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  “What did you do?” I asked quietly when he paused again.

  “I went to his bed and asked what he needed help with.” North swallowed hard. “He held out his hand and I saw that he had a whole handful of the little white pain pills his doctor had been prescribing. He was only supposed to have three a day—one in the morning and two at bedtime.

  “‘I’ve been saving them up,’ he said. ‘Only taking one at night for weeks.’

  “‘Why?’ I asked him. And he said, ‘You know why. It hurts too much, Danny—I can’t stand it anymore.'"

  North’s jaw clenched and it seemed he had to force himself to keep talking. “I tried to tell him it was going to get better, that he should just hang on but he just shook his head and said, ‘Danny, I’m dying. I know it and you know it—that’s why you took this year off school. To be with me before the end.’”

  “Is that true?” I asked softly.

  North nodded. “Yeah. It was true and I had to admit it. Then I asked him what he wanted from me. He said, ‘Just for you to be with me. To help me in case…’”

  “In case what?” I prompted softly.

  “He said in case…” North shook his head. “In case the pills weren’t enough.”

  I felt my gut twist into a knot—this wasn’t what I had expected. Still, I was committed to hearing the story through. “And were they?” I asked, trying to brace myself for the worst. “Were they enough?”

  North shook his head. “Not quite.” His deep voice sounded strangled. “Jamie got…really tired but we could both tell he’d be able to sleep it off. He’d built up a tolerance to them, you see—to the pain meds. From taking them for so long. And that was when he asked me…” He looked down at his hands for a long moment. “God, this is hard to say.”

  “Just say it,” I urged, though my stomach felt like I had swallowed a fist-sized lump of ice.

  North looked up at me, his piercing blue eyes completely dry but filled with terrible pain just the same. “He asked me to help him finish it.”

  “And did you?” I whispered, taking his hand.

  “Yes.” He squeezed my fingers so tightly it hurt but I made no move to get away. “I used the pillow,” he whispered hoarsely. “I put it over his face and held it there until…until he stopped moving.” North looked at me and the despair in his eyes was terrible to see. “He smiled at me…right before I did it. And he said…he said, ‘Thank you, Danny. I love you.’ And that was it. I…I held his hand for hours afterward. And then I went back to bed and just laid there, knowing my mom would find him in the morning.”

  “Oh, North,” I whispered, unable to say anything else. He shook his head and buried his face in his hands. I had never seen him cry before but the tears came now, deep, hoarse sobs that tore at my heart. I rubbed his shaking shoulders helplessly, wishing there was some way I could comfort him.

  “I hate myself for it,” he said at last, his voice choked. “Hate myself, Kris. But I don’t…don’t know what else I could have done. He was in so much pain.”

  “You did the right thing,” I told him. “You helped your brother when no one else would. You helped him the only way you could.”

  “But my parents…” North shook his head. “It nearly killed them, especially my mom. I mean, Jamie had been dying for ages but it was so slow, I think…I think she thought it would never end. That he would always be there when she got up to check him in the morning.” He swiped at his eyes angrily. “And I’m the reason he’s not.”

  “You’re the reason he’s finally at peace,” I said fiercely. “Don’t hate yourself for that, North. I don’t believe your parents would, if they knew, and I don’t either.”

  “You don’t?” He looked at me uncertainly.

  “No.” I shook my head decisively. “I don’t. I think you had a hard choice to make and you made it. You did what your brother asked.”

  He sighed deeply. “I try to tell myself that but sometimes…sometimes this secret eats me up inside—the same way the cancer was eating Jamie. I never thought I’d ever be able to tell anyone…until you.”

  “I know about secrets,” I told him softly. “And about hard choices. I’m glad…glad you could trust me.”

  “I am too.” He took my hand in his and brought it to his face. Pressing a kiss to my palm, he whispered, “Thank you, Kris. Thank you for not hating me.”

  “I could never hate you.” I murmured, my heart swelling at his tender gesture. “In fact, I…I have something to tell you, too.”

  “Do you?” He looked up at me, his eyes bright. “A secret?”

  “Yes, I…” I opened my mouth, prepared to tell him everything. After all he had revealed to me, after all he had trusted me with, I felt I must be able to trust him with my truth as well. My secret—my shameful lie and deception—trembled on my lips.

  But it wasn’t my secret alone to share.

  “Well?” North prompted eagerly.

  “I…” I shook my head. “I can’t…”

  “It’s okay.” He shook his head. “You don’t have to say it. Not now.”

  “All right.” I was both relieved and disappointed. How I wanted to bare my soul to him—to tell him everything from start to finish! But somehow I just couldn’t.

  “Later, maybe.” North rose and offered me a hand up. “Come on. It’s our last day before break ends. Let’s make it count.”

  I gave him my hand and let him pull me to my feet. As we started up the hillside that led to his house, I could see from the peaceful look on his face that North felt lighter—it was as though a terrible burden had been lifted from his shoulders. I only wished someone could lift my own burden—but I was the only one who could do that. And my hands were tied—the secret I guarded with my life was not mine to tell.

  Chapter Thirty

  “I can’t stand this anymore—I have something I need to tell you,” North said as we slid beneath the covers that night—the last night of Winter Break.

  “What, something else?” I looked at him uneasily, wondering what other dark secrets he might be carrying.

  “Afraid so.” He sat up in bed and leaned his elbows against his knees. “I’m not sure how to say this but…all the stuff I told you about being sworn brothers?”

  “Yes? What about it?” I put a hand to my pierced ear reflexively. I hardly noticed the silver and onyx stud anymore—it seemed like a part of me.

  “It’s…well, it’s not something people really do anymore.” North cleared his throat. “I mean, they used to—it’s kind of an old-fashioned custom from my grandfather’s time. But it’s not really…not really done now.”

  I looked at him, confused. “Then why did you have us do it? Did you make up that oath we swore?”

  “No, of course not!” He shook his head vehemently. “The vow is real—I looked it up to get it right. I just…” He sighed. “I just used it as an excuse.”

  “An excuse for what?” I demanded.

  “To get closer to you, all right?” North ran both hands through his hair in agitation. “To be able to…to touch you. And kiss you, even if it’s only on the cheek.”

  Blood was suddenly roaring in my ears so loudly I could barely hear myself think. “You…you wanted to get closer to me?”

  “Yes, damn it—I did! I mean, I do. God, Kris, I don’t know how to say this and you might hate me when I do but I have to tell you.”

  “Tell me what?” I grabbed his arm and looked at him almost wildly.

  “Tell you…that I love you.” North scrubbed a hand over his face in obvious frustration. “I know that sounds weird and it should feel weird too. I mean, I’ve never had…feelings like this for another guy. Hell, I’ve never had feelings like this for anyone. But somehow, even though you’re a guy and an underclassman and from the opposite end of the solar system it just feels…” He sighed. “It just feels right. And I’m sorry if I’m freaking you out right now, telling you this. I just—”

  “It feels right to me, too,” I inte