Dirty Beasts Read online

  ROALD DAHL (1916–1990) was born in Wales of Norwegian parents. He spent his childhood in England and, at age eighteen, went to work for the Shell Oil Company in Africa. When World War II broke out, he joined the Royal Air Force and became a fighter pilot. At the age of twenty-six he moved to Washington, D.C., and it was there he began to write. His first short story, which recounted his adventures in the war, was bought by The Saturday Evening Post, and so began a long and illustrious career.

  After establishing himself as a writer for adults, Roald Dahl began writing children’s stories in 1960 while living in England with his family. His first stories were written as entertainment for his own children, to whom many of his books are dedicated.

  Roald Dahl is now considered one of the most beloved storytellers of our time. Although he passed away in 1990, his popularity continues to increase as his fantastic novels, including James and the Giant Peach, Matilda, The BFG, and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, delight an ever-growing legion of fans.

  Learn more about Roald Dahl on the official Roald Dahl Web site: www.roalddahl.com

  QUENTIN BLAKE is a well-known artist whose work has made him popular on both sides of the Atlantic. He was Great Britain’s first children’s laureate and now lives in London.

  ROALD DAHL

  Dirty

  Beasts

  Illustrated by Quentin Blake

  To Alfhild, Else and Asta

  PUFFIN BOOKS

  Published by the Penguin Group

  Penguin Putnam Books for Young Readers,

  345 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, U.S.A.

  Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R ORL, England

  Penguin Books Australia Ltd, Ringwood, Victoria, Australia

  Penguin Books Canada Ltd, 10 Alcorn Avenue, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4V 3B2

  Penguin Books (N.Z.) Ltd, 182-190 Wairau Road, Auckland 10, New Zealand

  Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: Harmondsworth, Middlesex, England

  This edition first published by Jonathan Cape Ltd, 1984

  First published in the United States of America by Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 1983

  Published in Great Britain by Puffin Books, 2001

  This edition published by Puffin Books, a division of Penguin Putnam Books for Young Readers, 2002

  Text copyright © Roald Dahl, 1983

  Illustrations copyright © Quentin Blake, 1984, 2001

  All rights reserved

  Library of Congress Catalog card number: 85-594 (CIP data available on request)

  Puffin Books ISBN: 978-1-101-66299-1

  Except in the United States of America, this book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

  Table of Contents

  The Pig

  The Crocodile

  The Lion

  The Scorpion

  The Ant-Eater

  The Porcupine

  The Cow

  The Toad and the Snail

  The Tummy Beast

  The Pig

  In England once there lived a big

  And wonderfully clever pig.

  To everybody it was plain

  That Piggy had a massive brain.

  He worked out sums inside his head,

  There was no book he hadn’t read,

  He knew what made an airplane fly,

  He knew how engines worked and why.

  He knew all this, but in the end

  One question drove him round the bend:

  He simply couldn’t puzzle out

  What LIFE was really all about.

  What was the reason for his birth?

  Why was he placed upon this earth?

  His giant brain went round and round.

  Alas, no answer could be found,

  Till suddenly one wondrous night,

  All in a flash, he saw the light.

  He jumped up like a ballet dancer

  And yelled, “By gum, I’ve got the answer!”

  “They want my bacon slice by slice

  “To sell at a tremendous price!

  “They want my tender juicy chops

  “To put in all the butchers’ shops!

  “They want my pork to make a roast

  “And that’s the part’ll cost the most!

  “They want my sausages in strings!

  “They even want my chitterlings!

  “The butcher’s shop! The carving knife!

  “That is the reason for my life!”

  Such thoughts as these are not designed

  To give a pig great peace of mind.

  Next morning, in comes Farmer Bland,

  A pail of pigswill in his hand,

  And Piggy with a mighty roar,

  Bashes the farmer to the floor . . .

  Now comes the rather grizzly bit

  So let’s not make too much of it,

  Except that you must understand

  That Piggy did eat Farmer Bland,

  He ate him up from head to toe,

  Chewing the pieces nice and slow.

  It took an hour to reach the feet,

  Because there was so much to eat,

  And when he’d finished, Pig, of course,

  Felt absolutely no remorse.

  Slowly he scratched his brainy head

  And with a little smile, he said,

  “I had a fairly powerful hunch

  “That he might have me for his lunch.

  “And so, because I feared the worst,

  “I thought I’d better eat him first.”

  The Crocodile

  No animal is half so vile

  As Crocky-Wock the crocodile.

  On Saturdays he likes to crunch

  Six juicy children for his lunch,

  And he especially enjoys

  Just three of each, three girls, three boys.

  He smears the boys (to make them hot)

  With mustard from the mustard pot.

  But mustard doesn’t go with girls,

  It tastes all wrong with plaits and curls.

  With them, what goes extremely well

  Is butterscotch and caramel.

  It’s such a super marvellous treat

  When boys are hot and girls are sweet.

  At least that’s Crocky’s point of view.

  He ought to know. He’s had a few.

  That’s all for now. It’s time for bed

  Lie down and rest your sleepy head . . .

  Ssh! Listen! What is that I hear

  Gallumphing softly up the stair?

  Go lock the door and fetch my gun!

  Go on, child, hurry! Quickly, run!

  No, stop! Stand back! He’s coming in!

  Oh, look, that greasy greenish skin!

  The shining teeth, the greedy smile!

  It’s CROCKY-WOCK, THE CROCODILE!

  The Lion

  The lion just adores to eat

  A lot of red and tender meat,

  And if you ask the lion what

  Is much the tenderest of the lot,

  He will not say a roast of lamb

  Or curried beef or devilled ham

  Or crispy pork or corned beef hash

  Or sausages or mutton mash.

  Then could it be a big plump hen?

  He answers no. What is it, then?

  Oh, lion dear, could I not make

  You happy with a lovely steak?

  Could I entice you from your lair

  With rabbit-pie or roa