to keep her away but she’s really persistent and none of us really has the heart to take her to the pound.”

  “Of course you shouldn’t take her to the pound,” Lauren exclaimed. “Here girl.” She took a piece of bread from the basket the waitress had brought and offered it to the dog who took it eagerly. “Poor thing, she looks like she’s starving.”

  “We give her as much as we can but she’s always hungry.” The waitress sighed. “We think she has a litter of puppies around here somewhere but none of us can find them. Here girl. Here Lola. That’s what we named her,” she explained a little sheepishly.

  “She needs a good home,” Lauren said. “But unless you can find the puppies it would be cruel to take her somewhere.”

  “You’re right.” The waitress smiled at the dog fondly. “We’ll probably look for them again tonight.” She shook her head. “Well, let me go put that order in for you and get you a new basket of bread.”

  “Thanks.” Lauren smiled at her as she left. “Here Lola,” she said, holding out another piece of bread to the dog. This time the female dog took the bread but didn’t eat it. Instead, she darted away down a back alley between two of the shops and was gone. “Aww, I bet she’s taking it to her babies.” She looked up at Xairn and frowned. “Hey, you’re awfully quiet? Are you okay?”

  “Fine. I’m…fine.” He shook his head, trying to clear away the memories that threatened to drown him. Sanja as a puppy, so playful and eager to please. Her big brown eyes, her soft fur, the way she always knew when I was upset. And the look in her eyes when I had to give the last command. When I had to kill her…

  Gods, he didn’t need to be thinking about this now. He hadn’t told Lauren about his pet or how he’d been forced by his father to kill her. In fact, he hadn’t told her hardly anything about his past although she seemed to have deduced a great deal on her own. She doesn’t need to know, he thought, looking down at his water glass. Doesn’t need to hear the things I went through. The things I did. It’s bad enough that she knows about my people without knowing the specifics of my sad, twisted life.

  “You don’t seem fine.” Lauren sounded doubtful.

  “I am though.” Xairn made an effort to straighten up and shake off the black mood that had come over him. He even made favorable comments about the food when it arrived. His approval and enjoyment seemed to please Lauren.

  “I’ll make a foodie out of you yet.” She grinned at him. “In fact, let’s stop by the store on the way back to my shop. I’ll get the ingredients to make a batch of cupcakes just for you.”

  Xairn smiled at her. “You did promise me some of your signature confection as I recall.”

  “That’s right, I did. And I have a new recipe I’ve been dying to try. Chocolate vanilla bean with strawberry jam in the center—kind of a Neapolitan thing. Should be delicious if I can keep the jam part from sinking to the bottom while the cupcakes bake.”

  As always, when she spoke about her chosen profession, Lauren’s eyes lit up and she started to smile. It reminded Xairn of how she had looked when she first told him about the miniature cakes and described how they tasted when she was still a prisoner on the Fathership. The passion in her voice and the light in her warm amber eyes had drawn him like a magnet. He thought it was then that he first began to love her, though he hadn’t understood it at the time. It was Lauren who had introduced him to the concept of love in the first place—a concept he feared he was still far from mastering.

  Gods, how I care for her, he thought, listening intently as she spoke about the recipe she wanted to try. I wish I could show her how much without hurting her! If only…

  But there was no way. No way to express all he felt and still keep control of his darker urges. With a sigh, Xairn pushed the thought away and tried to concentrate on what Lauren was saying instead of his growing desire for her. But it was hard, Gods, so hard when he wanted her so badly. He could still feel her pressed against him from the long hug they had shared back at her shop. Her warm, curvy body, her smooth brown skin, her sweet feminine scent—everything about her was appealing. Like a drug he couldn’t get enough of.

  I want her more every day, he thought. Every day it gets harder and harder not to take her, to bond her to me. Gods, I should leave now before I hurt her, before I ruin her life and put out the light in her beautiful eyes forever.

  But he couldn’t leave. No matter how much he knew he ought to go, he couldn’t. He just couldn’t.

  Chapter Twenty-six

  Lauren hummed happily to herself as she stirred strawberry puree into a big bowl of homemade butter cream frosting. They were back at the Sweet Spot and the cupcakes were in the oven, filling the air with the warm, delicious scents of chocolate and vanilla. The smells soothed her as nothing else could and for the first time in weeks she felt at peace.

  Baking always made Lauren her feel like herself a