How We Fell in Love: Grace and James's short story Read online

  I snort. “What!”

  “You heard me. I’m knocking you up again as soon as possible, and it better be a girl.”

  I laugh at that. “And if it’s not?”

  “Then we’re gonna have to keep trying.”

  I hold Ryan close. I could go for a lot of kids. As long as James is with me. Beside me. Loving me forever. “Fine, and what will you name her?”

  “Amelia. After my mom.”

  It fills me with such joy and promise. “I love it.”

  “I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  James cuddles beside me as we both gaze down at the beautiful baby boy we made. I don’t know what life will hold for us, but I know one thing for sure.

  James will never leave me.

  Us.

  He’ll never leave us.

  Twenty years later…

  “Oh, James,” I whisper, moving my fingers along the slick wood beneath them. “What a life, huh? You gave me everything and anything I could possibly want. Not only did you give me the most unbelievable love, you gave me two wonderful kids.”

  A slight drizzle has started, and it only makes sense that would happen. God knows I’m dying inside; the day should match, I guess. I clear my throat free of the sob as I whisper, “The kids are gonna do big things and be such amazing people.” I sniff back my tears, trying so hard to be strong. I know the kids are watching. Hell, everyone is probably watching. “Ryan was accepted into that PT program at Bellevue, just like you wanted. Isn’t that amazing? We got the notification the other day. We tried to be excited, but you know… It was hard, but I told Ryan you’d be so proud.”

  My face hurts from trying not to cry, but I have to get through this. Not only for James but for me. “Talk is, there is going to be a gymnastics program at Bellevue, and Amelia wants to try to go there. I know what you’re thinking. Why? Send her off somewhere else, let her wings open so she can fly like she flies on those bars. But she doesn’t want to leave me.” I close my eyes as my tears spill down over my cheeks, and my heart feels dead in my chest.

  “This last week, going through the pictures and remembering our life together, I can’t believe how happy we were. Even at our lowest, we loved each other so much. But there is one thing I regret,” I say through the sob that is trying to escape. “I regret not telling you that I loved you at every single turn that first year we were together. That you make my life better. That you complete me. That you are my only option, my everything.”

  I fall to my knees, my face hot against the cool coffin beneath it. “But I’m so mad. You promised you’d never lie to me, and you didn’t for the last twenty years. Not even stupid little lies. You were so honest. But now…now, you’ve lied.” A sob racks my body as I hold on to the coffin as if it’s my husband and not a box that is only holding his body. “You promised never to leave me, but here we are. I know it’s not your fault. Stupid cancer, and believe me, I will continue to fight this battle to get rid of it. In your name. I’ll do everything in your name.”

  Another sob bursts from me, and I hate how I’m letting go. But I can’t stop it. The last three months have been torture. It came so quickly, the cancer did. I guess that’s why they call prostate cancer the silent killer. It took James quicker than he could take my breath away. But even as he was dying, there wasn’t a day he didn’t tell me he loved me, that I was a great mom, and that his life was great because of me.

  When he took his last breath, it was to tell me he loved me.

  “Damn it, James,” I cry. “Who is going to protect me? Who is going to love me like you did? Who will love the kids with the patience and kindness you have? I don’t have that! You are the best father. How can I even try to step into your shoes? Damn it, I miss you so much.”

  I slide off his coffin, holding my face in my hands as the sobs shake my body like an earthquake. Everything feels hopeless, out of place, and so very lonely. When I feel two pairs of arms come around me, I fall apart even more.

  “Mom, it’s okay,” Ryan whispers, kissing my head. “I’ll always protect you and Amelia.”

  Oh, my Ryan, the perfect replica of James. So kind, such a romantic.

  “Don’t worry, Mommy. I will love you like Daddy did. We both will,” Amelia cries, wrapping her arms around me.

  Amelia may look just like James, but Lord, she is me made over. She turned both of us gray before we needed to be, but that didn’t stop us from loving her. Our children are all I have. My last pieces of James.

  I cling to them, needing my babies.

  “Always,” Ryan says, holding me close, and guilt washes over me.

  I’m supposed to be strong for these two, but they’re being strong for me.

  Just like James.

  Silence wraps around us except for our sobs, and I welcome it. I miss him. I miss the feel of him. I miss the taste of him. I miss his words. I miss the love of my life, and I always will. But I know my kids will continue to grow and become the perfect living legacy of him.

  And I’ll never lose him.

  Funny how I was so scared to give everything of myself to him because I thought he would leave me of his own choice. When, really, he was taken from me. And he didn’t go quietly. Every day that passed, he reminded me that he would always love only me.

  And the same goes for me. I’ll never love anyone the way I love James Justice.

  My only option.

  Present day

  Amelia

  I slowly move my finger along the photo of Ryan and me holding my mom the day we buried my dad. Tears fall onto the photo album as a sob bubbles in my throat. The pain is just so fresh. I miss him. I miss my mom. I miss my brother and his girlfriend, Sofia. I miss my family.

  I miss my life.

  I just want to sit here quietly. I don’t want words, I don’t want to talk or anything, but my cousin Shelli doesn’t care. She came here for a reason, and if there is one thing I know about my cousin, she will be vocal about what’s on her mind. I didn’t even know this journal existed. I don’t know how Shelli knew or even found it, and I don’t want to know why.

  It hurts too bad.

  “How?”

  Shelli smiles, though she looks completely terrified. “Aunt Grace gave it to me.”

  It’s like a punch to the gut. I love my mom, she knows that, but when she can’t reach me, she uses any means necessary. “She said to tell you she’s never shown this to anyone since it has her innermost thoughts. She showed it to Uncle James when he got cancer.”

  Fresh tears fall down my cheeks, falling onto my shirt as I inhale hard. “She doesn’t play fair.”

  Shelli shakes her head grimly. “None of us do.”

  I miss my family so much.

  Shelli goes on, “She wanted you to see this. All this. What Aunt Grace and Uncle James had is love. Undeniably insane love. I don’t understand how you are confusing that with what you have right now.”

  She reaches for my face, but she stops midway when I flinch. I know my busted lip, my black eyes, and the cuts along my cheeks scare her. They terrify me, but what can I do? I close my eyes, my tears spilling down my cheeks faster. I was convinced Drew was the one. That he would love me like my dad loved my mom. Unfortunately, his love is nothing like my dad’s.

  The first year was great. We were good and happy, but then he got knocked back to the minors after only six months with the Flyers. He wasn’t performing for them the way they wanted. And then, everything I did was wrong. When he hit me the first time, I was sure it was my fault. I have a bit of a mouth on me, and I can be an asshole. He apologized like crazy, promising he’d never do it again. But he did. It used to be just my body, but then he went for my face and he didn’t stop.

  When I looked in the mirror on Monday, I realized this isn’t on me. It’s on him. But how do I leave? How do I accept that this is over and let my family be right? I didn’t even mean to call Shelli, but she came running. And she brought an arsenal in the form of a journal