Dirty Beasts Read online

  “With prickles sticking in her rear.”

  So that was that. Oh, what a day!

  And what a fuss! But by the way,

  I think I know why porcupines

  Surround themselves with prickly spines.

  It is to stop some silly clown

  From squashing them by sitting down.

  Don’t copy me. Don’t be a twit.

  Be sure you LOOK before you SIT.

  The Cow

  Please listen while I tell you now

  About a most fantastic cow.

  Miss Milky Daisy was her name,

  And when, aged seven months, she came

  To live with us, she did her best

  To look the same as all the rest.

  But Daisy, as we all could see

  Had some kind of deformity,

  A funny sort of bumpy lump

  On either side, above the rump.

  Now, not so very long ago,

  These bumpy lumps began to grow,

  And three or maybe four months later,

  (I stood there, an enthralled spectator)

  These bumpy lumps burst wide apart

  And out there came (I cross my heart)

  Of all the wondrous marvellous things,

  A pair of gold and silver wings!

  A cow with wings! A flying cow!

  I’d never seen one up to now.

  “Oh Daisy dear, can this be true?”

  She flapped her wings and up she flew!

  Most gracefully she climbed up high,

  She fairly whizzed across the sky.

  You should have seen her dive and swoop!

  She even did a loop the loop!

  Of course, almost immediately

  Her picture was on live T.V.,

  And millions came each day to stare

  At Milky Daisy in the air.

  The shouted “Jeepers Creepers! Wow!

  “It really is a flying cow!”

  They laughed and clapped and cheered and waved,

  And all of them were well-behaved

  Except for one quite horrid man

  Who’d travelled from Afghanistan.

  This fellow, standing in the crowd,

  Raised up his voice and yelled aloud,

  “That silly cow! Hey, listen Daisy!

  “I think you’re absolutely crazy!”

  Unfortunately Daisy heard

  Quite clearly every single word.

  “By gosh,” she cried, “what awful cheek!

  “Who is this silly foreign freak?”

  She dived, and using all her power

  She got to sixty miles an hour.

  “Bombs gone!” she cried. “Take that!” she said,

  And dropped a cowpat on his head.

  The Toad and the Snail

  I really am most awfully fond

  Of playing in the lily-pond.

  I take off shoes and socks and coat

  And paddle with my little boat.

  Now yesterday, quite suddenly,

  A giant toad came up to me.

  This toad was easily as big

  As any fair-sized fattish pig.

  He smiled and said “How do you do?

  “Hello! Good morning! How are you?”

  (His face somehow reminded me

  Of mummy’s sister Emily.)

  The toad said, “Don’t you think I’m fine?

  “Admire these lovely legs of mine,

  “And I am sure you’ve never seen

  “A toad so gloriously green!”

  I said, “So far as I can see,

  “You look just like Aunt Emily.”

  He said, “I’ll bet Aunt Emily

  “Can’t jump one half as high as me.

  “Hop on my back, young friend,” he cried,

  “I’ll take you for a marvellous ride.”

  As I got on, I thought, oh blimey,

  Oh, deary me. How wet and slimy!

  “Sit further back,” he said. “That’s right.

  “I’m going to jump, so hold on tight.”

  He jumped! Oh, how he jumped! By gum,

  I thought my final hour had come!

  My wretched eardrums popped and fizzed.

  My eyeballs watered. Up we whizzed.

  I clung on tight. I shouted, “How

  “Much further are we going now?”

  Toad said, his face all wreathed in smiles,

  “With every jump, it’s fifty miles!”

  Quite literally, we jumped all over,

  From Scotland to The Cliffs of Dover!

  Above the Cliffs, we stopped for tea,

  And Toad said, gazing at the sea,

  “What do you say we take a chance,

  “And jump from England into France?”

  I said, “Oh dear, d’you think we oughta?

  “I’d hate to finish in the water.”

  But toads, you’ll find, don’t give a wink

  For what we little children think.

  He didn’t bother to reply.

  He jumped! You should have seen us fly!

  We simply soared across the sea,

  The marvellous Mister Toad and me.

  Then down we came, and down and down,

  And landed in a funny town.

  We landed hard, in fact we bounced.

  “We’re there! It’s France!” the Toad announced.

  He said, “You must admit it’s grand

  “To jump into a foreign land.

  “No boats, no bicycles, no trains,

  “No cars, no noisy aeroplanes.”

  Just then, we heard a fearful shout,

  “Oh, heavens above!” the Toad cried out.

  I turned and saw a frightening sight –

  On every side, to left, to right,

  People were running down the road,

  Running at me and Mister Toad,

  And every person, man and wife

  Was brandishing a carving-knife.

  It didn’t take me very long

  To figure there was something wrong.

  And yet, how could a small boy know,

  For nobody had told me so,

  That Frenchmen aren’t like you or me,

  They do things very differently.

  They won’t say “yards”, they call them “metres”,

  And they’re the most peculiar eaters:

  A Frenchman frequently regales

  Himself with half-a-dozen SNAILS!

  The greedy ones will gulp a score

  Of these foul brutes and ask for more.

  (In many of the best hotels

  The people also eat the shells.)

  Imagine that! My stomach turns!

  One might as well eat slugs or worms!

  But wait. Read on a little bit.

  You haven’t heard the half of it.

  These French go even more agog

  If someone offers them a FROG!

  (You’d better fetch a basin quick

  In case you’re going to be sick.)

  The bits of frog they like to eat

  Are thighs and calves and toes and feet.

  The French will gobble loads and loads

  Of legs they chop off frogs and toads.

  They think it’s absolutely ripping

  To guzzle frogs-legs fried in dripping.

  That’s why the whole town and their wives

  Were rushing us with carving-knives.

  They screamed in French, “Well I’ll be blowed!

  “What legs there are upon that toad!

  “Chop them! Skin them! Cook them! Fry them!

  “All of us are going to try them!”

  “Toad!” I cried. “I’m not a funk,

  “But ought we not to do a bunk?

  “These rascals haven’t come to greet you.

  “All they want to do is eat you!”

  Toad turned his head and looked at me,

  And said, as cool as cool could be,