The Collected Short Stories of Roald Dahl Volume 2 Read online

  The son took his mother gently by the arm and led her out of the office, through the shop and on to the street.

  The Hitchhiker

  I HAD a new car. It was an exciting toy, a big BMW 3.3 Li, which means 3.3 litre , long wheelbase, fuel injection. It had a top speed of 129 mph and terrific acceleration. The body was pale blue. The seats inside were darker blue and they were made of leather, genuine soft leather of the finest quality. The windows were electrically operated and so was the sunroof. The radio aerial popped up when I switched on the radio, and disappeared when I switched it off. The powerful engine growled and grunted impatiently at slow speeds, but at sixty miles an hour the growling stopped and the motor began to purr with pleasure.

  I was driving up to London by myself. It was a lovely June day. They were haymaking in the fields and there were buttercups along both sides of the road. I was whispering along at 70 mph , leaning back comfortably in my seat, with no more than a couple of fingers resting lightly on the wheel to keep her steady. Ahead of me I saw a man thumbing a lift. I touched the brake and brought the car to a stop beside him. I always stopped for hitchhikers. I knew just how it used to feel to be standing on the side of a country road watching the cars go by. I hated the drivers for pretending they didn't see me, especially the ones in big empty cars with three empty seats. The large expensive cars seldom stopped. It was always the smaller ones that offered you a lift, or the rusty ones or the ones that were already crammed full of children and the driver would say, 'I think we can squeeze in one more.'

  The hitchhiker poked his head through the open window and said, "Going to London , guv'nor?"

  "Yes," I said. "Jump in."

  He got in and I drove on.

  He was a small ratty-faced man with grey teeth. His eyes were dark and quick and clever, like rat's eyes, and his ears were slightly pointed at the top. He had a cloth cap on his head and he was wearing a greyish-coloured jacket with enormous pockets. The grey jacket, together with the quick eyes and the pointed ears, made him look more than anything like some sort of huge human rat.

  "What part of London are you headed for?" I asked him.

  "I'm going right through London and out the other side," he said. "I'm goin' to Epsom, for the races. It's Derby Day today."

  "So it is," I said. "I wish I were going with you. I love betting on horses."

  "I never bet on horses," he said. "I don't even watch 'em run. That's a stupid silly business."

  "Then why do you go?" I asked.

  He didn't seem to like that question. His ratty little face went absolutely blank and he sat there staring straight ahead at the road, saying nothing.

  "I expect you help to work the betting machines or something like that," I said. "That's even sillier," he answered. "There's no fun working them lousy machines and selling tickets to mugs. Any fool could do that."

  There was a long silence. I decided not to question him any more. I remembered how irritated I used to get in my hitchhiking days when drivers kept asking me questions. Where are you going? Why are you going there? What's your job? Are you married? Do you have a girlfriend? What's her name? How old are you? And so forth and so forth. I used to hate it.

  "I'm sorry," I said. "It's none of my business what you do. The trouble is I'm a writer, and most writers are terribly nosy."

  "You write books?" he asked.

  "Yes."

  "Writin' books is okay," he said. "It's what I call a skilled trade. I'm in a skilled trade too. The folks I despise is them that spend all their lives doin' crummy old routine jobs with no skill in 'em at all. You see what I mean?"

  "Yes."

  "The secret of life," he said, "is to become very very good at somethin' that's very very 'ard to do."

  "Like you," I said.

  "Exactly. You and me both."

  "What makes you think that I'm any good at my job?" I asked. "There's an awful lot of bad writers around."

  "You wouldn't be drivin' about in a car like this if you weren't no good at it," he answered. "It must've cost a tidy packet, this little job."

  "It wasn't cheap."

  "What can she do flat out?" he asked.

  "One hundred and twenty-nine miles an hour," I told him.

  "I'll bet she won't do it."

  "I'll bet she will."

  "All car-makers is liars," he said. "You can buy any car you like and it'll never do what the makers say it will in the ads."

  "This one will."

  "Open 'er up then and prove it," he said. "Go on guv'nor, open 'er up and let's see what she'll do."

  There is a traffic circle at Chalfont St Peter and immediately beyond there's a long straight section of divided highway. We came out of the circle onto the highway and I pressed my foot hard down on the accelerator. The big car leaped forward as though she'd been stung. In ten seconds or so, we were doing ninety.

  "Lovely!" he cried. "Beautiful! Keep goin'!"

  I had the accelerator jammed down against the floor and I held it there.

  "One hundred!" he shouted. "A hundred and five! A hundred and ten! A hundred and fifteen! Go on! Don't slack off!"

  I was in the outside lane and we flashed past several cars as though they were standing still a green Mini, a big cream-coloured Citroen, a white Land Rover, a huge truck with a container on the back, an orange coloured Volkswagen Minibus "A hundred and twenty!" my passenger shouted, jumping up and down. "Go on! Go on! Get 'er up to one-two-nine!"

  At that moment, I heard the scream of a police siren. It was so loud it seemed to be right inside the car, and then a cop on a motorcycle loomed up alongside us in the inside lane and went past us and raised a hand for us to stop.

  "Oh, my sainted aunt!" I said. "That's torn it!"

  The cop must have been doing about a hundred and thirty when he passed us, and he took plenty of time slowing down. Finally, he pulled to the side of the road and I pulled in behind him. "I didn't know police motorcycles could go as fast as that," I said rather lamely.

  "That one can," my passenger said. "It's the same make as yours. It's a BMW R9OS. Fastest bike on the road. That's what they're usin' nowadays."

  The cop got off his motorcycle and leaned the machine sideways onto its prop stand. Then he took off his gloves and placed them carefully on the seat. He was in no hurry now. He had us where he wanted us and he knew it.

  "This is real trouble," I said. "I don't like it one little bit."

  "Don't talk to 'im more than necessary, you understand," my companion said. "Just sit tight and keep mum."

  Like an executioner approaching his victim, the cop came strolling slowly towards us. He was a big meaty man with a belly, and his blue breeches were skin-tight around enormous thighs. His goggles were pulled up onto the helmet, showing a smouldering red face with wide cheeks. We sat there like guilty schoolboys, waiting for him to arrive.

  "Watch out for this man," my passenger whispered, "e looks mean as the devil."

  The cop came round to my open window and placed one meaty hand on the sill. "What's the hurry?" he said.

  "No hurry, officer," I answered.

  "Perhaps there's a woman in the back having a baby and you're rushing her to hospital? Is that it?"

  "No, officer."

  "Or perhaps your house is on fire and you're dashing home to rescue the family from upstairs?" His voice was dangerously soft and mocking.

  "My house isn't on fire, officer."

  "In that case," he said, "you've got yourself into a nasty mess, haven't you? Do you know what the speed limit is in this country?"

  "Seventy," I said.

  "And do you mind telling me exactly what speed you were doing just now?"

  I shrugged and didn't say anything.

  When he spoke next, he raised his voice so loud that I jumped. "One hundred and twenty miles per hour!" he barked. "That's fifty miles an hour over the limit!"

  He turned his head and spat out a big gob of spit. It landed on the wing of my car and started slidin