Rhyme Stew Read online

  Al knew at once that he had heard

  A very secret magic word.

  From now on he, if he was right,

  Could open any door in sight.

  He ran for home, he couldn’t wait.

  He dashed in through his garden gate

  And stood, quite out of breath, before

  His humble little cottage door.

  He paused and counted one, two, three,

  Then shouted, “Open Sesame!”

  Behold! At once, this little door

  Which had been firmly locked before,

  Began to open very wide,

  With no one helping from inside.

  “It’s magic!” Ali Baba screams.

  “It’s far beyond my wildest dreams!

  I’ll bet I’m able now, gee whizz,

  To open any door there is!

  Oh, what a power I possess!

  Oh, what excitement and success!

  But wait!” he said. “No need to shout!

  Let’s simmer down and think things out.

  Young fools rush in, it’s always said,

  Where even angels fear to tread.”

  How wise. Had this been you or me,

  We would have jumped up instantly

  And rushed along the street point-blank

  To rob the safe in Barclays Bank.

  Not Ali Baba, no not he,

  He wanted fun, not villainy.

  And so, upon that selfsame day,

  At midnight, Ali made his way

  To London, which he knew quite well,

  And thence into the Ritz Hotel.

  (These days a well-dressed Arab gent

  In flowing robes, on pleasure bent,

  Is welcomed and is treated well

  In every really good hotel.)

  The Ritz is truly very grand,

  Perhaps the finest in the land.

  The hall is full of chandeliers

  And duchesses and ancient peers

  And saucy women wearing jewels

  And baronets and other fools.

  But Ali Baba swept right through

  And up the stairs and came unto

  The first of all the bedroom floors

  Where there were lots and lots of doors.

  Slowly he walked the corridor

  And as he passed each bedroom door

  He took the simple liberty

  Of saying “Open Sesame!”

  By gosh, as each door opened wide,

  He saw some funny things inside!

  One man was drinking beer in bed

  And one was standing on his head.

  A man with a terrific snore

  Was fast asleep upon the floor.

  A woman in a camisole

  Was dancing to some rock and roll.

  In one large room, a bearded crank

  Was fishing in a water-tank

  With rod and line and huge delight,

  And shouting out, “I’ve got a bite!”

  A naked girl and some male freak

  Were playing games of hide and seek.

  While one man gobbled up a kipper,

  His girl drank champagne from a slipper.

  In one big bed there slept a goat,

  A diamond necklace round its throat.

  And in the honeymooners’ suite –

  What goings-on beneath the sheet!

  As well as that, our hero saw

  Some things he’d never seen before,

  Fantastic sights both rich and rare

  That no one’s going to mention here.

  Al could not quite believe his eyes.

  “What’s wrong”, he gasps, “with all these guys?

  The rich have most peculiar habits,

  Less like humans, more like rabbits!”

  And then the shouts and yells began,

  From every woman, every man,

  From every room, all down the floor

  They yelled, “Who’s opened up my door?”

  They surged into the passageway

  In various states of disarray,

  Some naked as the day is long,

  With absolutely nothing on,

  The naughty girls, their virile beaus,

  None of them wearing any clothes,

  And then the goat came out as well,

  Bringing the most appalling smell.

  One man yelled out, “There’s burglars here!”

  And fired a pistol in the air.

  A millionairess in the nude

  Had to be forcibly subdued.

  She cried, “My emerald bracelet’s gone!

  I know quite well I had it on!”

  Old men, astounded at their luck,

  Forgot themselves and ran amok.

  Plump thighs were tweaked and bottoms pinched,

  And finally a duke was lynched.

  Such chaos in the corridor

  No one had ever seen before!

  And Ali Baba thought, By gosh,

  I’m awfully glad that I’m not posh.

  I wouldn’t want to go round nude

  Like this lot here. They’re all half-stewed!

  They’re all completely round the bend!

  I have enjoyed myself no end!

  So Ali Baba, feeling swell,

  Slips quietly from the Ritz Hotel.

  “But wait!” he cries out as he leaves.

  “What’s happened to the Forty Thieves?

  I clean forgot to put them in!

  Oh well,” he murmurs with a grin,

  “Who cares? Not me. What’s done is done.

  I really can’t please everyone.”

  Hey Diddle Diddle

  Hey diddle diddle

  We’re all on the fiddle

  And never get up until noon.

  We only take cash

  Which we carefully stash,

  And we work by the light of the moon.

  Mary, Mary

  Mary, Mary, quite contrary,

  How does your garden grow?

  “I live with my brat in a high-rise flat,

  So how in the world would I know.”

  Hansel and Gretel

  Mum said to Dad, “Those kids of ours!

  The food that each of them devours!

  That Hansel! Cripes, that little tick!

  To watch him eat, it makes me sick!

  And as for ghastly greedy Gretel –

  I’m turning round to boil the kettle

  And while I’m at it she’s been able

  To guzzle all that’s on the table!”

  The father merely shrugged and sighed.

  Mum waved her frying-pan and cried,

  “My motto is that we come first,

  Them kids should always get the worst.

  Now look, if we could rub them out,

  There’d be more beans and sauerkraut

  And stuff for you and me to eat.

  Mind you, we’d have to be discreet.”

  The father said, “Well, what’s to do?

  We can’t just flush them down the loo.”

  To which the mother answered, “No,

  They’re much too big. They wouldn’t go.”

  “What if”, the father said, “they fell,

  Quite accidentally, down the well?”

  “Oh no,” Mum said, “I doubt we oughta,

  It might pollute the drinkin’ water.

  I think it’s better, on the whole,

  To take them for a little stroll

  And lose them in among the trees.

  Now surely that’s a better wheeze?”

  “Let’s do it!” Dad cried out. “And then

  We’ll never see the pigs again!”

  “Walkies!” the parents cried. “It’s spring!

  Let’s go and hear the birdies sing!

  Let’s look for robins in the trees!

  Let’s pick some wild anemones!”

  Now Hansel suddenly espies

  His mother’s shrewd and shif