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My long-lost nephew from the past!”

The boy exclaimed, “My dear old trout,

I don’t know what you’re on about.”

“No no!” cried this old Scots carbuncle,

“I swear that I’m your long-lost uncle.

Tell me your name. Mine’s Jock MacFaddin.”

The boy replied, “My name’s Aladdin.”

Jock said, “I’ll give you seven yen,

I might go up as high as ten,

If you will help with something small.

I am your uncle after all.”

The boy said, “Uncle! Oh my hat!

I’m dashed if I’m believing that.

You don’t look any more Chinese

Than chalk looks like a Stilton cheese.”

Jock said, “I’ll raise my offer then,

I’ll go as high as twenty yen.”

The poor boy cried, “You tempt me so!

Oh gosh, all right then, off we go!”

So when they reached the mighty cave

Jock said, “You must be swift and brave,

Don’t pause or stop for anyone,

Just grab that lamp and out you run.”

“I don’t quite see,” Aladdin said,

“Why you can’t get the lamp instead.”

Jock cried, “Aladdin, little love

(Giving the boy a good old shove),

Inside that cave is paradise,

It’s full of everything that’s nice

Like bags of sweets and chocolate bars,

There’s Aeros, Kit-Kats, Crunchies, Mars!”

Aladdin said, “I still don’t know

Why you are not so keen to go.”

“I’m old,” Jock answered. “All that damp

Will give me rheumatism and cramp.”

Aladdin said, “What if I meet

Some brute that thinks I’m good to eat?

A Gorgon or a Hippogriff?

A Doodlewhang, a Boodlesniff?

There’s lots of dangerous things around

In murky caverns underground.”

Jock whispered lecherous and low,

“Now, if you really want to know,

The only dangerous things down there

Are dancing-girls with bottoms bare.

I think you might enjoy a fling

With some curvaceous little thing.”

Aladdin yelled, “That’s what I crave!”

And shot into the giant cave.

Inside the cave – The gilt! The chrome!

Oh, what a mighty pleasure dome!

A cavern measureless to man!

Just like it was with Kubla Khan!

Aladdin saw the jewels and pearls,

But where were all the dancing-girls?

Just then he spied the little lamp

And thought, I wonder why that scamp

So badly wanted me to snatch

That thing for him. Now what’s the catch?

He touched it gingerly and WHAM

There was the most almighty BANG

And suddenly in clouds of smoke

Appeared the most amazing bloke,

A sort of genie or a djinn,

An ugly brute with scarlet skin

And purple tassels in his hair

And nothing on but underwear.

The bloke cried, “I’m your magic djinn,

Feel free to ask me anything!

Just make a wish, I beg of you,

And I will make your wish come true!”

Aladdin said, a trifle comic,

“If you’re the djinn then where’s the tonic?”

The djinn yelled with a mighty shout,

“You think I’m joking! Try me out!”

Aladdin said, “Oh mighty djinn,

Although my hopes are pretty thin,

My only wish, I tell you true,

Is to become a djinn like you!”

The djinn was stunned. He couldn’t speak.

At last he said, “You’ve got some cheek!

I’ve never heard, I’m pretty sure,

A crazy wish like that before.

This isn’t just the sort of job

That can be done by any slob.”

Aladdin cried, “Believe you me,

I promise you I want to be

A magic disappearing djinn

Who disappears both out and in.

I want a little lamp like yours.

I want to go to distant shores.

I want to say to anyone,

‘Just make a wish,’ and then it’s done!”

The djinn cried, “Right! Farewell! Be brave!”

A vast explosion filled the cave,

Then thunder roared and lightning flashed

And walls caved in and ceilings crashed!

Aladdin felt as though his belly

Was being filled with boiling jelly,

As if his blood was being dried,

As though his flesh was being fried,

As if his body and his soul

Were cooking in a casserole,

As if the whole of him, no less,

Was in a mighty trouser-press,

His nails, his teeth, his bones, his skin

Were being squished and squashed so thin,

Until, just like a wind-blown feather,

He disappeared altogether.

Aladdin of the Magic Lamp

Had gone into the other camp,

He had become a mighty djinn,

A wondrous being who could spin

Around the world in half a shake

Dispensing magic in his wake.

That happened, I will have you know,

At least five hundred years ago.

He’s still around and when he can

He picks upon some lucky man.

The lamp is touched, a wish expressed,

Aladdin simply does the rest,

And greatness dazzling as the sun

Then falls upon the lucky one.

He once allowed an English scamp

To touch and rub his magic lamp.

The man said, “Oh I beg, I pray,

Please help me with this lousy play.

I’m finding it extremely hard,

This struggle to become a bard.”

Aladdin helped him with the plot.

Will Shakespeare murmured, “Thanks a lot.”

Another time a little child

Who was no more than four or five

Said, “Help me please compose some bars

Of music that will reach the stars.”

Aladdin took his hand and said,

“I’ll sprinkle star-dust on your head.”

All sorts of symphonies and things

Came pouring out on silver wings.

Aladdin’s lamp had made him play,

And Wolfgang Mozart cried, “Hooray!”

This sort of marvellous magic wheeze

S’been going on for centuries.

Aladdin suddenly appears

(Not more than once in fifty years)

But when he does, oh boy, oh then

Great genius is born again.

Just think, next time he passes through,

The lucky person might be you.

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